Hamlet is Very Bad At Revenge

Woo I’m back
I still don’t have a house
I am staying in a place where at least two people offer to sell me blow per day
it’s great I am loving it a lot
here is a story about a dumb idiot

okay so there’s this kid hamlet right
he’s real pissed because his uncle killed his dad
and is now fucking his mom
why would you get pissed about something like that
it happens ALL THE TIME
oh yeah also his mom is the QUEEN OF DENMARK
which makes hamlet’s uncle the KING
and also hamlet is the prince but he’s gonna die anyway so who cares
actually everyone is gonna die
spoilers

so basically the play opens with hamlet being real snippy to his stepdad
and then his pal Horatio
whose job is to stoke Hamlet’s retard fires with plenty of idiot coal
shows up all like HEY HAMLET COME HERE I SAW THE GHOST OF YOUR DAD
and hamlet is like BULLSHIT LEMME SEE
OH SHIT THAT’S TOTALLY MY DAD’S GHOST OVER THERE
HE’S TELLING ME TO KILL MY UNCLE
GOOD THING I ALWAYS LISTEN WHEN GHOSTS TELL ME TO KILL PEOPLE
guys when was the last time a ghost told you to do something constructive
like run the dishwasher or do yoga
i feel like ghosts only ever give bad advice
but whatever

so then hamlet wanders around for about several years
(which translates into roughly 2 hours of your valuable real-life time)
being crazy and not accomplishing anything
so it falls to the other characters to be interesting and do things
ENTER OPHELIA
she’s some chick Hamlet was trying to bang I guess
but the thing no one seems to realize
is hamlet is crazy and he doesn’t give a fuck about Ophelia even at all
Ophelia’s bro Laertes is all HEY OPHELIA BE SURE NOT TO FUCK HAMLET
I FEEL LIKE HE IS PROBABLY CRAZY AND ALSO A TERRIBLE HUSBAND
and Ophelia is like psh whatever bro
and then Ophelia’s dad Polonius immediately shows up like HEY OPHELIA
HAVE YOU FUCKED HAMLET YET BECAUSE DON’T
IN FACT
LET’S BE ON THE SAFE SIDE
HOW ABOUT NEVER SPEAK TO HAMLET EVER AGAIN
BE SURE TO OFFER NO EXPLANATION AT ALL
THAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TREAT CRAZY PEOPLE
and Ophelia is like ok gosh fine ok dad

so meanwhile the King uncle dude
whose name is Claudius by the way
hits up some of Hamlet’s old bros named Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
who I think shakespeare named specifically to fuck with my typing fingers
and he’s like hey guys
Hamlet’s wandering around getting crazy all over my nice palace
i’ll totally pay you to take him out for some beers and make him chill the fuck out
and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are like NO PROBLEM BRO
and OFF THEY GO
but it turns out Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are not licensed psychiatrists
and are thus TOTALLY USELESS WHEN DEALING WITH HAMLET
who is wandering around yelling about things like bodkins
and dreams that come
and whether or not there are bees or something
i don’t know
he talks a lot and I think i fell asleep for a while
but anyway finally he’s like oh man
all this wandering around yelling about murder
made me TOTALLY FORGET about how i promised to murder my uncle like eighty pages ago
i should probably get on that
but how?
OH I KNOW
I’LL PRODUCE A PLAY ABOUT HOW MY UNCLE MURDERED MY DAD
god dammit hamlet
we are already in a play about how your uncle murdered your dad
what are you doing
what the fuck are you doing
are you trying to piss me off?
is this like the song that never ends
except instead of songs
it is fucking soliloquies about how you wish your flesh would melt off?
but anyway yeah that’s his brilliant plan
he wants to put on the play and if Claudius freaks out he’ll know he’s guilty
WAY TO DISTRUST YOUR GHOST DAD DICKWIT
IF A GHOST OF YOUR DAD SHOWS UP AND TELLS YOU WHO KILLED HIM
YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY PRIME FUCKING EVIDENCE RIGHT THERE
YOU DON’T NEED TO GO AROUND DOING SPEECHES AND CRYING AND WRITING PLAYS
WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING POET?
IF YOU ARE THEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE WRITING PLAYS SHOULD YOU TWATBISCUIT
WELL I MEAN I GUESS SHAKESPEARE WAS A POET
BUT YOU’RE NOT SHAKESPEARE ARE YOU ASSHOLE
I MEAN YOU KIND OF ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE A SHAKESPEARE CHARACTER
BUT LOOK JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OK

