I am fucking terrified of spiders

Ever heard of Arachne?

well you are ABOUT to hear of her
she was this chick
and her thing was to be incredibly good at weaving
she would just sit and weave all day
and everyone was like damn girl that is some fine-ass cloth you are weaving
and at first she was like
thank you for that lovely compliment
but later she was like
yeah i know
i’m totally the best weaver ever
BETTER
THAN
ANYBODY
and in a world without vengeful gods
that might have been the end of it
but this is ancient greece
where you cannot throw a fucking rock
without murdering a sacred snake
and getting your dick cut off

so it turns out
than in addition to being the goddess of wisdom and war
Athena is also the goddess of weaving
which i think suggests
that her domain
is things that start with the letter W
except that poseidon is the god of water?
great job athena
anyway athena gets pissed off because Arache is so goddam full of herself
and so she disguises herself as an old woman
and goes down to earth and is like
sup arachne
and arachne is like sup
have you heard that I am the greatest weaver even greater than Athena
and Athena says no bitch tell me more
and Arachne says well that’s basically it
i am the shit and that is not a lie
and Athena says i dunno i hear this athena is pretty great at weaving
and Arachne says oh yeah i could fucking take her
and then Athena morphs into Athena and is like BRING IT BIIIII
IIIIIII
IIIIIITCH
AND IT IS ON
THEY START WEAVING SO FUCKING HARD
THE CONTEST PROBABLY GOES ON FOR LIKE
8
WHOLE
DAYYYYS
they are straight up just weaving the fuck out of some tapestries
Athena is weaving a tapestry about how mortals should shut the fuck up
and show some respect
and Arachne is making a tapestry about the gods
basically being dicks
and fucking around
so essentially
they are having a rap battle
with STRING
and they finish weaving
and Athena is like alright bitch show me what you made
and she sees it and it is IMMACULATE
straight up
she cannot find a single flaw in this shit
so she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT
and is like okay if you’re so good at weaving weave up your FACE
and then she cuts Arachne’s FACE
and then breaks her loom and probably the chair she sat on too
and is like KNEEL BITCH
and arachne is all I will not kneel
and athena is all KNEEL BITCH
and arachne is like you know what
how about i hang myself how about that
and Athena says fine
and Arachne says fine
and she hangs herself
but then Athena gets all butthurt about it
and kind of feels bad
and so she goes over
and sprinkles her with the juice of this plant
called aconite
but also called blue rocket
which is way sweeter
and it makes arachne bald
and she shrinks
and her neck won’t fit in the noose anymore
and the noose becomes a web
and arachne turns into a spider
and athena looks at her
and she says
can’t even kill yourself right can you bitch

THE END

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5 thoughts on “I am fucking terrified of spiders

  1. PS I work on "Spiderman" on Broadway, which has incorporated the Arachne myth in to the Peter Parker storyline, and I really needed a break from that shit factory. This is just what the doctor ordered. Amen Brother.

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