It’s Not As If We Didn’t Know Trolls Were Idiots

I think someone asked me for a troll myth a while ago
and meanwhile, sexy story sage Scheherezade Soulburger
spun me this excellent tale which I will now share with you
it is about woodland conservation

So there’s this family
it is a dad and three sons
and the dad is horribly in debt
these fairytale dudes seem to always be in debt
it’s gotta be either heroin or gambling
or both
but anyway the dad is in some way recklessly irresponsible
and he figures the only way for him to fix his terrible mistake
is to force his eldest son to go out and plunder the surrounding forest for wood
so his eldest son goes out
and he starts murdering a tree
and suddenly a troll pops out like DUDE WHAT THE FUCK
TREES ARE OUR BROTHERS MAN
DO I HAVE TO CHAIN MYSELF TO EVERY TREE IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN FOREST?
NOT COOL MAN
I’M GONNA HAVE TO GET SERIOUSLY NONVIOLENT ON YOUR ASS
but of course all of this is in troll language
so what it sounds like is MURDER BLARR DEATH DEATH KILL BLARR TITS
and so the eldest son is like FUCK THIS I’M TOO PRETTY FOR SKULLFUCKING
and he drops his ass and treks his little babypants home

so he gets home
and his dad is like WHAT HAPPENED SON?
DID SOMEONE INSTALL A FLOOR DRAIN IN YOUR TESTOSTERONE GLAND
LEAKING PURE COURAGE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BOWELS
WHERE IT WAS CONVENIENTLY EJECTED
WHEN YOU SHAT YOURSELF IN TERROR
OVER A WUSSY-ASS TROLL?
KID, BACK IN MY DAY WE’D SEE A TROLL
AND WE’D BE LIKE HEY GRANDMA WHAT’S SAGGIN’?
AND IF THAT TROLL RIPPED US IN HALF WITH HIS BARE HANDS FOR OUR IMPERTINENCE
WHY,
WE WOULD KNIT OUR FLESH BACK TOGETHER LIKE THAT COP ROBOT FROM TERMINATOR 2
AND THEN LANCE THROUGH HIM WITH KNIFE ARMS
YOU HEAR ME SON?
KNIIIIIFE ARRRRRMMMMSSSS

and then he turns to his second son and he’s like hey kid
go into the woods and fix papa’s bad decisions okay?
and the second son is like sure pops no problem
and the next day he goes into the woods to fuck up some trees

but no sooner has he taken swing one at this fucking tree
than the troll shows up again like MY FRIEND PERHAPS I DID NOT MAKE MYSELF CLEAR
ALL LIVING CREATURES ARE PART OF A DELICATE WEB OF LIFE
WE MUST STRIVE TOGETHER TO PRESERVE THE MAGIC OF MOTHER NATURE
DON’T YOU REALIZE
EVERYTHING WE DO TO THE EARTH
WE DO TO OURSELVES?????
which in troll language sounds like BALLS BALLS I WANNA SHIT IN YOUR RIBCAGE
so the second dude pisses all over himself and sprints home
and of course his dad is waiting for him at home
and he’s like WASSAMATTER PUSSNEXUS O’MAMMARIES?
CAT GOT YOUR BALLS?
LIKE
DID A CAT ACTUALLY SNEAK INTO YOUR PANTS AND PURLOIN YOUR TESTICLES
SECRETING THEM AWAY IN A HIDDEN DIMENSION WHICH ONLY CATS CAN ACCESS
SO THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE A LEGITIMATE MEDICAL EXCUSE
FOR YOUR CHRONIC FAILURE
TO MAN
THE FUCK
UP?
DIDN’T THINK SO.
HOLY DAMNBOTS WHY DOES MY FAMILY SUCK SO BAD?
at which point is YOUNGEST son
(whose name is Askeladden
which means Ash lad
so apparently this is the origin story of the dude from Pokemon)
is like hey dad let me try how about?
and his dad is like HAHA FUCK THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN GROW A MUSTACHE
and his son is like who needs a mustache when I have BALLS OF STEEL
and he goes into the woods armed only with an axe, a backpack, and some gross cheese.

so he gets into the woods and he starts chopping a tree
and the troll shows up like MURDER MURDER KICKFLIP FACEPUNCH
and the kid runs over to his backpack
pulls out his cheese
and starts squeezing the gross cheesewater out of it
like BACK OFF TROLL
OR I WILL SQUEEZE THE PISS OUT OF YOU LIKE I SQUEEZE THE PISS OUT OF THIS ROCK
and the troll is like HOLY SHIT DUDE CHILL OUT I SURRENDER
and thankfully that phrase sounds the same in both troll and people language
so the troll proceeds to stand idly by while the kid fucking mauls his precious woods
and then when it gets dark he’s like hey man
your house is pretty far away
wanna just come chill in my troll cave?
I try to be a gracious host
you know
when i am dealing with people who could demolish my chest with their bare hands
and the kid is like sure why not

so they go back to the troll’s place
and the troll is like hey dude help me make dinner
go put that MASSIVE IRON POT ON THE FIRE
and the kid is like nah man that’s baby shit
I’ll just go grab the WHOLE DAMN WELL
and the troll is like NO NO DUDE DON’T FUCK UP MY WELL
HOW ABOUT I JUST DEAL WITH THE WATER AND YOU CAN LIGHT THE FIRE
and the kid is like sure
I GUESS
so they start making this huge pot of porridge
and then the kid is like hey
you know what?
I bet I could beat you at an eating contest
and the troll is like SEZ YOU
YOU’RE ON
but see the kid has hidden his leather backpack inside his shirt
so when he appears to be shoveling porridge into his fat face
he is really stuffing it into his backpack
and when it gets full
he slits open the backpack and lets porridge dribble out
and the troll is like OK MAN I CAN’T EAT ANYMORE
and the kid is like relax dude
you can totally eat more
just slit open your stomach like I did
you can eat INFINITE PORRIDGE THAT WAY
and the troll is like What?
That sounds really dumb
and the kid is like Dude did you not just watch me do it?
and the troll is like DURR OK
and slits open his own stomach
and dies
and then the kid loots his massive gold stash
and lives happily ever after with his heroin addicted father

so the moral of the story
is all environmentalists are secretly wealthy
and you should have no qualms about using deceit to murder them
and then taking their gold

the end.

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3 thoughts on “It’s Not As If We Didn’t Know Trolls Were Idiots

  1. Nice work.

    Interesting to see the same tale types as in stories I am more familiar with — "Jack the Giant Killer" and "The Brave Little Tailor".

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