but ok so meanwhile
i guess hamlet like freaks out and pulls a really creepy move on Ophelia
where he just busts into her room and starts touching her face and shit
not saying anything
just sitting there
touching
and so Ophelia goes to her dad like what the fuck do I do dad
and Polonius is like oh shit
I guess he was genuinely in love with you after all
man my mistake for telling you to dump him
WHAT?!
NO
THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY A CRAZY ASSHOLE
but that is not how things work in the glacially slow mind of professor retard
(that is my clever nickname for Polonius)
so he runs to Claudius and he’s like yo
Claudius
I figured out why Hamlet’s being a crazy asshole
it’s because of my daughter
and Claudius is like YES OF COURSE
IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HOW I MURDERED HIS DAD
AND FUCKED HIS MOM
LET US ESTABLISH THIS BY SETTING UP A MEETING BETWEEN HAMLET AND OPHELIA
AND THEN EAVESDROPPING ON IT
why is everyone trying to establish shit all the time
why aren’t they just manning up and killing each other
that’s why we showed up to this play right?
right.

so they set up this meeting between hamlet and ophelia
and hamlet does the reasonable thing and treats her like shit
and gets really excited about her becoming a nun
I guess maybe it is a fetish for him or something?
but yeah basically no one who is eavesdropping has any idea what the fuck this means
they are failing to drop any substantial eaves
like they are letting eaves fly left and right
but they are falling WAYYY WIDE OF THE MARK
eaves all dropping on innocent bystanders
mutilating their private fucking conversations

but okay so the play happens
not the play we’re already watching
the play hamlet made
and hamlet is a really shitty audience member the entire time
yelling at everyone and asking for refills on his soda and throwing things
in one version I saw he had a flashlight and he kept shining it in everyone’s eyes
in another version Mel Gibson just started climbing everyone’s chairs
the point is Hamlet went through a lot of trouble to put on this play
by which i mean he payed some dudes and then he yelled at them a little
and now here he is shitting directly into the center of it
but GUESS WHAT
HIS PLAN WORKS
CLAUDIUS FREAKS THE FUCK OUT WITH GUILT AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM
so Hamlet is like AT LAST I HAVE MY PROOF
I KNOW WHAT I GOTTA DO
I GOTTA
CONTINUE DOING MONOLOGUES FOR ANOTHER COUPLE HOURS
YAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Meanwhile Claudius is in his room like oh fuck oh shit i am not going back to jail
guys we gotta send Hamlet to England to chill out for a while
and Polonius is like GREAT IDEA
you know how we can make it an even better idea?
get his mom to chill him the fuck out
THEN send him to England
and I will make it even better by eavesdropping on their conversation
I feel like I did not drop enough eaves earlier
and Claudius is like sure why the hell not
hey wife go solve my problems

so Gertrude hits up hamlet like yo son
and hamlet is like OH SHIT TIME TO SCREAM AND THREATEN VIOLENCE
AAAAAAAAAAAA VIOLENCE VIOLENCE VIOLENCE
THIS MEETING IS HAVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE INTENDED EFFECT
so then Polonius
who is dropping mad eaves as discussed
is all like GUARDS GUARDS GET IN HERE HAMLET IS GONNA CRAZY HIS MOM TO DEATH
and Hamlet is like FUCK I ALMOST JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL THE EAVES GETTING DROPPED HERE
BETTER STAB WHOEVER JUST SAID THAT
so he stabs polonius who proceeds to die
and hamlet has kind of thinks he is rats or maybe the king
or maybe the rat king from the nutcracker suite or something
but nope
it’s polonius
captain of the SS Dumbass
and when Hamlet finds that out he is actually kind of sad
so he responds to it like any of us would
he drags the body away and hides it in some stairs

