Jason is basically worthless

Still working on that rap guys
keep your pants on
no one wants to see your grotesque hairy legs

SO!

today’s myth is brought to you by the letter a
for ARGONAUTS
which is the name
for a group of dudes
(or “NAUTS”)
who sailed on a ship called the ARGO
which was named after a dude Argus
who coincidentally made that boat
and named it after himself
because he was apparently pretty proud of it

but wait
wait
lemme fill you in on some backstory right quick
because the main character of our story
is this dude Jason
whose main claim to fame
is being popped out of he right vag
at the right time
seeing as he is the son of this king named Ioclus
who got deposed by his asshole brother Pelias
who hera has a massive problem with
because he apparently honors every single god
EXCEPT FOR HER
So apparently in Pelias-land
it is extremely important
to make sure that every god likes you
EXCEPT THE GODDESS OF REVENGE

now as we’ve seen before
hera is a pretty vindictive lady
so she sets about making sure Jason is a hero
so he can eventually kill his uncle or whatever
oh yeah and Pelias totally wants to kill Jason by the way
for exactly this reason
but Jason’s mom fools the shit out of him
by being like OH WHOOPS MY BABY DIED
I AM SO SAD
NO NEED TO FACT-CHECK MY STATEMENT
LOOK AT THESE TEARS THEY ARE THE GENUINE ARTICLE
and then later Jason lives with a centaur for a bit
and then starts doing adventure stuff

so basically the first adventure Jason has
is he is on his way to go kill his uncle
when he comes to this wicked brutal river
and there is this old lady on one side
all like please sonny will you ferry me across this here waterstreet
and jason is like sure no problem
do i get a merit badge or some shit
and the old woman is like nope you just get to almost drown
because i am secretly hera
also super heavy
also you are going to lose a sandal in the river
and Jason is like sounds great let’s do it

so Jason finally shows up to Pelias’s place
like hey dude
i hear you have something that belongs to me
it’s called my kingdom
I would like that right now please
and Pelias is like what
you don’t even have both shoes
how am I supposed to take you seriously
when you can’t even operate a pair of shoes
here come have dinner with me little dumbass

so they start boozin’ it up together
and Pelias is like so you want to be king eh
and Jason is like fuck yeah
and Pelias is like well you know
kings have to deal with all kinds of problems
can you help me solve a problem
and jason is like sure
and pelias is like okay so
there’s this guy
in my court
in fact i’m eating dinner with him right now
I wish he would go away
and then die
if you were in my position what would you do
and jason is like hmmmm
well I guess I’d send him on a suicide mission to go get the golden fleece
it is this worthless artifact
that only an idiot would agree to go after
and Pelias is like hey do you wanna go get the golden fleece for me?
and Jason is like DO I?!
YESSSSSSSSSS

so then he goes out and get that boat built and everything
and athena helps out with making the mast
such that it has a weird human voice and whispers useless secrets
so great job athena
and meanwhile Jason goes out
and assembles an all star team
of BASICALLY EVERY HERO EVER
to be on his doomboat
seriously
he’s got Hercules
and Theseus
and Orpheus
and Peleus
and Bellerophon
and Atalanta
and like a dozen others I’ll prolly add later
this right here
this could be a table of contents for my blog

anyway all these dudes
(and one dudette)
are stupidly gung ho about this death mission
because basically this is what you do when you’re a hero
time and time again you drag your naked ass into the butcher shop
and you slap your giant cock and balls down on the cutting board
and you look that butcher in the eyes
and you DARE HIM to pick up that knife
or in atalanta’s case I guess you put your tits on the cutting board?
someone else’s dick maybe?
the parallel is unclear
BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THESE GUYS ARE ON A FUCKING SUICIDE ADVENTURE

so stop number 1
is an island populated entirely by women
where they remain for several weeks
for no very clear reason
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
I know I keep coming back to Atalanta
but i kind of feel bad for her in this situation
although I guess first of all she was a dedicated virgin at this point
and second of all even if she wasn’t
she’s basically got VIP seating
on the carnival cruise of sausage
so things are working out pretty ok for her

