Grandmothers are a Serious Security Risk

Hey I just ordered up a few more Large and Extra Large shirts
so if you wanted one of those and you were sad they sold out
stop being a pansy

ANYWAY

so there’s this peasant family right
they have this little baby boy
and when he is born he has this big ol’ funky bag of wombskin all over his face
and everyone is like OH MY GOD IT IS AN OMEN OF GREAT LUCK
IT MEANS HE IS GOING TO MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER FOR SOME REASON

so obviously the king hears about this shit
and he’s like fuck that
ain’t no funky wombsack kid gonna marry MY daughter
she’s only a baby right now
but they say it’s never too early to start murdering potential suitors

so the king disguises himself and goes to the peasant family
and he’s like yo i heard you got baby
wanna hook a brother up?
and the baby’s parents are like uh no
that’s weird
and the king is like i’ll give you fifty bucks for that baby
and the parents are like WELL HE’S BLESSED WITH GOOD LUCK SO HE’LL BE FINE
and they sell their infant to the king
who immediately turns around and throws the baby in the water

but here’s the problem
before the king puts the baby in the water
he seals him in an AIRTIGHT FUCKING BOX
if you are trying to drown a baby
this is not the way to do it my friends
because then what happens is some miller fishes the box out of the river
like OH SWEET SOME TREASURE
but then nope
it’s a baby
and he’s like aww fuck
i bet my wife is gonna make me keep it, too
so he brings it to his wife and sure enough they get stuck raising the little fucker

CUT TO FOURTEEN YEARS LATER
the king is doing his whole disguise himself and show up at peoples’ houses schtick
and he ends up at the miller’s house
and the king is like that’s a mighty fine looking son you got there
and the miller is like oh well actually we just found this dude in the river
isn’t he great?
why, he’s practically old enough to MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER
and the king is like WHAT
fuck that
hey kid can you deliver a letter to the queen for me
nothing important
just a little note reminding her to execute whoever brings her the letter
and the kid is like sure whatever
and he takes the letter
and just starts walking

so it gets late and he ends up at this house
and the old lady in the house is like DUDE GET OUT OF HERE THIEVES LIVE HERE
and the kid is like i ain’t afraid of no ghosts
or thieves either
fuck it i’m just gonna sleep on your couch
so he does
and the thieves come home
and they’re like WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY
and the gramma is like he’s just some kid with a letter for the queen
and the thieves are like LET’S SEE WHAT IT IS
and they end up feeling pretty bad
and just writing a new letter to replace the old one
and instead of saying that the queen should kill the kid
the new letter says that the queen should MARRY HER DAUGHTER to the kid

so in the morning the kid takes the letter and goes to the queen’s place
and he’s like yo i have a letter for your face
and the queen reads it
and WHABAM
marries her daughter to the kid almost instantaneously
she’s like daughter are you cool with this?
and the princess is like whatever he’s pretty hot

so a week or so later the king comes home
to find the kid not dead at all
and in fact MARRIED TO HIS FUCKING DAUGHTER
AS PER PROPHECY
and he’s like holy fuckpuddles
wife can you not read or something?
and the queen is like dude this is the letter you sent me
and the king is like what?
look at this
the seal is broken
this isn’t even my fucking handwriting
woman are you high?
and the queen is like pretty much yeah

but the king is not gonna take this shit sitting down
i mean that is how you take most shits
but not this one apparently
because he goes over to the kid and he’s like yo
you can only stay married to my daughter
if you bring me THREE GOLDEN HAIRS FROM THE DEVIL’S HEAD
HAHAHAHA
and instead of being like “no dude that’s completely unreasonable”
the kid is like sure whatever
i ain’t afraid of no devils
and he just goes and does it

but see on the way to hell
which is apparently walking distance from this castle by the way
the kid ends up at a bunch of fucking cities
the first one has a guard who’s like HEY DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
and the kid is like uh
EVERYTHING
and the guard is like oh yeah?
well we used to have a booze fountain in the middle of the town
and now it doesn’t even shoot out wine coolers
what gives?
and the kid is like i’ll totally tell you
but i’m kind of in a rush to get to hell right now so i’ll get you on the way back k?

