It’s been a while since I talked about booze

Okay so I’m taking a bartending class right now
and today I learned the origin story
of JAGERMEISTER
which if you are not familiar with it
is basically the closest you can get to shitting into your own mouth
actually it’s not that bad
i just really wanted to say that
it actually tastes like if liquorice developed a drinking problem

but ANYWAY
there’s this guy named Hubert right
he’s born in some french city with a really german name
he’s a duke or something
oh wait no he’s just the heir to the dukethrone
god is there a way to say dukethrone that doesn’t make it sound like a toilet?
also his grandfather’s name is Chairbert

so there’s not really a lot to do when you are mega rich in medieval europe
you kind of just have two options
you can have sex
or you can kill people
and while having sex could potentially supply you with an endless chain of babies
(which you could then kill
thus killing two birds with one stone
or i guess two babies with one sword
actually you could just kill as many babies as you want with a sword
unless they were kung fu babies
but even then my money’s on the sword)
SOME PEOPLE like to keep it simple
and Hubert is one of them
he is all about hunting
just killing animals
maybe taking their horns
not givin’ a FUCK about anything at all
until one day
good Friday to be specific
he’s nancing around the forest chasing this big white deer
and suddenly it stops and turns around
and there’s this HUGE GOLD CROSS JUST FLOATING BETWEEN ITS ANTLERS
and Hubert’s all like AAAAAAAA FUCK A FLOATING CROSS
and the deer is all HUBERT YOU BETTER STOP HUNTING ALL THE TIME
and Hubert is like OKAY CRAZY TALKING JESUS DEER
and then he becomes a priest
the deer actually tells him to go seek out some specific dude
who trains him to be a priest
but whatever
that guy dies like right now anyway
cause yeah Hubert goes on a pilgrimage to Rome
and while he’s there his trainer dude gets assassinated
and the pope hears about it via Catholic Telepathy
and he’s like HUBERT YOU ARE THE NEW BISHOP OF WHEREVER YOU’RE FROM
and then Hubert starts getting called the Apostle of something or other
and he gets sainted and shit

see I like the catholic thought process
not gonna lie
catholics in the middle ages were all like man
this jesus shit is gonna get old QUICK
better come up with some new jesuses
but they can’t be as jesusy as jesus because that would undermine EVERYTHING
so let’s make a bunch of bite sized mini jesii and call it a day
AND IT WORKS
that shit is SO ENTERTAINING
oh fairytale kick is officially over by the way

so anyway hubert gets home and he decides to fuck up all the pagans
who happen to live in the woods he used to hunt in
so i guess he uses his hunting powers FOR JESUS
also he cures a case of rabies
although the myth doesn’t say who or what he cured
could have been a rabid guy
or it could have just been a squirrel or something
no way to know
and then one day he’s on his way to dedicate a church
and god is all HEY HUBERT YOU’RE GONNA DIE
and Hubert is like MAKE ME
and god was like THAT’S WHAT I WAS PLANNING ON DOING BUDDY
so then Hubert dies

and then later someone invents Jagermeister!
it’s got like
the hunter’s prayer on it in german
and the hunter’s badge is on the cap
and there’s a picture of that fucked up deer on the front
because Hubert is the patron saint of hunters
which I don’t really get
because how do you become the patron saint of something
when you gave it up in order to become a fucking saint?
whatever

i guess the moral of the story
is if you are hunting
and deers start turning into jesus and talking to you
it is time to find a new hobby because you are hunting wrong

THE END.

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5 thoughts on “It’s been a while since I talked about booze

  1. I always wondered what the plural of Jesus would be. Jesii is my new fave word. I'm done learning for the day. Time to go get drunk!

    (But not on Jagermeister. I don't like feeling like a rope of licorice just jizzed in my mouth. Yuck)

  2. You may know this (and so may everybody else, I don't really know), but Jägermeister means 'hunting master' or 'master hunter' or whatever in German.

  3. I was kind of hoping this was going to be about how, in America, Jägermeister was exclusively for old-timey German immigrants who longed for the good ol' days of mining wheat or whatever old-timey German immigrants did, and then suddenly WHABAM in 1985 students at Louisiana State University decide it's ironic-cool to suffer while you are drinking your shots, and that's how Jägermeister became a household name.

    works cited: http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/bizfinance/biz/features/10816/

  4. Sainthood is often granted to test if you *really* have the patience of a saint. “How did you get to be the patron saint of archers?” “I was SHOT TO DEATH with ARROWS.” “That’s nothing. I was made patron saint of cooks because I was FORCED TO STAND ON A HEATED IRON PLATE.”

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