In Which Being a Bastard Does NOT Work

Alright welcome back to Odin week motherfuckers

now it was drawn to my attention
by this chick I know
that the days of the week
are actually named after norse gods
and also big shit in the sky
you’ve got moon day
tyr’s day
Odin’s day
(which is why it’s spelled all funny)
Thor’s day
Freya’s day
Sun day
and then Saturn day is just some roman bullshit
got thrown right in there along with the norse
fucking romans
gods always sticking it in where they don’t belong

anyway my point is
that I have been kind of fucking up this week
see what I should have done
is told a myth about Tyr on tuesday
and a myth about Odin on wednesday
and I should be telling you one about Thor today
WELL TOUGH TITS GUYS
Because like i said
IT’S ODIN WEEK
and you are going to have to deal with that

but I will do something for you guys
kind of a concession
a little bit of a bonus
to placate you
which is
if I get at least three people telling me it’s a good idea in the comments
at the bottom of this post
tomorrow I will put up a myth about Freya
in honor of her day of the week
but Saturday is still gonna be Odin day no matter what alright
because fuck saturn

AN
Y
WAY

This myth takes place back in the day
before Odin was such a one-eyed badass
when he used to live on an island with his wife Frigga
aka Freya
aka WIFE OF GRIMNER THE FISHERMAN
because GRIMNER is the bizarre moniker odin happens to be going by
at the moment
let me just say that Grimner is a pretty fucking badass name
especially for a fisherman
and all of my children are going to be named Grimner
boys and girls
especially girls

anyway frigga and odin are chilling on this island
kind of just keeping an eye out
for bad dudes who get lost on their ships
and are of a sufficiently impressionable age
to be molded into ultimate heroes
designed to kill giants
because basically all the Aesir ever do
is think up ways to fuck with giants
Loki is pretty much the only one you even see getting laid
and all the other aesir hate him anyway
cause everyone else basically just sits around
thinking about fucking up giants all day

so one day odin and frigga are out looking for shipwrecked dudes
and they find the sons of king Hrauding
who i know nothing about
but i guess he was a pretty awesome king
cause Odin and frigga shit themselves with excitement
and they immediately start having a pissing contest
to see who can turn one of the brothers
into the most absurdly righteous hero engine

so Odin grabs his favorite of the two
Geirrod
who is the youngest
and is really fucking loud all the time
also strong
and easily excited
and Odin teaches him how to hunt
and fish
and climb rocks
and jump over chasms
and he feeds him steroids and has him fight bears
with a shitty handmade spear
just to toughen him up
for the end of the world

and then there’s Frigga’s favorite
Agnar
who is older
and kind of softspoken
and generally sort of a nice guy
but also a consummate pussy
sometimes Agnar goes out with Geirrod
on his perpetual suicide missions with Odin
and he does ok
but his brother always does way better
and Odin is like HAHAHA PUSSY
LOOK WHAT A HERO YOUR BROTHER IS
GO BACK TO YOUR KNITTING PRINCESS

so Agnar does
he spends most of his time chilling with Frigga
who sits at home sewing most of the time
and talking about all the other Aesir
and the giants
and all the shit I already told you guys
like about what a musclebound dickstrap Thor is
and how Loki can’t fucking keep it in his pants
and Agnar is like damn
you guys are in some deep shit with friends like those
and you’re in charge of protecting Midgard?
where I live?!
no way girl
I am going to figure out how to do my part
to make sure you do not piss a flaming blue streak
through my precious land
I’m going to be super righteous and shit
it’s gonna rule

so the time comes for the boys to go back home
and Odin builds them a boat
because of ALL THE THINGS ODIN AND FRIGGA TAUGHT THEM
they did not think it was important
to teach them how to get off of a deserted island
even though that was the NUMBER ONE PROBLEM FACING THEM
THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME
but before they leave
Odin takes Geirrod aside
and is like dude
one day you are going to be king
you’re gonna be a fucking hero too
you are going to get so many bitches
it is going to be wicked
so remember
one day I am going to hit you up
and you better not be too stuck up
to allow GRIMNER THE FISHERMAN into your royal hall
because that would make you a shitty king
also
I want a couple of your bitches
and Geirrod is like no doubt dude
i am totally going to be a hero
but not a king though
because my pussy-ass brother is older than me
so you’ll have to ask him about the bitches
bummer, huh?
and Odin is like yeah, bummer.

