I Guess It’s Not Surprising That HP Lovecraft Hates Colors

Yes yes I know
You are all itching for the next installment of Moby Dong
but right now I gotta take a quick break
and tell you a tale
from a mythos hand-selected by my patreon backers.
Don’t like it?
FUCKING SIGN UP FOR MY PATREON AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Anyway yeah it’s Lovecraft time

I WASN’T ALWAYS A WEALTHY INTERNET CONTENT CREATOR, FRIENDS
many years ago I was a surveyor
I lived in Boston and I went around and surveyed shit
and this one time I had to go to this little village
near a town called Arkham
to plot out where to put a new reservoir
my job was very boring
this is one of the reasons I quit.

Another of the reasons I quit is that fuck Arkham
seriously, holy shit, never go to this place
bad shit happens there ALL THE TIME
like, example
this little village I had to go to
right over the hill from Arkham proper
was totally abandoned and spooky as fuck
it was abandoned, according to locals
because it was FUCKING CURSED
different people had tried to live there for a while
but it was too god damn spooky so they all left

Now, I figured this was bullshit
curses are bullshit
what am I,
a character in a short story written by a demented racist?
HAH
but it turns out this isn’t some ancient rumor about this place
turns out it got cursed in like
THE 80s
and in the center of this spooky god damn ghost town
is this huge chunk of gray-ass land with nothing on it
just dusty bullshit for like six acres
and a gross well
it’s super easy to survey, which is nice.

So obviously I have to check out these rumors
I don’t want my bosses building a reservoir on like
an ancient indian burial ground or something
nobody wants to drink ghosts
not even diluted ghosts
no ghosts are the kind of ghost I would want to drink
so I hit up basically the only dude crazy enough to still live here
this old dude named Ammi
like I said, he was the only dude still there
so I couldn’t pick someone with a less dumb name to talk to

Ammi’s like 80
so he was around for all the shit that happened 36 years ago
and according to him
it all started with
A METEOR
that landed on this dude Nahum Gardner’s farm
but this meteor didn’t wipe out all the dinosaurs
OR contain a baby superman
it just glowed faintly and shrank and was hot
so Nahum and his fam did what you normally do with shit like this:
they called some scientists
and the scientists did what they normally do in stories like this:
they were fucking useless
they bit off a chunk of this gooey rock
they bathed it in acid
they looked at it under a spectroscope
which showed them a color THEY HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE
and so were TOTALLY UNABLE TO DESCRIBE
like, did it not have a wavelength frequency?
How were these scientists content with “oh
we found a new color
nobody knows what it is”
WHERE IS THE FUCKING MATH ON THIS COLOR IS WHAT I’M SAYING

anyway
their sample shrinks and burns up their glassware and vanishes
so they have to go back to the farm to get more
and when they pry off a bigger chunk
they find this glass-type globe embedded in there
THE SAME INDESCRIBABLE COLOR AS THAT SPECTROGRAPH FROM BEFORE
so they do science to it
by which I mean some dude hits it with a hammer and it shatters
and they take no readings or analyze it in ANY WAY
and then they leave with their new rock chunk
and that night lightning strikes the meteor SIX TIMES
and then in the morning it’s gone
and the scientists continue to learn nothing
the end

OH WAIT NOT THE END
it looks like that meteor did something to the soil
because now Nahum Gardner’s trees are all fruiting
and the fruit is HUGE
which would be awesome if it didn’t all taste EVIL
INDESCRIBABLY EVIL

Oh and then it’s winter and his cabbages come in
and THEY’RE EVIL TOO
they’re HUGE and they are this INDESCRIBABLE color
(are you noticing a theme here?
I’m not sure this color is all that alien
I think everybody in this village is just terrible with words)

also all the little woodland creatures start mutating
their features and movements are all wrong
in a way no one can exactly put their finger on
and in the summer the farm swarms with insects
but these aren’t NORMAL insects
NO
they’re … different
… somehow

Some shit is pretty easy to describe though
like the fact that all the plants now GLOW IN THE DARK
or that the trees move even when there is NO WIND
(WHAT DO I KEEP TELLING YOU ABOUT TREES)
And then the plants start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and then the animals start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and the whole time Ammi keeps visiting
and being like “Yo maybe you should move
or maybe like at least stop drinking from your well
you know
your well that is clearly evil?”
But then instead of moving away
Nahum’s wife goes crazy
so he locks her in the attic
and then one of his sons goes crazy
so he locks him in the attic too
then the well sets another one of his sons on fire
so he’s down to one son
but then I guess the well eats that one too
but it’s cool because Nahum thinks he’s still alive
because Nahum crazy too now

this is around when Ammi shows up
like “hey I brought some groceries and some OH FUCK”
and Nahum is like “Sup Ammi come chill with me by the fire”
and Ammi is like “Dude there is no fire your house is haunted
your house may actually just be a ghost at this point.
Gonna go upstairs because you probably forgot to feed your wife”
(oh yeah the first crazy son is also dead now)
so Ammi goes up to the wife’s room
and he opens the door and a vapor that is CLEARLY A GHOST comes out
but he’s too busy freaking out about the wife
who has decayed into grey dust
but is STILL MOVING.
Now, Ammi didn’t tell me this straight out
but I’m PRETTY SURE he beat Nahum’s wife to death
it was the right thing to do.

So by now Ammi’s freaking out obviously
he heads downstairs and Nahum is suddenly decayed as fuck too
and he’s like “AMMI IT WAS THE METEOR
THE METEOR POISONED THE WATER AND KILLED MY KIDS”
and Ammi is like “Yes, obviously
I have been telling you not to drink the water or live here
you are an idiot made of grey dust goodbye”
then he goes and gets the police
who insist on draining the evil well
and there’s dead bodies in there because what did you expect
or at least dead skeletons
and then all of a sudden the whole house starts glowing
and light starts shooting out of the well
IN A COLOR WHICH, EVEN NOW, NO ONE CAN IDENTIFY
YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD HAVE AT LEAST COME UP WITH A WORD FOR IT
OH WELL
anyway everybody runs away
and the trees all start raving pretty hard
and then the color goes to space
so this whole time
it was just a weird color that wanted to go to space
and murdered an entire family in the process
but some of it probably stayed in the well
which is why nothing grows in that big plot of land now
it’s all just grey dust
and a well
and the greyness might be growing like an inch a year too
who knows?

I sure as fuck don’t know
I don’t want to know anything more about this nightmare farm
as soon as Ammi was finished with his story
I went right back to Boston and quit my job
because fuck me if I’m working for a company
that wants to build a reservoir on top of SPACE GHOSTS.

The moral of the story I think
is that the middle of an unprecedented alien crisis
is the WORST time to abandon the scientific method.

The end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

8 thoughts on “I Guess It’s Not Surprising That HP Lovecraft Hates Colors

  1. “and the trees all start raving pretty hard”

    Great, now I am imagining all the trees moving their branches to techno music while that oddly colored light pulsates out of the well, turing that whole place into a disco…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>