anyway after that sexy little detour
they go to this place called Samydessus
but the king
Phineas
is not too jazzed to see them
because his castle is suffering
from an acute harpy infestation
which basically means
that every day
around mealtime
a whole bunch of ugly screaming birdwenches
swoop down from the rafters
screaming and shitting all over everything
but that’s fine
because two of the argonauts can fly for no good reason
so they chase off the harpies
and then everything is awesome again

and as thanks
phineas tells them about an upcoming booby trap
hehe booby
that is just these two massive rocks
that clap your ship to pieces
so basically like that shitty trap from every platformer ever
but in real life
in the ocean
and the solution?
chuck a bird through first
sacrifice the shit out of that fucker
and by doing this they manage to get through
and the ship is only slightly crushed

so after all this sex and bullshit
the argonauts finally get to Colchis
where the golden fleece is
but there is a problem
see there’s this king
Aeetes
who is convinced that this golden fleece belongs to him
because it is in his kingdom
and he has a dragon guarding it or whatever
so when Jason shows up like hey gimme dat fleece
the king is like sure no problem
all you gotta do for me is a couple household chores
go yoke those bulls over there
and plow my fields
and plant these seeds
by the end of today
PS the bulls breathe fire and hate you

but see luckily for Jason
Hera has strongarmed slutgoddess Aphrodite
into making one of Aeetes’ daughters
(Medea)
Fall head over junk for Jason’s butcher block bound mansausage
and what’s more
Medea happens to be a pretty sweet sorceress
so she is like hey Jason
I’ll make you an asbestos elixir if you suck my tits
and Jason is like I CAN’T LOSE

so he rubs asbestos all over his body
and the bulls cannot harm him
and he plows the field with them
and then scatters the seeds all over the place
oh wait did i say seeds
I meant DRAGON TEETH
HOW COULD HE HAVE MISTAKEN THESE FOR SEEDS
anyway whereas seeds turn into things like plants and fruit
dragon teeth turn into armies of angry warriors
bent on your destruction
so that’s an immediate problem
except not really
because Medea gives Jason some pretty sweet psychological advice
which is hey throw a rock at one of those guys
and Jason does
and he hits a dude in the head
and that dude makes the natural assumption
that one of his friends threw a rock at him
and kills his friend
which just leads to a massive bloodbath circlejerk
and the day is saved
raising the question
WHERE ARE THE OTHER ARGONAUTS
I mean come on
this is a motherfucking dream team right here
in fact
if you took a dream team
pounded them into liquid
churned that liquid into the heavy whipping cream of the crop
and spread that shit all over lady luck’s naughty bits
you would not have a more complete hero experience
than the one present on board the good ship Argo
and yet at the first sign of actual combat
the conflict is quickly reduced to an arms race
between a bunch of teeth
and a rock

so anyway Aeetes is pretty pissed about this
but he just smiles and is like
great job Jason and also my daughter
guess I have to give you the golden fleece now
(psst Medea i’m totally not going to give him the fleece
i’m just going to kill him
i can trust you with this information yes?)
at which point medea is like
(psst Jason
my dad wants to kill you
wanna go get us some golden motherfucking fleece?)
and jason is like why are we whispering
yeah let’s fucking do it

so they go to the sacred grove with the fleece in it
which is guarded by a dragon by the way
whole lotta dragons in this myth
anyway jason is like oh will you look at that
according to my sundial
it is SWORD O’CLOCK
BYAAAAAAA
but medea is like shh honey
i know you are all about swords and bad decisions
but how about you let me handle this
and then she just rubs a sleeping potion on a dragon
and jason grabs the fleece
and they get on the boat
with all the other heroes
who have probably just been getting blackout drunk this whole time
and they sail back home
and then Jason immediately dumps medea for some whore
provoking all kinds of nastiness

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need common sense or better judgement
when you have divine favor and disposable women

also I bet you are muttering to yourselves
what the fuck is a golden fleece?
well that, my friends
is a story for another time

THE END(?)

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3 thoughts on “Jason is basically worthless

  1. Pingback: Jason and the Argonauts, but BETTER | Myths RETOLD

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