How To Get Your Own Christmas Carol

Today’s myth was written and sent to me over a year ago
by none other than the sexy ghost of Rapunzel
and I am posting it now because it is Christmas time
and therefore appropriate
and also since it is christmas time i am busy seeing family and getting drunk and shit
so uh
your regularly scheduled myths will return in 2013
unless i get bored of family shit and start back up sooner
but probably
2013
ANYWAY HERE’S A STORY ABOUT A RAD DUKE:

So there’s this guy Wenceslas and he’s a duke
Duke of Bohemia out in what is now Czechoslovakia
This is pretty sweet, seeing as how he is in charge of of all the 10th century artsy people
Anyhow
He and all his courtiers are all sitting around on St. Stephen’s Day
All you UK folks know what that is- us Americans call it Boxing Day for some reason
Either way, it is December 26th and since no one has any presents to return, they are all chilling and enjoying all their Christmas leftovers
It is really freaking cold, and because this is 10th c Czechoslovakia there is like 15ft of snow outside
Wenceslas looks out the window and he’s like “Hey artsy courtiers, who’s that old guy in the sackcloth with the long beard scrounging for firewood? I do not remember seeing him in the pottery shed or at any of the poetry readings.”
His page is like “Oh yeah, he’s this poor old dude who lives at the foot of the mountains near St. Agnes’ fountain– hey that rhymes!”
Wenceslas is all “Spare me your rhymes! We cannot have hermits going hungry in my duchy! Fetch a lunch box! We are taking this guy some of our sweet Christmas leftovers!”
So the page gets the Tupperware and the picnic basket and he and Wenceslas go out in the 30-below weather to bring this old dude some leftovers
Now again, this is 10th c Czechoslovakia and their Bohemia hand-woven organically dyed wool cloaks are just not cutting it
The page is like “Hey um sire? I am kinda freezing back here and the temperature is dropping and it’s so windy I think I may have left my tights standing in the snow behind me…”
Wenceslas says “Tosh! Just step where I step, keep moving! That’ll warm you up. Now hush. You’re building character.”
So the page follows in King Wenceslas’ footsteps and GUESS WHAT?!
The footprints are actually HOT.
This guy is owning so much piety and righteousness that he is BURNING HIS WAY through the 15ft snowbanks!

And that is how take-out was born.

The end.

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4 thoughts on “How To Get Your Own Christmas Carol

  1. I’m in the UK and I had no idea St. Stephen’s day was Boxing Day (that is, we call it the latter, maybe Christian-types know about the saint bit too). I did know that Czechoslovakia isn’t a country anymore, but I’m on the same continent and news travels slow over all that sea.

    Also, apparently the real King Wenceslas was famous for a lot of murder.

    • I read somewhere that the charitable King (and apparently Saint) Wenceslaus (the u is optional, I guess?) is not the same Wencesla(u)s as the murdery one. Maybe it was a popular name for kings on account of the sainthood?

  2. Dude, we call it ‘Boxing Day’. Boxing Day is a British tradition. I was taught that it originated here, although Wiki suggests its origins are more obscure, although definitely European. Quoth wiki ‘This custom is linked to an older English tradition: Since they would have to wait on their masters on Christmas Day, the servants of the wealthy were allowed the next day to visit their families. The employers would give each servant a box to take home containing gifts and bonuses, and sometimes leftover food’ – that’s basically what I was taught. Calling it Boxing Day used to really confuse my American friends when we lived in the States, so your line was WELL confusing.

    Apparently St Stephen’s Day Feast is an Irish thing (agains, from Wiki, so not authoratative, but might explain why you’re getting confused Brits).

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