Meanwhile Agnar is looking deep into Frigga’s eyes
all like
no matter what
I am going to figure out how to fight the battle of the gods
cause i am not leaving it in your hands
your husband made my brother fight a BEAR
with a SHARPENED STICK
AND NEVER TAUGHT US HOW TO BUILD A FUCKING BOAT
and frigga is like tru dat
good luck dude

so they set sail in their new boat
but just when they are in sight of their dad’s kingdom
Geirrod is like man it’s sure great that we’re going home
but you know what would be even better
is if only I made it home
and i told them you were dead
and they made me king
and Agnar is like no man
that sounds like it would be much much worse
than what is happening right now
and Geirrod is like TOUGH CHUCKLES PUSSY
I’VE ALREADY THROWN AWAY THE OARS
AND PUSHED US IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THE SHORE
AND NOW I AM GOING TO USE MY ULTIMATE SWIMMING SKILLS
TO SWIM TO SHORE
I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO KILL YOU
I AM JUST GOING TO BADASS YOU
TO DEATH

so this is exactly what Geirrod does
and his father is so happy to see him
cause he thought both his kids were dead
so one out of two aint bad
and pretty soon the old dude dies and Geirrod becomes a king
well played

So cut to a bunch of years later
after Odin chucks his eye into Mimir’s well
and gains ultimate wisdom
and he’s just walking from place to place
wandering around
judging people
when he arrives in Geirrod’s kingdom
and he’s like SWEET
finally
time for some fine bitches after all this wandering
and then all these jackasses on horses show up
and nearly trample him as they head into town
and he’s like whoa what the fuck guys
and follows them to the stables
where they yell for the servants to come out
but only one servant comes out
and guess who it is

that’s right

AGNAR
AGNAR has snuck back into the kingdom
and is working as a fucking stableboy
and his brother has no idea
Odin immediately knows all of this
through the magic power
of exposition
granted to him by the wisdom water
but he doesnt have time to do anything about it
cause the horse dudes are like
HEY ASSHOLE
COME HELP US WITH THESE HORSES
so he does
and then afterwards, Agnar is like hey man
would you like some bread
that is all I have
cause i am real poor
but you know
i can also offer you like
some straw
to sit on, not to eat
and odin is like yeah yeah thats fine
but what i really want
is some bitches
and some steaks
so I’m going to go into the royal hall real quick
and get that shit
and Agnar is like DUDE NO
The king is in a BAAAAAAAD MOOOOOOD
you do not want to go in there
and Odin is like yes i do
i want it like a man wants a fine steak and some even finer bitches
on a cold winter’s night
and Agnar is like alright suit yourself

so odin goes up to the royal hall
and knocks on the door like
hey
hey
hey
where my steaks at
and this hunchback comes out
like what the fuck do you want
and odin is like i wanna hang out in the king’s hall
and the hunchback is like not in this king’s hall buddy
and he’s about to punch him in the face
when the king yells at him from inside
so he lets odin in