so then he gets to the SECOND city
which is not chicago
or an improv group IN chicago
it is a different place
and the guard is like YO DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
(this is apparently a common question in these parts)
and the kid is like uh
EVERYTHING
and the guard is like ok well see we used to have this tree with golden apples
but now it doesn’t even grow regular apples
or leaves actually
it’s pretty much just a gnarly forked dong coming out of the ground
what gives?
and the kid is like i’ll totally tell you when i get back

so then he gets to this river
and the ferryman is like YO DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
and the kid is like EVERYTHING
and the ferryman is like HOW DO I GET A FUCKING VACATION FROM THIS SHITTY BOAT JOB
and the kid is like I’LL TELL YOU LATER DUDE I PROMISE

so finally he gets to hell
and instead of meeting satan straight away
he manages to run into satan’s GRANDMA
and the grandma is like yo kid
you realize that this is hell right?
and the kid is like whatever
i need some devil hair or i ain’t never getting laid
and the grandma is like well as satan’s grandmother i can sympathize
here
let me turn you into an ant and i will totally get those hairs for you
and the kid is like oh also could you ask him to answer these 3 questions i have?
i kind of pretended to have infinite knowledge
and i don’t wanna look like an asshole
even though i really kind of am
and the gramma is like oh sure

so the kid gets turned into an ant
and climbs into gramma’s skirt
and then satan comes home like HEY GRAMMA WHAT’S UP
LEMME FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR LAP REAL QUICK
and so he does
and then the grandma immediately pulls out one of his hairs
and he wakes up like OW WHAT THE FUCK LADY
and the grandma is like oh sorry i had a bad dream
that’s what happens when i have a bad dream
it was about why does the booze fountain in this one city not work?
and satan is like oh well because there’s a toad in it
kill the toad
free booze for everybody
now lemme go back to sleep

so as soon as he’s back asleep
gramma satan pulls ANOTHER hair out his head
and he wakes up like WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK
and gramma is like dude i am just having the worst dreams
this one was about why is that golden appletree in that one city broken?
and satan is like oh cause a mouse is gnawing on it
kill the mouse
no problem
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

so gramma mcasshole waits no more than three seconds
before she pulls out ANOTHER GODDAMN HAIR
and satan wakes up like WOMAN I’M BOUT TO BEAT YOU I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE
and Gramma is like shh honey
i just had another bad dream
why does that ferryman who lives by hear never get any vacations?
and satan is like oh
well he should just pass the pole off on some poor asshole who gets on the boat
PROBLEM SOLVED
boy your dreams sound less like dreams than like very specific questions
and gramma is like SHHH HONEY GO BACK TO SLEEP

so then the grandma turns the kid into a kid again
and gives him the hair
and then he leaves without even thanking her really
and heads home
and on the way he tells the ferryman what’s up
(AFTER waiting for him to boat him across the river)
and he tells the city dudes what’s wrong with their stuff
and in exchange those city dudes give him ASSLOADS OF GOLD
literally
gold loaded onto the backs of multiple asses
see what i did there
it was totally unintentional actually
and then he gets back to the kingdom like hey king i brought you some gold hairs
also GOLD
and the king is like WHAT
GOLD
WHERE
and the kid is like oh you know
on the other side of this river next to hell
you gotta get the ferryman to take you across and then it’s gold city
and the king is like WOOOO GOLDTIMES AHOY
and he gets to the river and he’s like YO FERRYMAN
TIME TO SET SAIL ON THE SS GOLDBOAT AMIRITE
and the ferryman is like sure
and the king gets on the boat
and then the ferryman just fucking gives him the pole and he’s like good luck asshole
i’m off to go never do this again
and then the king ends up being a ferryman forever
because apparently he cannot figure out the simple process
of handing a pole to another human being

so the moral of the story
is satan gives pretty good gardening advice
so next time you plant a tree
try to maybe sacrifice a goat or something

THE END.

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5 thoughts on “Grandmothers are a Serious Security Risk

  1. The placenta-over-the-face thing was called a "caul," and it was traditionally supposed to be good luck but only if you kept it around. So whenever a baby was born with one the relatives would dry it out and stick it in a drawer. I'm rather taken with the notion of somebody scrabbling around in a drawer for say, a handkerchief, and pulling out a dried hunk of human placenta instead.

    (I also seem to recall vaguely that sailors viewed them as particularly lucky and would buy them to carry at sea; not sure how they ascertained whether it was a true caul or just some random piece of placenta or, for that matter, a chunk of pig anus.)

  2. This, Hyperbole and a Half and Sleep Talkin' Man are my three top blogs forever. I read the myths out loud in a Chris Rock voice and the workplace becomes a place of hysteria. Keep it up!

  3. Satan's grandma seems disturbingly easy to get favors from. Maybe instead of sacrificing a goat to Satan next time I'm gardening, I should sacrifice a casserole to his grandma or something.

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