Ilmatar likes to dive headfirst into shitstorms

Awestruck shoutout
to Scandanavian sex icon Pjarl Torturetruck
for bathing me in a sea of dollars
in an effort to get me to tell this myth from the Kalevala
(National epic of FINLAND!)
EFFORT SUCCESSFUL

So basically there’s this chick Ilmatar right
except in the original version
you don’t find out what her name is until the LAST FUCKING LINE OF THE STORY
that my friends
is called bad storytelling
anyway Ilmatar is like the daughter of Ether
whatever that means
i guess basically it means she hangs out in bumfuck airland nowheresville
all the time
every day
and so understandably she gets SUPER BORED
and she is like IMA GO SWIMMING
and the ocean is like HA HA BITCH I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS A LONG TIME
and proceeds to just conjure up EVERY AVAILABLE STORM
in order to turn Ilmatar’s life into a living well of watery torturesex
so not only does she get drowned for like SEVEN YEARS
and super lost
even though how can you ever get lost
when your house
is AIR
but anyway she also gets PREGNANT
and also the water won’t let her go above the surface
all like nope
nope
and she keeps swimming everywhere but it is NO USE AT ALL
and she is like mannnn
i sure was bored in the ether
but being bored definitely trumps simultaneously drowning and being pregnant
EVERY TIME
hey Ukko
UKKO
GOD OF ALL THINGS
CAN YOU HOOK A SISTER UP WITH SOME ASSISTANCE PLEASE?
and ukko doesn’t say shit but then a duck appears
it is not clear whether Ukko sent the duck
maybe it’s just some duck
i dunno

anyway the duck is flying around
but see the problem is THERE IS NOWHERE TO LAND
so it’s about to leave
when Ilmatar is like shit shit shit
hold on
and sticks her shoulder and one of her knees above the water
the water that until now
has ACTIVELY BEEN PREVENTING HER FROM BREAKING THE SURFACE
i guess it figures it’s fine if she breaks the surface
as long as she suffers a lot while doing it
the ocean is a DICK
but not an actual dick
although wouldn’t it be funny
if astronauts went to space
and sent back the first aerial photographs of the earth
and it turns out that all the oceans were shaped like dicks?
man that would be CLASSIC
anyway Ilmatar is in an incredibly painful and awkward position
having to hold her shoulders and knee up
while simultaneously treading water with her asscheeks probably
and the duck is like OH SHIT LAND
and goes down and builds a fucking nest on her knee
and then lays some eggs
and then sits on them
but meanwhile Ilmatar is like FUCK HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE
WHAT DOES THIS DUCK HAVE TO DO WITH ME NOT BEING IN WATER ANYMORE
NOW I AM IN WATER AND ALSO UNCOMFORTABLE AND THERE ARE EGGS ON MY KNEE
oh yeah also?
the eggs are made of gold
and one of them
is made of IRON
NOT THE BEST THING TO HAVE TO BALANCE ON YOUR FUCKING KNEE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS
and so predictably she fails
she starts shaking her knee around
and the nest explodes
and all the eggs fall off and break in the ocean
BUT IT’S OKAY
BECAUSE THEY TURN INTO LAND FOR SOME REASON
ALSO HEAVEN
PROBLEM SOLVED
TOTALLY SHOULD’VE STARTED SHAKING YOUR KNEE AROUND EARLIER HUH ILMATAR

so now there’s land
awesome
now Ilmatar can finally get out of the fucking water right?
WRONG
she swims around for another like TWENTY YEARS
just making shit
like islands and fishholes and the marianas trench
which begs the question
WHY DIDN’T SHE DO THIS EARLIER
WHAT WAS IT ABOUT BROKEN METAL DUCK EGGS THAT SUDDENLY MADE ALL THINGS POSSIBLE
but anyway then there’s this dude Wainamoinen
whose name i am now going to be saying over and over again ALL DAY
ESPECIALLY WHEN I GO TO THE POST OFFICE AND PEOPLE ARE STARING AT ME
and Wainamoinen is either still in Ilmatar’s coochbag
or imprisoned underground or something?
the text is not clear
but if he’s still not born yet
then that makes him THIRTY YEARS OLD AT THIS POINT
which is just straight up creepy
i mean why would Ilmatar wanna keep a baby in her that long?
did she just forget?
do people forget things like that?
but no matter where he is
Wainamoinen is pretty pissed off
about not being able to move around and do shit
so he’s like HEY
SUN
HEY
MOON
HEY
BEAR OF HEAVEN
holy shit there’s a bear of heaven?
okay that must be Ursa Major
but i prefer to think of it as just some fucking bear
that is running around all over the sky massacring everything and answering prayers
as long as they are prayers to get MASSACRED
but yeah Wainamoinen is asking all these celestial motherfuckers to let him out
and they just straight up ignore him
so he’s like you know what fuck this
and just busts out on his own
and then swims around the ocean for a bunch of years super lost
but finally he finds some land
and he’s like whoa shit there are trees and whatnot
and he starts walking around
and has a whole bunch more adventures probably and it’s great

so the moral of the story is
you are alone in the universe
i mean
the gods are there
but they are either not listening
or they think the solution to your problem is to throw incompetent ducks at you
so you’re just gonna have to figure shit out on your own

the end.

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7 thoughts on “Ilmatar likes to dive headfirst into shitstorms

  1. I've been living in Finland the past 11 years and you have no idea how you made my day when I woke up and read this.

    P.S. It's Väinämöinen. That's right, our keyboards have umlauts over here.

  2. There's a pretty fucking metal story in the epic this is from where this dude (I think Lemminkainen? Pretend that has magic umlauts in the appropriate places) drowns and his mom starts to wonder where the fuck he went. So after a while she asks around and finds out that he drowned in the river, so she gets a fucking rake and starts raking the river and dragging out bits and pieces of his body (don't fucking ask me why he was in so many pieces) and she sews his body chunks back up trying to bring him back to life. It of course doesn't fucking work and you almost think there's a lesson to be learned until she finds out all she needs to do is put honey on the dude's lips and then he's totally fine.

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