so then comes the part of the play
where everyone is trying to get hamlet to tell them where the body is
and he is being a prick about it
seriously like
he admits to everyone that he killed Polonius
and they’re like where’s the body
and he’s like WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
and then finally he tells them
and Claudius
who has really wanted to kill hamlet for a while
is like fuck dude now I pretty much HAVE to banish you
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
please to escort hamlet to England
with a note that says the king of england should kill him
MY CLEVERNESS KNOWS NO BOUNDS
oh PS Ophelia is crazy now
turns out having your dad stabbed by the same crazy asshole who’s trying to bone you
is not conducive to mental health
so she walks around singing songs and not listening to anyone at all
and then Laertes shows up
he was in France this whole time so he didn’t have to deal with Hamlet’s bullshit
but he’s sure as shit back now
now that his dad is dead and his sister is a full time resident of hotel crazy
he’s like what the fuck hamlet
hamlet
what the fuck
I knew you were kind of a shitty guy
but what are you even doing
did you spend your vast royal inheritance on a dump truck
and then use all the time I was gone to fill it with your feces
and then at the appointed moment
release it over the heads of everyone I know and/or love?
THAT SEEMS LIKE WHAT YOU DID HAMLET

and then WHABAM
HAMLET IS BACK BITCHES
all like yeah what’s up
totally hitched a ride with some pirates
also
replaced rosencrantz and guildenstern’s letter with a letter saying to kill them
that’s right
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead
i feel like that is the name of some other play
that is much better than this one
whatever
now that I’m back I can FINALLY ENACT MY MASTER PLAN:
STARING AT THIS SKULL I FOUND AND TALKING MORE
HOLY SHITBALLS HAMLET
STOP TALKING AND FUCKING STAB SOMEONE ALREADY

but so meanwhile Claudius hears Hamlet is back
because hamlet shows up at Polonius’s funeral and pisses everyone off by talking
so Claudius is like GOD DAMMIT ASSHOLE WHY WON’T YOU DIE
and he convinces Laertes
(who if you recall
is really pissed off at Hamlet)
to have a friendly duel with him
that just happens to involve a poison-tipped sword
and also a cup full of poison in case the sword misses
basically there is just gonna be poison all over the place
and then while they’re planning this someone walks in like hey
Ophelia drowned by the way
apparently she had the kind of crazy that makes you bad at swimming
and Laertes is like HAMLET
SERIOUSLY

so they have their duel
pretty sure hamlet does some more talking first but whatever
the point is they have a duel
after shaking hands and promising not to be mad at each other
and Hamlet is just beating the shit out of Laertes
not even getting stabbed with any poison at all
so Claudius is like HEY DUDE GOOD JOB
DRINK THIS CUP OF POISON TO CELEBRATE
and Gertrude is like HEY I LIKE POISON LEMME GET AT THAT
and Claudius is like wait no that’s not for you aww shit
and Laertes is like well shit
everything is fucked now
better be a cheater and stab hamlet a couple times
so he does
and hamlet is like OW FUCK
LEMME TAKE YOUR SWORD AND STAB YOU BACK
and Laertes is like HAMLET
HAMLET DO YOU EVER STOP SUCKING
SERIOUSLY THIS IS BOWLING BALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE LEVEL SUCKING
and then he dies
and Hamlet is like well fuck
I have a sword with poison all over it
my mom and one of my best bros are both dead
the king is right here
why not stab him a couple times?
so he does
and the king is like ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?
I HAD THREE GREAT PLANS FOR KILLING YOU
THREE
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PLANS YOU HAD?
NONE
YOU STABBED ME JUST NOW BECAUSE I HAPPENED TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH A POISON SWORD
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR SWORD
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR POISON
NOT EVEN YOUR ROOM COME TO THINK OF IT
WHAT THE FUCK HAMLET
SERIOUSLY

so then hamlet is dying from the poison obviously
so he lies down like OH DANG I AM DYING
TIME TO MAKE MORE SPEECHES
and Horatio is like shhh shhh it’s ok
no one wants to hear you talk anymore
no one ever wanted to hear you talk
and then hamlet dies
and then the king of Norway shows up like WELP
UH
FINDERS KEEPERS?

so the moral of the story
is if you are trying to kill someone
you should try just stabbing them immediately
soliloquies do not help with this
but on the other hand
if what you are trying to do is get revenge on someone
maybe subjecting them to two hours of interminable gibberish
and then accidentally killing them at the last possible moment
is the PERFECT plan

The end!