And odin walks in
and he sees all these positively evil bastards eating at the king’s table
and he is like aww shit
Geirrod has become a king of wankers and thieves
and Geirrod looks at him and is like
SO YOU WANT TO COME HANG OUT WITH THE COOL KIDS HUH
WELL HOW ABOUT YOU SING FOR US
and Odin is like sure ok
how about I sing a song about what a shitty king you are
and Geirrod is like HOW ABOUT I CHAIN YOU UP AND SET YOU ON FIRE
AGAIN AND AGAIN
FOR EIGHT DAYS
and odin is like go for it

so they chain him up
and set him on fire
and he just stands there
mad dogging Geirrod
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
and early in the morning
when no one’s around
Agnar sneaks in
and gives him a horn of ale
so Odin gets completely shitfaced
because Geirrod tells all his servants
to make sure not to give Odin any food or water
so he has nothing in his system but ale and hatred
when Geirrod arrives in the evening
and sets him on fire again
and Odin just stands there
mad dogging him
not getting burnt

now you would think
that after two nights of this
Geirrod would figure out that fire doesnt hurt this guy
but no
he just goes for broke
he shows no sign of stopping
he just keeps setting this drunk motherfucker on fire
like i said for eight days
and Agnar keeps bringing him ale
until Odin gets drunk enough
that he is just like fuck this shit
and lightly rips all the chains out of the stone walls
and then walks slowly towards Geirrod
who really hates him at this point
and to make matters worse
he starts singing another song
about how shitty Geirrod is at being king
and how he is gonna die

so Geirrod does the sensible thing
and attacks him with his sword
i guess thinking that eight days of fire
probably weakened Odin’s invincibility or something
guess what
he is totally wrong about this
his sword fails
and Odin is like
HEY GUYS
GUESS WHAT
I’M ODIN
THE ALLFATHER
YOU ALL DONE FUCKED UP BAD

and the mere realization of how badly they have fucked up
turns all of the bastards in the court
including Geirrod
into wolves
and then they run away
and Odin is like hey Agnar
thanks for the booze
you’re king now
have fun
and Agnar turns out to be a really good king
a lot better than his asshole brother

so the moral of the story is
don’t set homeless people on fire
homeless people are flame retardant
and will turn you and your friends into wolves

The end

RedditStumbleUponShare

11 thoughts on “In Which Being a Bastard Does NOT Work

  1. HAHAHA!! i am Loving this. i mean, i have always loved the Norse myths. but your retelling gives them a new light and makes them really fun to read. i especially liked the parts about Loki, and Odin was beyond awesome. keep up the great work.
    -T.W.

  2. Dude, it is a fucking stellar idea to tell us about Freya! These myths retold are hilarious and informative, keep them coming.

  3. Blame's on the English for the saturn day, 'cause in Sweden we still have the motherfucking washing day. I suppose they really didn't like washing. So they had to run to the romans for a new day. Well, fine, whatever. Just remember to bathe very now and then.

  4. Hey previous anonymous, the German spelling of Odin may be Wotan, but they didn't worship Odin in Germany, what with having their own gods and shit. The Wednesday shit comes from Britain, where the Viking influence on the Saxons gave them Woden, and then what with the English being English and liking to spell things entirely separately to how they sound just to piss off foreigners, the day became Wednesday, which isn't really all that similar to Woden anyway. Maybe they just thought Wodnesday sounded weird.

  5. No last anonymous, they definitely had the same pantheon with different names. Mostly due to speaking a different fucking language

    • Who the “germans” here is important. Some of them worshipped the norse gods with different names, others didn’t. Also they had different versions of some myths. Like one where Hodr was a mortal who wanted to marry Nanna and killed Baldr with a sword named Mistletoe.

  6. Saturday isn’t named after a divine or celestial figure in any of Old Norse or any of the modern Nordic languages, either. Instead, it is called lørdag/lördag in Danish, Norwegian, and Swedish, a modern shorterning of the older laugardagr (it’s still called laugardagr in Icelandic, IIRC). It more or less means “bath day”, and it is the day in the week devoted to washing yourself and/or your house.

    Vikings either loved being fresh and clean that they devoted a whole day of the week to get it done or decided at some point that they needed to actually call a day “washing day” for people to remember to clean themselves at all.

    Also, great moral.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>