Inuits are funny as shit

So there are two giants right

okay this story is already off to a good start
line 1: GIANTS
where is it going to go from there?
Dragons?
Chainsaws?
WHOOPS SORRY NO
NOW THESE GIANTS ARE EATING FRUIT AND HAVING A BABY
dammit inuits
way to tease my cock

but wait
this baby
(named Sedna)
is no ordinary baby
no
she is A GIANT BABY
and also a HORRIBLE CHILD
because the first thing she does
is get bigger than her parents
the second thing she does
is eat all their food
and then one day they wake up to find her CHEWING ON THEIR LEGS

so at this point they are like THAT’S IT
BITCH IS GETTING DROWNED
and they take Sedna out to the middle of the ocean
and they chuck her overboard
and are like phew well I’m glad that’s over
HOLY SHIT SHE’S GRABBING OUR BOAT WITH HER HORRIBLE SAUSAGE FINGERS
CUT THEM OFF CUT THEM OFF CUT THEM OFF
so they do
and those must be some pretty sausagey fingers
because they turn into GIANT SEA CREATURES
WHALES
SEALS
DUGONGS PROLLY WHO KNOWS
TEN DIFFERENT KINDS OF CRAZYASS SEA CREATURES
ALL OF WHICH ARE MUCH LARGER THAN ORDINARY FINGERS
THIS BEGS THE QUESTION BEGGED BY MANY MYTHS:
IS THIS SHIT REALLY HAPPENING
OR IS EVERYONE INVOLVED JUST TRIPPING BALLS?

so then Sedna’s parents escape and go home
and they live happily ever after
and meanwhile Sedna sinks to the bottom of the ocean
moves into a house made of ice
and now she answers prayers for more fish
presumably by cutting off more of her body
and turning it into animals
although i am not sure how she does with WITHOUT FINGERS

so the moral of the story
is if you have a child who is a drain on your resources
consider dismembering and drowning them

the end.

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3 thoughts on “Inuits are funny as shit

  1. I think you also have to hang out with her after you die, like Purgatory before Heaven. And having no fingers, Sedna can't comb her hair, so sometimes she gets all pissy about it and causes storms, and a shaman has to go down and help straighten her shit out.

  2. i heard a version somewhere where her father somehow got tricked into marrying her off to a raven or something and he went to save her but the raven made a storm so he pushed her off the canoe to give her back and then chopped her fingers off with a paddle

  3. Pingback: Something We’ve Seen Before | Anthro 358: Native Peoples of North America

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