It’s your birthday! Let’s talk about murder and slavery.

fuck it I might as well just post it
i posted it several hours ago by accident anyway
and it’s like 10AM in sweden so LET’S DO THIS
BONUS POST GUYS

cause guess what
right now
somewhere in sweden
a dude named Isak is turning FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
IT IS THE YEAR FORETOLD IN PROPHECY
AND BECAUSE OF THIS IT IS TIME FOR MORE NORSE MYTH

I actually had some trouble picking a myth for this
because see in norse mythology
pretty much the only time anyone important gets born
is right at the fucking beginning
and then later when loki fucks Angrbothe
and she poops out a wolf and the world serpent and HELL
and then that other time when loki fucks a horse
and gives birth to a mutant horse
and I’ve already DONE all of those
so this is the closest I could get to some birth related shit:

alright so Thor

he is a dude who is romping and stomping pretty much 26 hours out of every 24
so WHERE DOES HE FIND TIME TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE?
ANSWER:
he doesn’t
he just murders the goats that pull his chariot
eats them
then IMMEDIATELY RESURRECTS THEM WITH MJOLNIR
so they are getting born like SEVERAL TIMES A DAY
THAT IS SO MANY BIRTHDAYS MY FRIENDS
oh yeah
forgot to tell you guys
Mjolnir can resurrect shit now?
also i guess put the meat back on bodies?
because i mean i can’t imagine it would be very humane
to just keep resurrecting goats
into an endless hell of fleshless torment
then again thor isn’t very humane
but he DOES like meat
so same difference
REMEMBER GUYS
THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING I COULD FIND TO A BIRTH MYTH
AFTER SEARCHING FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
THE KILLING-TO-BIRTH RATIO IN THIS PANTHEON
IS PRETTY FAR IN FAVOR OF THE KILLING

ANYWAY
one day thor is just tearing around the countryside
beating the shit out of mountains and showing rivers who’s boss
when he is like FUCK
i am kind of tired
better just barge into some random house and demand to sleep there
HEY GUYS WHAT’S GOOD
MIND IF I STAY IN YOUR HOUSE
PS
I CAN RIP YOU APART USING JUST TWO OF MY PREHENSILE TREE-TRUNK-SIZED PUBIC HAIRS
and the family who lives in the house is um yes
stay as long as you want

so thor gets ready to crash out
but then he thinks to himself
fuck
maybe i am kind of abusing the hospitality of my gracious hosts
in fact
pretty sure that’s exactly what i’m doing
HEY GUYS WANNA HELP ME EAT SOME GOATS?
and everyone is like WE THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they all settle down to eat them some goats
prolly thor has to resurrect the goats like 5 or 6 times
seeing as he has a track record of DEVOURING ENTIRE FEASTS BY HIMSELF
and they all just keep on eating
but what Thor did not count on
is that one of the kids in this house is a fucking moron
cause see there’s this dude Thialfi
who is like man these goats are delicious
but not as delicious as THE INSIDES OF THEIR BONES I BET
YUM
and he breaks open a bone and he sucks out the marrow
and it actually prolly tastes fairly shitty cause he only breaks one bone
and then thor goes to resurrect his goats and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ONE OF THEM HAS A BROKE-ASS LEG
and he is like THIALFIIIIII
YOU ARE MY SLAVE NOW FOREVER
and Thialfi is like bummer
and then he kind of has to follow Thor around
while Thor does stupid shit until Ragnarok

So the moral of the story is
don’t suck the marrow out of goat bones
why the fuck would you even do that?
the delicious part is the meat part
plus eating the meat part does not get you enslaved to a thunder god forever

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISAK

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4 thoughts on “It’s your birthday! Let’s talk about murder and slavery.

  1. So in eating the rest of the goats no bones are broken I guess? Also why do broken bones stay broken when you're resurrected but eaten legs don't stay eaten?

  2. And then the kid turns out to run real fast and impresses a giant, while his sister just does shit all to save the day.

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