Holi is literally a murder festival

This one courtesy of a drunk guy i know
who wasn’t me
but was certainly talking to me

so you remember Vishnu?
he was the guy shooting blood out of his face that one time
i’m sorry i gave him kind of a bad rap before
he’s actually pretty legit
here’s why

so there’s this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
apparently when they were handing out names
this guy was too poor to buy a real one
and just picked up all the discarded syllables off the floor
and made this clusterfuck of a hero sandwich out of letters
anyway this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
spends a whole bunch of time doing penance
for nothing at all
or maybe for all the really bad shit he is planning on doing in the future
either way he finishes all this penance
and he hits up Brahma (the tithungry ultragod)
and is like can I get a boon
and Brahma is like well since you did all this penance
and you didn’t even do anything wrong
you have atoned so hard that you get SUPERPOWERS
so sure what do you want
and this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like ahem
i have rehearsed this
hold on

I want to not be killed
during the day or at night
in a house or outside a house
or on earth or in the sky
neither by man or by animal
he also says neither by astra nor shastra
but all i can find on the subject
suggests that a shastra is a code of laws or something
and i don’t even know what an astra is
so maybe he is worried about some kind of papercut?

so brahma is like sure dude
i mean
you realize
you could have just said “I want to never be killed”
that would have been a lot simpler
and probably a lot more foolproof
seriously dude this is some macbeth shit
you are just begging for someone to kill you on a technicality
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like i don’t even give a fuck I am declaring WAR ON YOU RIGHT NOW
SEEING AS I CANNOT BE KILLED EVER AT ALL
MY PLAN IS SO FOOLPROOF
FOOLS ARE JUST SLIDING OFF OF MY PLAN LIKE GREASED BUTTER OFF A DUCK
A DUCK THAT DEFLECTS BUTTER INSTEAD OF WATER
GREASED BUTTER
ANYWAY WARTIME

so then he goes around
terrorizing the shit out of 100% of everyone
and he is like guess what guys
i am hereby changing the name of every town
to murdertown
until all yall agree to stop worshipping gods
and start worshipping me
the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
and everyone is like what
how can we we worship you
we don’t even fully understand what your name is
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like oh look i just ate your chest and everyone is like ALL HAIL…
THIS GUY

but there is one dude who will not worship this cockblister
and it just happens to be HIS VERY OWN SON
PRAHLADA
see Prahlada is just all about lord Vishnu
(see i told you this story was going to be about Vishnu
you need to learn to trust me my friends)
and no matter how much murder his dad does,
Prahlada just does NOT
STOP
BELIEVING

so naturally this pisses mister HIRANYAKASHIPU off
and he is like son
there comes a time in every man’s life
where his father puts poison in his mouth
and then tramples him with elephants in a room full of hungry snakes
that time is now
good luck
and then six hours later he is like FUCKING DAMMIT HOW ARE YOU ALIVE
I mean hey son what’s up
i need you to go sit in this fire i am building for you
it is a very special birthday gift from me to you
and Prahlada is like it’s not my birthday
and Hiranyakashipu is like LOOKS LIKE CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR
GET IN THE FUCKING FIRE
look your evil aunt Holika is already in there
not burning up or anything
it’s totally fine

of course what he neglects to mention
is that Holika is IMMUNE TO FIRE
as a result of another one of Brahma’s retarded boons
seriously this dude is just handing out boons
like oh thank you for the delivery pizza
geeze i don’t have any cash
do you accept boons
anyway Prahlada is like WHATEVER DAD
I’LL GET IN THE FIRE IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
and he gets in that fire

so he’s sitting there in this fire with his evil asbestos aunt
and he is like hey vishnu
can you make me not catch on fire
and vishnu is like done
also as an added bonus
Holika is on fire now
I guess I gave you her fire resistance or something
whoops
hold on I’ll be there in a second don’t move

so then Vishnu shows up
only he’s not Vishnu
he is a dude with a LION HEAD
also claws
he is basically the minotaur
but with LIONS
holy shit
and he is like hey Hiranyakawhatever
I heard there was a potluck
so i brought some murder
but i didn’t make enough for everybody
just you basically

so then basically what he does
is he takes hiranyakashaka
and he forces him to sit in his lap
like some kind of hindu murdersanta
and vishnu’s lap
as you might have guessed
is neither heaven nor earth
and he is sitting on the front porch of the demon’s house
which is neither inside nor outside technically
also since he is a weird lion dude
he is neither man nor animal
and no one knows what ashtra or shastra is so that’s moot
also it is twilight
so there’s that

anyway then Hiranyakaboo is dead
and everybody celebrates by throwing paint at each other
this actually still happens in india

so the moral of the story
is next time you get a genie or a retarded boon
just wish for immortality
because you just cannot prepare
for crafty lion-dudes

The end.

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8 thoughts on “Holi is literally a murder festival

  1. I'm a Hindu, and I LOVE this so much. XD By the way, as far as I know, astra = weapon. Shashtra = magical chants/spells. Since Vishnu in the form of Narasimha (the man-lion amalgamation) ripped him apart with claws instead of a sword or divine power, it counts.

    ~ Sivaroobini (Yes, I am named for Shiva, but sadly I cannot dance as well as He can.)

  2. I heard there was a potluck
    so i brought some murder
    but i didn't make enough for everybody
    just you basically

    Oh man, I want to use that line so bad.

  3. Another Hindu dude here. Backing up sirius-luva though I'm pretty sure this guy was ripped apart by hands and not claws. They actually have really sweet statues of this scene all around Kathmandu.

  4. astra:In Hindu mythology, an astra was a supernatural weapon, presided over by a specific deity. To summon or use an astra required knowledge of a specific incantation/invocation, when armed. The deity invoked would then endow the weapon, making it impossible to counter through regular means.

    again proving that, when all else fails,, try wikipedia

  5. Yeah, pretty much what ^they^ said except these astras aren't just weapons. They can be as powerful as nukes, except you can attach them to your arrow.

    Also, Hiranyakashipu FIRST asked for immortality, but apparently the ONE boon gods cannot give is that of immortality. Which is why he had to come up with that ridiculously convoluted boon.

    Similarly, a demon once tried to get around the "no-immortality" boon thing by asking to be only killable by a child of Vishnu and Shiva (who are both dudes). Needless to say, said gods took it on as a challenge and produced a child who proceeded to go medieval on said demon's ass.

    Hindu mythology has only one setting: epic.

  6. Another Hindu here, and just one thing: he did ask for immortality first and Brahma was like “oh shit no man I mean I can do a fuckload of magic but not nearly that much” so H-whatever said, “aight aight aight how you make me BASICALLY immortal, you cool wit that?” And so Brahma went “Ah fuck it, knock yourself out kiddo.”

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