HORSES

alright before we begin
i just want to go on the record
and say that google adsense
is the closest you can get to a scam
without actually giving your money
to some kind of unscrupulous character
with very shiny hair
and too many briefcases
who maybe has like
a trenchcoat
and some watches in the trenchcoat
some watches and some knives
he can probably get you human organs he is so unscrupulous
seriously if you are starting a blog
and you are thinking hm
i want to generate some revenue
maybe i’ll try this google adsense business
do yourself a favor
and just go rub your head around inside an iron maiden for a few hours
you will make exactly the same amount of money i promise
and you’ll get some cool scars
like maybe one will look like a sweet racing stripe
for your FACE
which is more than google adsense has ever done for me
so go ahead assholes
cancel my account
come on i dare you
because honestly guys
i am too much of a pussy
to give up the 45 dollars you will never pay me
because you insist on only paying out 100 bucks at a time
because i cling to a vain belief that one day
ONE DAY
I will make the rest of the money
and laugh and laugh as i go to the bank and turn it all into pennies
and fill a kiddie pool with it
and dive into it like scrooge mcduck
laughing and cavorting
and injuring myself fatally

WOO TANGENT

ANYWAY

here i am again
come crawling back to greek mythology
after a long abstinence
like i’m in an abusive relationship
only my significant other
is a bunch of idiot children with superpowers
who just keep disappointing me
with their startlingly violent brand of immaturity
and i just keep crawling back because deep down
i know they love me
i know they love me

so there’s this guy Bellerophon right
he gets exiled for murdering a citizen of corinth
where he grew up
he murders this guy for basically no reason
but it’s ok
because he wanders around for a bit
until this dude king proteus absolves him of his guilt
and is like hey
come live in my kingdom Tiryns
we need more murderers in tiryns

so bellerophon is like sweet ok
and he goes and hangs out in tiryns
and he is there for like fifteen minutes
when Proteus’s wife Stheneboea is like hey sugar
how about murdering MY citizens
and by murdering i mean having sex with
and by citizens i mean vagina
and bellerophon is like what
what the fuck
no
gross
eww
who are you
what is wrong with you
and Stheneboea is like ok well fuck you too
hey proteus
hey husband proteus
guess what Bellerophon did
he tried to have sexual intercourse with me
he was totally coming onto me
but i was like NO WAY JOSE because i am good wife
and Proteus is like RRRR I WANT TO MURDER THAT GUY
BUT I CAN’T
CAUSE HE’S MY GUEST
HEY BELLEROPHON COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR
and Bellerophon is like sure dude what’s up
and proteus is like here
take this letter
deliver it to king Iobates of Lycia
nothing bad will happen
and Bellerophon is like i believe you no problem

so Bellerophon takes the letter to lycia
and since he is illiterate
(and in fact everyone is illiterate at this time in history
and i’m not even sure how Proteus wrote the letter)
he doesn’t read the letter and find out
that it says
DEAR IOBATES
DO YOU SEE THIS GUY HOLDING THIS LETTER
DO ME A SOLID
MURDER HIM
KISSES,
KING PROTEUS

so bellerophon gets to lycia
and he gives iobates the letter
and iobates reads it
and is like aw fuck you proteus
seriously?
you know i’m bound by the same laws of hospitality right
i can’t kill guests
and guess what
BELLEROPHON IS A GUEST

so instead of murdering Bellerophon
Iobates hooks him up with sweet feasts
for FOUR DAYS
this is like antimurder right here
but then after 4 days he has an idea
he is like hey Bellerophon
can you do me a solid
and Bellerophon is like sure
do you need me to deliver another letter
do you need me to eat more feasts
do you need me to murder your citizens
these are three areas in which i excel
and Iobates is like no no
how about instead
you kill THE CHIMAERA for me

now the chimaera
for those of you who dont know
is this big lion
that is also a snake
and also a goat
and breathes fire
and is directly related to both the hydra
AND cerberus
so it’s basically like you took one of those kid’s toys
with the little spinny sections with animals on them
that mix and match
and you picked the THREE MOST HORRIFYING SECTIONS
and you lined them up
and glued that shit in place
and then it became giant and it started breathing FIRE

now when iobates describes this thing
he does not sugarcoat it AT ALL
he is practically shitting himself with fear
as he describes this invincible beast
but see this is all part of his plan
because he knows
that bellerophon
will take any opportunity
to prove that he’s a big man
and predictably
Bellerophon is like psh
sounds like a piece of cake
I’ll DO IT
and iobates is like haha sucker
umm i mean GREAT! WONDERFUL!

