Inanna Goes Through a Lot Of Effort To Visit Relatives

A fellow named Huge Dickheart told me about this myth

Okay so Inanna is the Sumerian goddess of sexytimes pretty much
and one day she decides she’s gonna go down to hell to see her sister Ereshkigal
who is sort of the queen of hell or something
as a side note, Sumerian hell SUCKS
because basically how it is
is everyone that goes to it just has to live in a dreary clusterfuck of gloom
FOREVER
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DID DURING THEIR LIVES
like GREAT JOB PILING UP ALL THAT VIRTUE ASSHOLE
NOW IT IS TIME TO LANGUISH IN THE EMOPIT
the only thing you can even do to slightly mitigate your suffering
is make sacrifices to the dead while you are alive
although it is not clear whether the dead actually receive these sacrifices
or whether they are embezzled by hell’s shoddy management
man it is like a third world country down there let me tell you

so all of these factors work together
to make Inanna’s visit to hell TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE
in fact it is so inexplicable that even SHE cannot explain it
like one of the hell guards is like hey sexy lady
what’s a fine slice of butt like yourself doing in a place like this
and Inanna is like uhh
going to the funeral of my sister’s husband
I think his name is Gud-Gal-Ana?
The bull of heaven that Gilgamesh and Enkidu killed in that other story?
EXCEPT HERE’S THE THING GUYS
GUD GAL ANA IS NOT EVEN ERESHKIGAL’S HUSBAND
ERESHKIGAL IS ACTUALLY MARRIED TO THE PLAGUE GOD NURGAL
which is WAYYY worse for Ereshkigal
but also goes to show
that Inanna has NO FUCKING IDEA what she is doing down here
she clearly does not keep in touch with her sister or know anything about her life
plus she shows up to the gates of hell wearing ALL OF THE BLING
like a sparkly dress
and some kind of rhinestone thong
and a tape measure made of precious gems I think?
basically every single thing you can have or wear
that is in no way appropriate for a funeral

so naturally the guard at the gates of hell is mega suspicious
and he’s like hey
I’ll let you in to hell, sure
but you gotta give me that sweet tape measure you got there
and Inanna is like what
why?
and he’s like I dunno girl
that’s just the way shit goes down here in hell
SEE
WHAT DID I TELL YOU
HELL:
TOTALLY A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

so Inanna gives this dude her ruler
and then goes down into hell
but it’s not long before she runs into ANOTHER gate
with ANOTHER guard
and that guard is like “gimme your dress”
and she does
and then the next guard is like “gimme your pants”
and she does
and this happens SEVEN TIMES
until Inanna is TOTALLY NUDE
and she is down in the inner sanctum
and Ereshkigal is like sup sis

so Inanna is like hey sis how’s it going
just wanted to drop by and see how you’re doing
and Ereshkigal is like seriously?
bitch you did not even remember my husband’s NAME
I am disinclined to believe you give two soggy shits about how I’m doing
plus you just came down to hell
and we have kind of a reputation down here that we need to uphold
vis a vis no one ever leaving
so guess what?
YOU’RE DEAD NOW
and Inanna is like AW FUCK

but luckily for Inanna she kinda saw this coming
and she had one of her servants go around petitioning all the gods
like hey Inanna is about to do something dumb
wanna bail her out when she inevitably fucks up?
and most of the gods are like uhhhh no
but Enki
who also features prominently in Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
is like SURE
I WILL SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
so he makes these two robots out of the dirt under the other gods’ fingernails
(some pretty grody gods, I guess)
and he sends them down to hell to go rescue Inanna
but when they get down there Ereshkigal is TOTALLY PREGNANT
and she is on the floor in labor and she is like GUYSSSS
HELP ME OUT HERE
I WILL TOTALLY HOOK YOU UP WITH ALL KINDS OF SWEET REWARDS
but they are robots and they cannot feel emotions
so they just take Inanna’s corpse out of hell and beep beep boop their way home

but see some demons follow them out of hell
they’re like hey
due to the alchemical law of equivalent exchange
you can’t have Inanna back without trading in a body of greater or equal value
so the robots and the demons go all over the place shopping for bodies
the first person they see is Inanna’s servant
and Inanna is like nope
don’t take her
she’s too loyal
YEAH
APPARENTLY INANNA CAN TALK?
I REALLY CANNOT FIGURE OUT IF SHE’S DEAD OR NOT
and then they come across Inanna’s hairdresser
who is still in mourning
and Inanna is like AW HELL NO WHO IS GONNA DO MY HIGHLIGHTS THEN
so finally they come across Inanna’s husband
who is just having a nap under a tree and minding his own business
and Inanna is like HOW DARE MY HUSBAND NOT MOURN FOR MY STUPID DECISIONS
DEMONS
KILLLL HIMMMM
so the demons drag her husband screaming into hell
and then her husband’s sister gets mad
and strikes up a deal wherein she spends half the year in hell
instead of her bro
and he spends the other half of the year in hell
and then for some reason Inanna starts to regret her dumb decision
so whenever her husband is in hell she spends all her time mourning
and since she is also the god of fertility
the results are very similar to the end of the story of persephone
to wit: WINTER
GREAT

so the moral of the story
is try to remember the names of your siblings’ spouses
otherwise they will strip you naked and imprison you in hell

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “Inanna Goes Through a Lot Of Effort To Visit Relatives

  1. those two robots aren't robots. They are beings of light, Kinda like angels. They weren't emotionless, they had the waters and bread of life with which to revive Innana. But they needed to get past Ereshkigal first, so they wined her and dined her, and helped her redecorate her palace in Hell, and gave her grooming tips, and improved her highlights and instructions on better diet and exercise, and when Ereshkigal was all feeling good and pretty, she decided she needed a nap (cause all that shopping in hell in hard work) so she knocked out. So the beings of light, Kurg and Gala, they whip out the food and water of life and revive Inanna, and book it back to the lands of the living. And just as they were about to get there, Ereshkigal wakes up and realizes she has been deceived, and hauls ass up there all scary and pissed. So the Kurg and Gala give Inanna a chance to escape (with all her clothing and measuring tape) and Ereshkigal is so pissed that she curses Kurg and Gala to drink gutter water and eat dirt, and that nobody is gonna like them ever again. But she can't keep them in hell so, out they go.
    Inanna is thankful though, so she softens the curse and gives them a way out, by worshipping her and in time, thier devotion will set them free. And thats where gays comes from.

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