Kaikeyi is Seriously the Only Person Who Doesn’t Like Ram

first of all guys
if you live less than four hours away from Hollywood, CA
there is still time to come see me and other rad dudes perform
it is at 8PM tonight
and the address is 4319 Melrose Ave, Hollywood CA 90004
and it’s free and there’s cake
second of all
I am going back to using all the cusses now
Saturday was a failed experiment and i apologize
no wait actually fuck you i’m not sorry
this is my website and you can eat a leprotic dick

BUT OKAY SO RAM RIGHT

he goes back to his dad’s kingdom with his dirtwife Sita
and he helps his pops rule the land for like 12 years
but then daddy Dashratha gets super senile and junk
and he’s like welp
time to appoint my successor
obviously it is Ram
everybody loves him and he is my eldest son and whatever
but OH NO
this stupid bitch of a handmaiden Manthra decides to shit all over everyone’s party
by going to her mistress Kaikeyi
who is one of Dashratha’s wives
but not the one who pooped out Ram
and being like HEY KAIKEYI
IF RAM BECOMES PRESIDENT HIS MOM IS GOING TO BE THE ULTRAMOM
AND YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK BECAUSE OF THAT
and Kaikeyi is like oh shit you’re right
better do my best to fuck everything up
this is what happens when you have three wives
it is a tradeoff though
because you also get access to six tits
a sextet of tits
also known as a sextits
not to be confused with sexitis
which i think speaks for itself

but anyway
luckily for Kaikeyi and unluckily for EVERYONE ELSE
she saved Dashratha’s life in some battle back in the day
and he was like DAMN GIRL I TOTALLY OWE YOU TWO WISHES
BECAUSE I AM SO DELIRIOUS FROM BLOOD LOSS I THINK I’M A GENIE
OR AT LEAST TWO THIRDS OF A GENIE
so Kaikeyi is like oh husband
i’m finally gonna call in those wishes you promised me back in the day
i never cashed them in before because i anticipated that i might be able to use them
to fuck you over
so here goes
WISH ONE: my son Bharat gets to be king
WISH TWO: exile Ram
okay listen you steaming twat
you solved your problem with the first wish
the second wish could have been for anything
a sex robot
a gun that shoots out parties
the moon, but with a cock
ANYTHING
and you chose to needlessly exile your stepson
or is it a stepson if he is the son of one of your husband’s simultaneous wives?
or is it like
an unson
or a cocknephew or something
modern terminology does not account for this situation
maybe i should ask some mormons?
this is not a joke i am honestly curious

but so anyway
Ram finds out he’s exiled
and he’s like welp
guess i’m gonna go be poor somewhere now
oh and by the way Kaikeyi doesn’t specify how long he’s gotta be exiled for
so for some reason he ends up getting exiled for 14 years
i guess that is the standard length for exiles
and Ram is a little awkward about explaining this to his wife Sita
like hey babe
so uh
instead of being rich and the queen
you are going to get to either hang out here and get abandoned by me
or frolic in dirt and filth for 14 years
at the end of which
who knows?
but Sita is super chill about everything
just like yeah whatever i was sick of being rich anyway
let’s go die of dysentery together
and then Laxman busts in like DID SOMEBODY SAY THREESOME
and Ram is like naw bro
no one said threesome
but you can come with us anyway if you want

so the three of them go to poortowne for a while
and meanwhile Dashratha dies of sad and old
and then Bharat comes home
oh yeah
i forgot to tell you
BHARAT WASN’T EVEN IN THE KINGDOM WHEN HIS MOM DEMANDED THAT HE BE MADE KING
HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE KING FROM WHEREVER THE FUCK HE IS
THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE CELLPHONES YET
AND FAX MACHINES ARE A WAYYYY INEFFICIENT WAY TO RUN AN EMPIRE
but anyway he gets home
and he’s like aw mom what the fuck did you do
i don’t even want to be king
Ram was supposed to be king
and now my dad is dead
great job shitting in everyone’s milk you fucking harpy
now i gotta go get Ram back and be exiled in his place
like some kind of slick indiana jones switch
but with exiled sons instead of bags of sand and priceless statues
i’m sure the law won’t notice the difference
especially since I AM CURRENTLY THE DUDE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING THE FUCKING LAWS
so he goes and finds Ram
and he’s like come be king dude
and Ram is like naw bro
gotta go ahead and stupidly adhere to a pronouncement my dad was coerced into making
i’m sure you understand
and Bharat is like no not really
but here’s what I’ll do
I will just go ahead and keep the throne warm for you until you get back
and meanwhile i will live in a fucking dirt hut as penance or whatever
and keep your sandals on the throne
to indicate that you would totally be king if you weren’t being a prick about this
so basically for fourteen years
no one is happy
but then after that I guess Ram comes back and everyone is happy

so the moral of the story
is I don’t care if your wife knocks you out from in front of a fucking TRAIN
reward her with sex
not wishes

the end.

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8 thoughts on “Kaikeyi is Seriously the Only Person Who Doesn’t Like Ram

  1. Oh jesus you think everybody lives happily ever after 14 years later? fuck you are in for some sweet surprises son. And by sweet i totally mean what the fucking shit-ish.

  2. You're funny whether or not you curse, but I definitely prefer the spicy versions. Fortunately, that's all of them.

    I know you're not taking requests, but you did say you want suggestions and since it's spring and it's making me think of it, please could you retell the story of Echo and Narcissus?

  3. Aw man, what about when Rama insists that Sita prove her virtue, and he forces her to JUMP INTO A FIRE, after she spends fourteen years in exile? That's some good shit!

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