so bellerophon gets down to the serious business
of figuring out how to kill this horrorbeast
and he does some research
and is like hm
well every time someone tries to attack it on foot
the chimera kills them
and one time a guy showed up on a horse
and the chimera shot the horse out from under him
and then killed him
so the solution must be
to not go on foot or on a horse
this leaves two options
by sea
or by air
but it would be really hard to get a boat into the chimera’s lair
because it is MILES AWAY FROM ANY COAST
so really there is only one option
TOTAL AERIAL ANNIHILATION

but instead of building a helicopter like I would have
he starts having these fancy prancy dreams
about riding nancy boy sky ponies
and then athena comes to him in a dream
all like HEY PRETTY SUNSHINE TAKE THIS GOLDEN PRETTY PONY BRIDLE
and bellerophon is like OH MAN IT IS SO PRETTY
I AM GOING TO BE THE PRETTIEST FUCKING PRINCESS
and he wakes up
and it’s like in nightmare on elm street
where he still has the golden bridle or whatever when he wakes up
man remember when johnny depp gets sucked into the bed
and then his blood all shoots at the ceiling
man that is fucking crazy shit
anyway yeah bellerophon wakes up and goes to a lake
and puts his nancy boy bridle on the fucking pegasus
which is actually a pretty badass horse
seeing as it flew out of medusa’s neck
when perseus chopped her head off
can you imagine that
that would be pretty fucking sweet to watch
how often do you get to see an acute case of HORSENECK

so yeah then he gets to ride a flying horse
but he still needs a weapon
so he just gets a spear
but then he’s like man this spear is not nearly clumsy enough
gods what should i do
and the gods are all like PUT A BIG CHUNK OF LEAD ON THE FRONT OF IT
and bellerophon is like dur ok
so he sticks a big old hunk of lead to the front of it
but it actually works out fine
cause then he goes and charges the chimera
and jams the lead into its throat
like a big rusty heavy toilet plunger
choking it hardcore
and then the chimera is like FUCK THIS
FIREBREATHING TIME
and it breathes fire
and all the lead melts and goes down its throat
and it dies of lead poisoning
bam
greatest monster ever
reduced to the level of a bunch of dead babies in the 90s

so Iobates hears about this
and is like FUCK
hey bellerophon
will you do me another favor
will you kill these incredibly dangerous
and deadly locals for me
and bellerophon is like sure
and he does it
because he has a fucking FLYING HORSE
so iobates is like how about some amazons
and bellerophon is like PEGASUS’D
and iobates is like how about i ambush you with some soldiers
and bellerophon is like DOUBLE PEGASUS’D
and iobates is like ok how about i give you half my kingdom
and my daughter
and bellerophon is like shit yeah

bellerophon is so pumped by his success
that he immediately flies back to king proteus
and is like hey Stheneboea
howsabout you and me go for a ride on my PEGASUS
and stheneboea is like sweet
this can’t possibly go wrong
and they go flying all the fuck everywhere
and then bellerophon is like PSYCHE
PUSHIN’ YA OFF THE HORSE BIIIIIITCH
THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME

then he goes back to his kingdom
and becomes quickly convinced
that he is such hot shit
that he really ought to go chill on olympus
with all the gods and shit
so he gets on his horse
and points in the direction of olympus
and is like
giddy
the fuck
up

so pegasus is just cruisin’ through the sky
when the gods catch on to what’s happening
and are like aw hell no
we are having a totally private orgy
and bellerophon is not invited
so they send a gadfly
which is just a name for the most annoying fly possible
to go bite pegasus’ ass
and then pegasus bucks
and bellerophon
being a shitty horseman
falls off
and breaks all his limbs
and gets to wander the earth forever
cripped and friendless

so the moral of the story is
always wear a seatbelt

THE END

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