Hey Guys Lets Convert to Christianity

Whats up guys

i thought today would be a good day
to tell a slightly less ancient myth
with slightly more extremely heavy handed christian overtones
so check it out
there is this city right
somewhere in Libya or something
who the fuck knows where it is
it’s called Silene
it’s a totally made up place anyway
you know how i know its a made up place
is because it has a lake right next to it
and in the lake
is a fucking dragon
real cities do not have this
if you are a real city
and the lake next to your city is full of a dragon
not just a dragon actually
but a disease infested dragon
that poisons the water supply
and spreads disease
you move your fucking city
you do not hang out
and try to appease the dragon
but that is exactly what these people do
they figure
oh hey
maybe if we feed the dragon a bunch of sheep
it will leave us alone
and that works for a while
but then the dragon i guess realizes what retarded chumps these people are
and is like NO MORE SHEEP
I WILL ONLY ACCEPT CHILDREN
so the townsfolk are like fuck
i guess we have to start feeding this dragon some children
so to make it fair
they set up like
a lottery
where instead of winning fabulous cash prizes
you win your children getting fed to a siphylitic sea beast
and this works for a while
until the lucky winner of the lottery one time
just happens to be
the king
his name is Selinus by the way
real creative
so the villagers are like hey dude
time to feed your daughter to the dragon
and the king is like no guys come on
it was cool when you guys were losing your kids
but i’m the king
do you realize how rich I am
i am above the law
and the villagers are like no dude
you are definitely not
and the king is like how about if I give you all my gold and shit
and like half my kingdom
can i keep my daughter
and the villagers are like no
how would we even divide that up
anyway we are pretty committed to proving a point now actually
rules are rules
so the Selinus is like fuck fine
go chain up my daughter by the lake
so they do that
after dressing her up like a bride
presumably because the dragon has a fetish
or because maybe a poofy wedding dress will fill him up faster
and mean their village is safe longer
fuck i dont know
they just do it alright
and while shes standing there all chained up
ready to die
this dude saint george comes riding by
on his way to like
bless some water
smite some unbelievers
kiss some babies
you know
saint stuff
and hes like hey guys hows it WHOA
WHY IS THAT WOMAN CHAINED UP OVER THERE
and the princess is like chill out dude
i am just going to get eaten by a dragon real quick
you should leave before he gets here
so you dont also get eaten
and saint george is like fuck that
no dragon can stand up against the power of JESUS CHRIST
so he hangs out with this chick waiting for the dragon to show up
and when it does
he buffs himself up
by making the sign of the cross
and then he charges the dragon
and stabs it with his lance
and the dragon is like owww fuckkkk
and saint george is like quick woman
throw your girdle around its neck
trust me
so she does
and the dragon just gets so emasculated
that from that point on it will only do what the princess says
this dragon is not very secure in his sexuality
it just takes one article of women’s clothing
and woop
there goes his self worth
so the dragon follows them all the way back to the village
and all the villagers are like holy fucking shit asshole
what have you done
the dragon is going to eat all of our houses
and give us rabies
and then give our rabies aids
why didnt you just let the bitch get eaten
go away go away
and saint george is like chill out dudes
the dragon is totally emasculated right now
its not gonna do shit
and then he gets real quiet
and he moves in real close to the villagers
and he is like guys
guys
you wanna see me kill a dragon
and the villagers are like
SWEEEEEEET
and saint george is like alright guys i’m totally gonna do it
but you gotta do something for me first
you gotta convert to christanity
all fifteen thousand of you
and the villagers are like whaaaaaaat
but they do it
because they are really hard up for entertainment
in their little made up kingdom in libya
and its not every day you get to see a dude slay a dragon
so saint george goes around
baptizing all of these motherfuckers
and meanwhile the dragon has to just stand there
knowing exactly what is about to happen
not being able to do anything about it
because it just feels
too
damn
PRETTY
so finally
AFTER all the baptisms
saint george walks over and slays the fuck out of the dragon
and it puts up no resistance
and then the king builds a church
right where the diseased dragon died
which to me seems like
an even worse idea
than building your house on an indian burial ground
but anyway it turns out pretty ok
because the altar in the church
sprays out water
that cures all dieases
how sweet is that
now guys
listen up
because there is something you should know about this myth
this myth is like
the official myth of England
the values illustrated in this myth
are supposed to be like
the founding values of their country
so basically everyone in england
is supposed to be a lance-wielding murder machine
who wants nothing more
than to baptize massive crowds of people
and dress dudes up in women’s clothing

God Save The Queen.

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4 thoughts on “Hey Guys Lets Convert to Christianity

  1. Shit I would post a comment but I've just realised I was supposed to baptise like 20 people today.

    God Save The Queen.

  2. oh my goodness. I've read every single one of your posts thus far, and i love all of them, but this one just makes me insanely happy. just sayin. i'm pretty addicted and am wasting all of my time on here. so good job there.

  3. 'saint george walks over and slays the fuck out of the dragon
    and it puts up no resistance'

    Now I'm imagining the dragon singing Touch-a-Touch-me from Rocky Horror and trying very hard to not piss myself laughing.

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