It is less than twelve days til the twelve days of Christmas

Alright guys
I know christmas isn’t for another like whatever number of days
but i am already super in the spirit
and it reminded me
of a surreal and terrifying experience i had LAST christmas.
it was so surreal and terrifying
they wrote a song about it
in the past
in France in like the 1700s
this song is known only as
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
maybe you have heard it
but that’s okay
because i am in the business of telling you things you heard already

okay so last christmas we partied hard
we partied so hard we partied twelve times too long
and what normally would have been over and done with in 24 hours
lasted ALMOST TWO WEEKS
twelve days to be exact
and the whole time this chick just kept giving me presents
and these presents
well okay, first of all they were all like totally useless
and second of all
as the party progressed
and we all ingested a more and more startling melange of chemicals
these gifts underwent a thoroughly unreasonable GEOMETRIC PROGRESSION

so day 1 I got a tree
actually technically I did not get the tree
the tree came with the bird this chick got for me
a partridge, to be exact
and the tree had pears in it, which was pretty cool
we were all mega hungry by that point
so we chowed down on some pears and all was good

day two
more birds
not only did she give me another partridge
and another tree
she also gave me two bizarre genetic reptile-bird hybrids
called turtle-doves
they were sort of cute in an eldritch horror sort of way

DAY THREE
EVEN MORE BIRDS
so now I have three partridges
four reptile-pigeons
plus three obnoxious french chickens
all smoking their french chicken cigarettes
making snide comments about the interior decorating
everyone at the party was baffled
where was she getting all these birds, we asked
why did she think I liked birds
would it be cool if we killed and ate some of them
she did not answer our questions
nothing could stop her wild quest for birds
and that is why
on day four
I wake up to find myself the proud owner
of TWENTY WINGED CREATURES
AND FOUR PEAR TREES
GUYS
I AM NOT A BIG FAN OF TREES
I ACTUALLY REALLY HATE BIRDS
THEY ARE NATURE’S SOCIOPATHS
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO EXPLAIN ETHICS TO A PARROT
IT JUST STARES AT YOU WITH COLD LIFELESS EYES
WONDERING WHAT THE INSIDES OF YOUR BONES TASTE LIKE
at this point I have declared open season on these winged disasters
but no one at my party knows how to kill birds
and even less of the guests know what to do with a dead bird
plus they shut off my gas
cause i kept lighting it on fire just for laffs
and anyway it doesn’t even mater
because
SPOILER ALERT
THIS PSYCHOPATH LOVER OF MINE IS GOING TO GIVE ME AT LEAST TEN BIRDS
EVERY DAY
FOR THE NEXT EIGHT DAYS

so on day five I wake up in a cold sweat
I remove my sleep mask
crusted white with the shit of four different species of bird
and am STUNNED to discover that one of my hands
IS ENTIRELY DECKED OUT IN SWEET GOLD RINGS
I don’t know what prompted this sudden shift
from birds to treasure
but I am totally okay with it
I try to find the girl responsible
to thank her for the rings and maybe ask her to lay off on the birds
but she is nowhere to be found
because she is out pounding the pavement
searching for MORE BIRDS TO GIVE ME

SERIOUSLY
DAY SIX
SIX GEESE A-LAYING
so not only do I have to deal with these endless birds
I have to deal with their CHILDREN?
but it’s not all bad
because now I have rings for my other hand too
I look like a pimp, it’s amazing

BUT NOT SO AMAZING THAT DAY SEVEN CAN’T RUIN IT ALL
because on top of six more geese
and four more sparrows tweeting their asses off
and three more hens
and two more snakefinches
and another tree and another partridge
I am now the proud papa of SEVEN SWIMMING SWANS
this chick has plugged up my bathtub
my sink and my washing machine
all of them have become filthy sceptic swan playgrounds
and swans are fucking mean guys
they hiss and they bite
I cannot take a shower
I cannot wash my clothes or my dishes
which is getting to be a problem because remember
we have been partying for a solid week at this point
shit would be getting pretty crusty
even if it wasn’t completely blanketed in a thick layer of birdshit
plus with a total of fifteen rings on my fingers
it is getting hard to use my hands

DAY EIGHT
Oh thank god
Strippers
wait, these aren’t strippers
these are milkmaids
with muscley hands and a strong work ethic
AND THEY’VE BROUGHT THEIR COWS WITH THEM
OH GREAT
PUT YOUR COWS RIGHT THERE IN THE LIVING ROOM, LADIES
THEY WILL BE RIGHT AT HOME NEXT TO ALL THE HENS AND WHATEVER
but at least they’re keeping the party from being a total sausagefest
all the other ladies left around the fifth day of ceaseless bird poop
plus I couldn’t stop the milkmaids if I wanted to
my hands are now officially useless with all these rings on them
I look awesome though

DAY NINE
I will admit that it is nice
that after eight days of birdshit and farmwork
my mysterious lover has finally seen fit
to bring some legitimate dancing ladies up in here
BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO PUT THEM, HUH?
I HAVE SIXTEEN MILKMAIDS NOW
I COULD START A BUSINESS
OVID NASO’S BIRDSHIT AND MILK EMPORIUM
EXCEPT MY HANDS DON’T WORK AND I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK

DAY TEN
OKAY WHAT THE FUCK
WHERE DO YOU GO TO JUST BUY TEN BRITISH LORDS
AND WHY ARE THEY LEAPING
WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT
THE WATER IS UNIFORMLY SATURATED WITH SWAN POOP
THE DANCING LADIES ARE TOO BUSY DANCING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME
THE WHOLE LIVING ROOM IS A SOLID GREEN CLOUD OF COW METHANE
ALL THE GUESTS HAVE GONE
THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THEM IN MY BIRD-FILLED NIGHTMARE HOUSE

Day eleven
okay
i don’t even
she hired a troupe of flautists
i think they’re from the symphony
they are clustered on the back steps
gently serenading the swarm of birds perched in the pear trees
it is all very idyllic and i think my eyes are bleeding

Day twelve
Alright lady, the party’s over
I was cool when you got me a hundred and eighty-four birds
I was cool when you immobilized my hands with forty gold rings
I was cool when you forced me to host thirty-two cows and their maids
I was even cool when you forced me to host thirty british lords
all of whom are CLEARLY inbred, by the way
What I am not cool with
is that on top of the flautists and the drumline
and the snide hens and the dancers who won’t put out
is that those pear trees you got me
all twelve of them
are an INVASIVE FUCKING SPECIES
their roots are tearing up my foundation
and any day now my house is going to sink into the earth
taking this godforsaken farm circus with it
and good riddance
to you, and to it
i mean SHIT

…best christmas ever.

So the moral of the story
is you can certainly have too much of a good thing
but that is not unique to good things
you can also have way too many misbehaving animals
and musicians and royalty
and honestly
that is worse

THE END.

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13 thoughts on “It is less than twelve days til the twelve days of Christmas

  1. Entries like these are why I have problems believing this site is real and not the results of my final addled mind. Also help, I cannot breathe.

  2. I always laugh so hard at your retellings and I love your website! I never understood why the f*** someone would give so many stupid ass presents for Christmas, just give money and be done with it!
    I also have an idea for a book you could do. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley would be so funny retold! Just beware the beginning is way better than the ending!

  3. The song is actually about food, even the five golden rings (ring necked pheasant) and the people who are about to chow down on it

    There is some speculation that the birds can also be formed into some turducken monstrosity because they go in order from smallest to largest.

  4. or Christmas with Overly Enthusiastic Girlfriend
    next on the list
    New Year’s Party! Overly Enthusiastic Ex-Girlfriend Blacklisted

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