Jonah Has a Right To Be Pissed

I had a dream where Hunter S. Thompson dove into the ocean
to punch a giant shark in the eye again and again
and it reminded me of this myth
enjoy:

so there’s this dude Jonah
it’s not particularly clear who he is or where he’s from
he’s just another living canvas
for God’s continuous mural of divine jack-assery
so basically Jonah is minding his own business one day
and god shows up like JONAH
JONAH
THERE’S THIS CITY I DON’T LIKE CALLED NINEVEH
GO TELL THEM THEY’RE GONNA DIE
and Jonah is like Aw hellll no
i know how this story goes
you tell me to go fuck over this town
and then my wife disobeys some arbitrary rule you set
and turns into some kind of tasty breakfast seasoning
no
fuck this
i’m going to tahiti

so Jonah hops the first ship to tahiti
probably hoping to get out of God’s jurisdiction or something
but God is not like vampires
he can cross running water
so no sooner is Jonah on the boat
then god starts stirring up a WHOPPER of a storm
and all the sailors are losing their shit
or more accurately, tossing it overboard
and meanwhile Jonah is just taking a nap belowdecks
so the captain runs down and is like DUDE, JONAH
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WHY ARE YOU NAPPING
GET UP HERE AND TELL GOD TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN OR SOMETHING

So Jonah gets up on deck
and it turns out that what everyone is doing
is rolling dice to see whose fault this is
and Jonah rolls a natural one
so everyone is like “alright dude, you gotta fix this”
and Jonah is like Oh, well that’s easy
just throw me in the water and God will chill out
he can’t get over the fact that I wouldn’t yell at some dudes for him
and the sailors are all like Welp
okay!
and then they throw him into the water and the storm stops
the end

oh wait no there’s more stuff I lied
so Jonah is in the water
and God rents this MASSIVE FISH to go eat him
but it’s not very good at eating
so it just swallows him completely intact
along with enough air for him to survive for THREE DAYS
(click here for highly plausible evidence that this actually happened
SPOILERS: it’s because jesus said it happened)
and Jonah is sitting in there like Alright God
you got me, buddy
you’re pretty great
sending giant fish after dudes and causing storms and shit
I’ll totally go tell dudes they’re going to hell or whatever
really whatever you want as long as you let me out of this whale
and god is like ALRIGHT DUDE
PREPARE TO BE WHALE VOMIT
MY MERCY IS TRULY GREAT.

So Jonah figures he can’t escape this time
and instead goes straight to Nineveh
where he tells everyone they’re gonna die for their sins
and they should stop sinning all the time
and guess what?
EVERYONE LISTENS
IMMEDIATELY
they all stop eating and start wearing shitty clothes
including the king
who literally, when he hears the news
stands up
strips naked
puts on a burlap sack
and sits down in some dirt
and god is like NICE
ALL IS FORGIVEN

and Jonah is like …What?
You trapped me in the stomach of a sea animal
for THREE DAYS
to get me to yell at a city full of dudes who were just gonna convert anyway?
What the fuck, man?
And what’s even so great about not eating and wearing shitty clothes?
Why is that a thing you like?
And god is like OK I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
JUST SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND CHILL OUT
LET ME GROW A NICE PLANT OVER YOUR HEAD TO SHELTER YOU FROM THE SUN
and Jonah’s like Well that’s sort of a nice thing to-
PSYCHE, says god, GONNA MAKE WORMS EAT THAT SHIT TO DEATH WHILE YOU SLEEP
WHO’S THE GOD, MOTHERFUCKER? WHO?
and Jonah’s like Holy shit, man, what is your problem?
and God is like U MAD BRO?
and Jonah’s like Just kill me now, seriously
and God’s like NOPE.

So the moral of the story
is if you are trying to escape god
go by train.

THE END.

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7 thoughts on “Jonah Has a Right To Be Pissed

  1. “There is always some air in the whale’s stomach, and, as long as the animal it has swallowed is still alive, digestive activity will not begin. Thus, Jonah’s experience could possibly have happened entirely with the framework of natural law.”

    LOL, thanks for making me laugh twice – about your retelling and then about the link to the undeniable evidence.

    Hint: the claim that digestive activity will not begin unless the swallowed organism is just wrong. It applies to digestion by bacteria but not the digestive juices of an animal.

  2. They really lost me at “It is much more likely, however, that the event involved a divine miracle”. If ‘divine miracle’ is your most likely explanation, you probably need to reconsider your interpretation of the real world.

  3. Pingback: Imagine You’re Receiving Oral Sex From Pinnochio And Then You Ask Him How Pretty You Are | Myths RETOLD

  4. Good one, Ovid.

    The bit about the digestive jucies would be news to all the billions of creatures whales swallow whole every single day. Stomach = Acidiy Screaming Death.

    I am a fisher of men, says the Lord, then writes a story that proves he ain’t never caught and cut up no fish, let alone men.

  5. According to this website, one possibility is that Jonah may have died in the whale’s belly and then got resurrected.

    Hmmm…

    Perhaps the people of Nineveh all repented so quickly because Jonah came to them as REANIMATED, HALF-DIGESTED CORPSE!!
    “Yes, yes, sure, we do whatever you tell us to, Zombie-Jonah, just please don’t eat our brains!!!”

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