I am sorry, Lord

[I don’t think I offended anyone with this, which i guess proves how chill you guys are who read my blog. Just wanna make it clear that I am not a dude who hates on the Jesus thing. I only take issue with a very specific expression of the Jesus thing. Happy April Fool’s]

Dear misguided followers of this wretched abomination in the eyes of THE LORD,

In the process of researching my upcoming tirade against the book of Revelations, I have come across incontrovertible proof that Jesus is LORD, and through him is the only way to salvation. I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, and I renounce and beg forgiveness for all my past sins. I have used The Lord’s name in vain more times than I can count, and worse words besides. I have made light of the word of the Lord Our God, the Holy Bible. I have treated these godless pagan religions as if they deserve as much recognition as the direct word of Our Heavenly Father. I cannot forgive myself for what I have done. But Jesus Christ, in his infinite heavenly love, has forgiven me. And he can forgive you, too. Please, I urge you all to repent now, before it’s too late. Perhaps you have seen the billboards around Los Angeles, in which case you know: Judgement day is May 21, 2011. There’s not much time left to repent. I intend to spend the coming weeks in prayer and solidarity with my fellow Christians. I suggest you do the same. I am leaving this website up as proof of the depths to which I once sank, and of the holy redemption that it is His to give. As The Bible says,

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on thy own understanding.”
(Proverbs, 3:5)

God Bless,
Ovid Naso

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12 thoughts on “I am sorry, Lord

  1. Goddammit, mythman. I came to retrieve that myth about the dude that stretches and/or mutilates unlucky travelers on his bed, and I came upon this. And spit tea all over my keyboard.

    So I guess I should send the bill to Jesus?

  2. Gods I love you, man. Only April Fool's gag today that actually simultaneously made me worried AND laugh. Bravo!

  3. I don't believe in stuff I can't see, or deities with issues about wanking and hats, but I don't hate on the Jesus thing either, as long as His lot aren't dicks.

    So OH GOD I hated this man who appeared in my neighbourhood on Saturday. He had Donald Trump hair, a megaphone, and a really embarrassed-looking kid handing out leaflets for the Church of Dicks with Megaphones (probably).

    I just really want to dress up as Jesus, and go and stand within five feet of him, next time he turns up with his shoutophone. If not Jesus, then Scooby Doo. Or Marcel Marceau. Or a giant banana. See how long he can stand it before he loses it and his hair turns savage. It would be great.

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