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32 thoughts on “Hamlet is Very Bad At Revenge

  1. Holy shit, thank you! Someone FINALLY understands why I fucking hated reading Shakespeare in High School. I'd just sit there and the plot was discussed and try to keep my eyes from twitching and my brain from exploding.

    Macbeth is even worse. Seriously guy? Seriously? Being born by C-section doesn't make you born out of a 5-headed hydra – you were still born and it was from a woman! Also, if you think you can't die, why not just throw Macduff in prison instead of MURDERING EVERYONE HE KNOWS AND GIVING HIM INCENTIVE TO MURDER YOU!?

  2. I just finished reading Hamlet(and enjoyed it). But shame on you; during the play-within-the-play scene, Hamlet makes so many pervy comments to Ophelia(among them "Lady, shall I lie in your lap?" and "That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.") and they weren't mentioned! >:O

  3. This is *~pure joy~* Like, seriously better than Nutella and strawberries. That might be blasphemy.
    Also, Rosecrantz and Guildenstern is seriously the best play.

  4. SERIOUSLY GHOSTS, STOP BEING LAZY NON-CORPOREAL ASSHOLES AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELVES FOR ONCE!!! god…..

  5. I though hamlet raped gertude not attacked her… guess my sophmore english teach had some ish :/

    if you retold 100 years of solitude I would totally felate you…. and Im totally NOT a dude …. ;)

  6. So, I was in math and i couldn't stand the boring crap load of radicals being dropped all over me.so I whipped out my laptop to escape the never ending drul of my teacher's incessant ramblings to stumbleupon.com and "WHABAM" I found this. I just wanted to say thanks for the laugh and the best interpretation of hamlet yet.

  7. If you want to keep on with Shakespeare retellings, do Cymbeline and/or A Winter's Tale. They already make no sense. It's hilarious.

  8. I'm directing Hamlet right now and I wish I had found this earlier! It's epic! Seriously, I would've sent this to the cast!

  9. ….and the Vulgarians shall inherit the earth…good job in summarizing the play for clods who are too stupid to appreciate Shakespeare's sublime use of language.

  10. Anonymous, are you seriously sayin the man who wrote:

    WELL BUTTER MY NUTSACK

    or rhyming couplets like

    "LYSANDER LYSANDER PLEASE BE AWAKE"
    "THERE'S A FIRE IN MY LOINS AND YOUR COOCH IS A LAKE"

    doesn't appreciate the sublime use of language?! Puh-lease, beeyotch!

    Vulgarians FTW!

  11. This is beautiful. I mean truly. As a Lit/Film major who has studied Shakespeare and Hamlet in particular intensely this is absolutely hilarious and full to the brim of truthiness. Improved my all nighter immensely. Thanks.

  12. Pingback: #263: I worry that I might not be able to have romantic feelings for people. Am I a robot? « CaptainAwkward.com

  13. Pingback: Link Roundup — The Good Men Project

  14. Pingback: Hamlet, the Prince of Players | We Professional Liars

  15. To the people whining about “savages” and “clods,” you know who forwards this link around most enthusiastically? Shakespeare grad students, TAs, professors, actors, and directors–people who know whole swaths of his speeches by heart and are painfully well-versed in critical issues. Sometimes you’ve just gotta stop being a prig and have a chuckle.

  16. Just a quick correction–Hamlet showed up at Ophelia’s funeral, not Polonius’. It’s easy to remember, ’cause Laertes like jumps into her grave, and then Hamlet, being a butt, jumps in her grave, too, and the two guys fight in her actual grave over her freaking dead body.

    Yeah…

  17. Chinese dry-cured hams have been recorded in texts since before the Song dynasty and used in myriad dishes. Several types exist in Qing dynasty cuisine and are used in dishes of stewing hams.

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