Geese Are Jerks

this myth comes courtesy of deadly sniper/barrister
Nate “Bullseye” Lawthrower
it is about a dizzying series of mistakes

so there’s this little girl
she lives in russia
but for some reason her family is in NO WAY DESTITUTE
this feels like maybe the first russian story of any sort
where no one has to live on nothing but grim misery and stale crusts of wretchedness
but i guess stranger things have happened
FOR EXAMPLE:
one day this little girl’s parents go out for the day
they’re like goodbye daughter, we love you
make sure to keep an eye on your little brother so he doesn’t get stolen
and the little girl is like WHATEVER
and her parents are not gone THREE SECONDS
before she stows him on the front lawn and takes off running through the woods

so of course her little brother gets stolen
by GEESE
OBVIOUSLY
and the little girl comes back from her dumb idiot adventure and is like WHOA
WHERE DID MY LITTLE BRO GO
IT IS ALMOST AS IF MY GROSS NEGLIGENCE HAS CONSEQUENCES
oh wait nevermind I totally know who did this
it’s those damn thieving geese
they’ve been hanging around town lately
congregating in alleyways
leering at women
snapping their fingers and starting dance battles
these are clearly unsavory geese and OH SHIT LOOK
THERE THEY GO FLYING INTO THE FOREST RIGHT THERE
so of course she takes off after them

but seeing as she is a dumb little girl who is trying to chase GEESE
she quickly loses them in the forest
but all is not lost
because what does the little girl find
but a STOVE
a TALKING STOVE
and the girl is like oh hey stove do you know where my bro is at?
and the stove is like I WILL TELL YOU
BUT YOU HAVE TO EAT MY DELICIOUS BREAD FIRST
and the girl is like ew no
I have a gluten allergy
and the stove is like fine, suit yourself

so the girl keeps walking
and pretty soon she sees an apple tree
and since everything everywhere can talk ALL THE TIME
she’s just like hey apple tree
where the geese at?
and the apple tree is like FIRST YOU GOTTA EAT MY APPLES
and the girl is like ew no
those apples do not look farm fresh organic to me
and the tree is like what are you talking about
I am a tree in the middle of the fucking woods
and the girl is like DON’T ARGUE WITH ME YOU TREE
TREES DON’T GET TO HAVE OPINIONS
and she keeps walking

so pretty soon she comes across a river of milk
obviously
and the river of milk has banks made of pudding
seems to me like this would be a perfect time to abandon the quest for the brother
and just live in eternal bliss next to a river made of pudding
but instead the girl is like hey river
where the geese at?
and the river is like I WILL ONLY TELL YOU IF YOU EAT MY PUDDING
and the girl is like geeze
what is with all these inanimate objects begging me to eat them
is there a fetish in these woods or something?
seriously
and she keeps walking

and what does she find?
she finds a hedgehog
and she’s like hey hedgehog
where the geese at
please don’t ask me to eat you
and the hedgehog is like what?
dude the geese are like right over there
I’ll totally show you
what, did all the creepy inanimate objects try to impose their eating fetish on you?
happens all the time

so they go find where the geese went
and it turns out they went to BABA YAGA’S HOUSE
you know, the one with the chicken legs and a big ‘ol twank living inside
so the girl just rolls straight up to the house
snatches her brother
who is actually having a super good time playing with golden apples
and starts running
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?

NO
because now the geese are chasing them
and the geese have already demonstrated
that they can fly faster than these dumb kids can run
so the girl and her bro are in kind of a tight spot
but luckily now is when they run headfirst into the milk river
and the girl is like QUICK, MILK RIVER
HIDE US
and the river is like ARE YOU GONNA EAT DADDY’S PUDDING?
and the girl is like SURE WHATEVER
and she eats some pudding
and the river hides them
and then they gets out and starts running again
and the geese are catching up
and they run into that apple tree
like QUICK, APPLE TREE
SAVE US FROM THESE JERKS
and the apple tree is like boy I would love to
but I have all these apples that are remaining woefully uneaten
and the girl is like FINE I WILL HUMOR YOUR APPLEJACK BULLSHIT
and she eats an apple and then the tree grows a million new branches
and protects them from the geese
but see then they need to bust out again
and keep running home
and now the geese are seriously right the fuck up on their heels
and it is at this moment
that they run smack dab into that magic talking stove
like HEY CHILDREN JUMP INSIDE ME
ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU EAT THIS BREAD I MADE
and the girl is like GLUTEN ALLERGY BE DAMNED
ALSO DANGEROUS HEAT-CONDUCTING DEATH CHAMBER BE DAMNED
and she eats the bread and jumps into the stove with her bro
and the stove slams shut
conspicuously fails to roast them alive
even though everyone agrees that would be TOTALLY HILARIOUS
and also 100% justified
and then eventually the geese get bored and go home
and meanwhile the girl and her bro rush back to their house
just in time for their parents to get home
and never have to find out how worthless and incompetent their daughter is

so the moral of the story
is never turn down free food
it saves time, and protects you from angry geese

THE END.

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12 thoughts on “Geese Are Jerks

  1. Are you still taking suggestions?

    How about the Greek myth featuring Delphinus? Except I would appreciate it if you added some dolphin cruelty in there, because those deceitful, rapist jerks deserve it.

  2. "little girl comes back from her dumb idiot adventure and is like WHOA
    WHERE DID MY LITTLE BRO GO
    IT IS ALMOST AS IF MY GROSS NEGLIGENCE HAS CONSEQUENCES"

    I work with people who think like this. Sigh…

    Peace unto you,
    Californianinkansas

  3. Was there even a point to this myth?

    Also, if this myth had, like, director commentary, you know the director would be all "yeah we spent like a quarter of our set budget on that goddamn five-minute cameo by Baba Yaga's HOUSE, she wasn't even IN THE MOVIE, and she was a huge bitch about the whole thing."

  4. I'm left wondering what would've happened if she'd eaten all that on the hunt for her brother. Also, if there was a bacon plant anywhere near the pudding river, because that'd be the only way to improve on that scenario.

    Throwing out a couple of requests, if you're taking them: "The Three Lemons", and more Robin Hood stories! There's an entire online collection of the ballads and legends here. 🙂

  5. Well, there _is_ a russian tale where the (same?) sister-brother combo manage to turn brother into a goat and drown the sister. It's higher on creepiness content and less on talking objects 🙂

  6. Weird little detail you missed, the jerk geese are not just geese. For some ungodly reason they’re called swan-geese. Or goose-swans. Who the hell knows.

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