Grettir the Strong Sets Dudes on Fire

so here’s a myth today
to make up for the myth blogger wouldn’t let me post yesterday
WOO
also:
most of the shirts are going to get mailed out in a couple hours
but if you ordered a purple,
a light blue,
a light green,
a medium white,
or a medium or XL pink,
the earliest I can get those in the mail is tomorrow
because my shirt wholesaler is being a huge bitch
ANYWAY
today’s myth comes from a book
which was purchased for me by human machine gun
CHET “Read my lips: I am going to punch you in your lips” KAPOW

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE GRETTIR

he’s a pretty Norwiegan dude
but like old-style Norwiegan
with all the murdering and the swords and the swimming through ice cold water
and not being in a death metal band
because he is too busy being in a death metal LIFE
Grettir means Snake by the way
and his full name
and by full name I mean his name with a sweet nickname attached
is GRETTIR THE STRONG
so Snake the Strong
so Solid Snake
excellent

anyway this particular story takes place in the middle of a much larger story
which is basically just about how much ass Grettir regularly stomps
but also about how thoroughly shafted he gets by everyone at every turn
seriously this dude has the luck of the Irish
during the potato famine
too soon?

so Grettir is on this boat with a bunch of Merchants
who the fuck knows where he’s going
probably he is trying to hit up king Olaf
you remember
the guy who is all about chucking horsecocks at dogs
he’s kind of related to Olaf or something?
to be fair I think he’s also related to a guy named Ivar Horsecock
lotta horsecocks in Norway
but yeah he’s on this boat
and everyone on this boat is cold
because that’s what happens when you’re on a boat in Norway
and they’re all like BOY SOME FIRE SURE WOULD BE NICE
and then they look up at a hill on the other side of the bay
and there’s a BIGASS FIRE over there
and they’re like MAN
WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF SOMEONE WENT AND GOT THAT FIRE
and Grettir is sitting there like MAN
wouldn’t it be cool if you guys stopped being pussies and went and got the fire?
and they’re like WHO’RE YOU CALLING PUSSY
PUSSY
and Grettir is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PUSSY
but I have a bad feeling about this
like I’m pretty sure this is going to end with me having some really shitty luck
and you guys not giving me any props for grabbing the fire
and the merchants are like NONSENSE
GO GET US FIRE

so Grettir does the sensible thing
which is strip naked
and put on just some pants
and a cowl
which is like a robe but just for your face
and then he jumps into the FREEZING COLD WATER
and he swims across the bay
and jumps out
and runs up to the place where the dudes are at
and woo look there is fire

uh ok a little backstory
apparently the dudes with the fire are the sons of some dude named Thorir
which seems to be a pretty popular name in these parts
because people wanna be named after Thor
and if anyone actually named themselves Thor THOR WOULD RUIN THEM
Thorir sent his kids to go work for king Olaf because he figures he owes Olaf a solid
because they are old buddies and one time they maybe built a boat?
so anyway that’s why his kids are there

so Grettir just busts straight into the hall with the fire
his cowl is frozen to his head in some kind of crazyshape
he’s huge
he looks like a fucking troll
and everyone is like GET AWAY FROM HERE YOU TROLL
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
YOU GET BEAT WITH FLAMING LOGS
so everyone is hitting him with flaming logs but he doesn’t give a shit
because he’s fucking FROZEN
and in the process they set their own hall on fire
but Grettir doesn’t notice that
because he’s too busy walking out with some of their fire
and then he puts it in a barrel or something and drags it back across the frozen water to his merchant buddies
and they’re like YESSSSSSSS

but then the next morning they go to hit up the fire dudes
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
EVERYONE GOT FIRED
there is just some bones and some ashes and whatever
and the merchants are like GRETTIR
WHAT DID YOU DO
and Grettir is like SEE I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FUCK YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
and then the merchants devote all their time from that day on
to telling EVERYONE what an asshole Grettir is

so Grettir gets sick of this bullshit
and he goes and hits up King Olaf like yo
perhaps you have heard of me?
and Olaf is like yeah you’re that asshole with the burning
right?
and Grettir is like WRONG
I came all the way here to clear my name so you better cut the bullshit
and Olaf is like dude I’m gonna be honest with you
I don’t think you burned any dudes
but it’s pretty hard to prove that kind of shit
we don’t have cameras or police
or like
a judicial system
so how about we make you hold a red hot iron bar
like in that Arthurian legend about a couple of sexhungry emokids
and if it burns you we know you’re guilty
and Grettir is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Grettir starts preparing to get his hands burned off
by like praying and not eating any food and whatever
and then the hand-burny day arrives
and he’s walking down the aisle to get his hands burned
when this BUTT-UGLY KID runs up to him
like OY
OY
GRETTIR
YOU’RE TOTALLY GUILTY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLING
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
then he actually gives him the finger
that is a direct quote from the text
apparently they not only had the finger back in medieval Norway
but they had enough of them to give away
but so this pisses off Grettir so much
that he punches the kid in the head and the kid dies
at which point everybody starts punching everybody
and then Olaf is like Grettir
buddy
I was trying to help you out
with some red hot iron for your hands
not much I can do when you start using those hands for punching
and Grettir is like COME ON MAN
GIMME ANOTHER SHOT
and Olaf is like naw man no can do
you are one unlucky son of a bitch
looks like everyone is gonna have to hate you forever now
so go ahead and just get the fuck out of here
go to Iceland
I think there’s a prophecy that you’re supposed to die there or something
so that’s fun
and Grettir is like FINE
I’m LEAVING

so the moral of the story
you can’t get absolved for murder
if during your murder trial
you keep murdering people
or
to be more concise
you can’t have your cake and murder it too

THE END

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2 thoughts on “Grettir the Strong Sets Dudes on Fire

  1. Thank you! I love the Grettir saga. Now do the one where a serving wench totally mocks his junk! Oh, the classics.

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