Keep doing that and you’ll go blind

Hey guys I’m back
I noticed you did some pretty sweet myths while i was gone
call me some time Jesse
anyway awesome work
we’ll have to do it again sometime

NOW

Since you motherfuckers STOLE
at least one of the myths i was gonna do this week
You’re going to hear all about ODIN
ALL WEEK LONG
yes it is motherfucking ODIN WEEK
here on the better myths blog
so check it out

there is this guy odin right
(I’m trying this crazy paragraph idea today
let’s see where it takes us)
i think i said before how he kind of made the world and stuff
anyway he has these two birds
Hugin and Munin
they’re ravens actually
and every day they fly all over the place
and then they come back and tell Odin what’s up

but DISASTER STRIKES
because one day
instead of showing up
the ravens DON’T SHOW UP
and Odin is all
FUCK I’M PRETTY AFRAID HUGIN IS GONNA DIE
BUT I REALLY LIKE MUNIN A LOT BETTER
SO I HOPE HE COMES BACK FIRST

but the next day both of the ravens come back
only instead of telling him all the shit they saw
all they will say is
DOOM DOOM DOOM MOTHERFUCKER
GOT SOME FOREBODING SHADOWS UP IN THIS BITCH
and Odin is like
OH FUCK
FOREBODING SHADOWS
THOSE ARE THE WORST KIND OF SHADOWS
SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT SHIT
DAMN

so his wife Frigga busts in like
HUSBAND STOP YELLING
and Odin is like
I CANT STOP YELLING
THERE ARE FOREBODING SHADOWS FUCKING GOING ON ALL OVER THE PLACE
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WOMAN
DO YOU WANT ME TO BE CALM
HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO BE CALM WITH ALL THIS DOOM EVERYWHERE
and frigga is like dude chill
if bad shit’s gonna happen
bad shit’s gonna happen
tell you what
how about we go hit up these chicks called the norns
who live at the bottom of Ygdrassil
- THE TREE OF LIFE -
and look into their eyes for a bit and see the future
and then see how you feel ok?
and Odin is like okay i guess
I felt like I was really making some progress here though
you know
with the yelling

so Odin gets all his buddies together
them being Tyr
the one-armed badass swordmaster murder convention
Baldur
the most beautiful and best loved of all the gods
and Thor
who has a hammer
they all walk over to this fabulous rainbow bridge
that connects Asgard to the base of Ygdrassil
and Odin goes up to Heimdall
who is the keeper of the gate
and the watchman of Asgard
and also has the ultimate set of gold dentures
and Odin is like dude
open the gate
and heimdall is all sure ok
and he opens the gate
and Odin walks through
and Tyr walks through
and Baldur walks through
and Thor tries to walk through and Heimdall is like NOPE
NO THORS ALLOWED
and Thor
who is the god of getting real pissed real fast
is all WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ASSHOLE
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR GATE
AND YOUR BRIDGE
AND YOUR WIFE
OR LIKE
SINCE YOU DONT HAVE A WIFE
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL SOME POOR SKANK FINDS YOUR WEAKASS GOLD GRILL ALLURING
AND MARRIES YOU
AND THEN AT THE WEDDING CEREMONY
WHEN YOU ARE ALL HAVING YOUR FIRST DANCE
AND CUTTING THE CAKE AND SHIT
BUST OUT OF THE CAKE AND CLOCK YOUR NEW WIFE IN THE JAW?
WITH MY HAMMER?
BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT DEFINES ME AS A PERSON MOTHERFUCKER
IT IS MY MASSIVE FUCKING HAMMER
AND IF THERE IS A SECOND THING
IT IS MY INCREDIBLY VINDICTIVE NATURE
SO JUST THINK ABOUT THAT OK
and Heimdall is like
well
actually your hammer is kind of the problem
the weight of your hammer
combined with the weight of your
fat
fat
ass
would break the rainbow bridge
so I’m sorry dude
you’re going to have to stay home
and thor is like NO
and Heimdall is like well i mean
you can leave your hammer with me
and Thor is like NOOOOOOOOOOO
and at this point Odin and the other guys are just like
Thor
Thor
buddy
it’s not that big a deal
just chill out in asgard for a bit
we’ll be back
and thor is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Odin is like Heimdall, bro
just let him cross the bridge, yeah?
he’s gonna have one of his tantrums
and Heimdall is like i can’t
it will actually break
but he can go another way
there are these two smothering miserable cloud rivers
that follow the bridge
if he can wade through both of those, he can meet you on the other side
and Thor is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Odin and Tyr and Baldur
have to hang out and just listen to some fucking swans for a bit
and wait for thor to complete his miserable and unecessary slog
through the cloud rivers
to the base of Ygdrassil
and he finally makes it
and then Odin goes over to stare at the Norns for a bit
there are three norns
Urda, the old one
Verdandi, the hot one
and Skulda, the emo one
and in their eyes Odin can see the future
and it’s pretty fucking depressing
the myth doesn’t really say quite what he sees
but whatever it is it’s just a thousand times worse
than whatever the ravens told him
and then his wife shows up
with Sif (Thor’s wife, with the gold wig)
and Nanna (Baldur’s wife. Lucky bitch)
and she looks at the norns for a bit
and then looks real sad at Baldur
who is her son
presumably cause she saw him die in the future or some shit
who knows

so Odin turns around like
HEY WIFE OF ODIN
which is what he calls his wife apparently
and Frigga is like
YEAH HUSBAND OF FRIGGA WHATS UP?
and Odin is like IM GOING TO MIDGARD FOR A BIT
I NEED TO DRINK FROM THE WELL OF MIMIR
CAUSE IT IS FORTIFIED WITH WISDOM AND SHIT
AND ALL THESE FOREBODING SHADOWS ARE GOING WAY OVER MY HEAD
and Frigga is like COOL OK

So Odin gets rid of his spear
and all his armor
and his eagle helmet
and his eight-legged horse
and his name
and becomes VEGTAM THE WANDERER
he gets a blue cloak and a staff
and starts walking through midgard
on his way to Jotunheim
to see him some giants

pretty soon
he sees him a giant
and since he is Odin
he looks like a giant to other giants
and a regular dude to other regular dudes
so he walks up to the giant like
HEY THERE OTHER GIANT
WHO ARE YOU
and the giant is like
I AM VAFTHRUDNER
WISEST GIANT EVER
Odin has heard about this dude
and he knows that he is not bullshitting
so he is like
OH DAMN I AM IN LUCK
HEY VAFTHRUDNER
HOOK ME UP WITH SOME WISDOM
and Vafthrudner is like
OK BUT FIRST ANSWER MY RANDOM BULLSHIT TRIVIA
AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG I GET TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD
this is how they play trivial pursuit in sweden
and Odin is like ok sure

so Vafthrudner is like ALRIGHT SMART GUY
WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE RIVER BETWEEN ASGARD AND JOTUNHEIM
and Odin is like IFLING MOTHERFUCKER
so Vafthruder is like ALRIGHT ALRIGHT
BUT WHAT ARE THE NAMES OF THE HORSES DAY AND NIGHT DRIVE
and Odin is like SKINFAX AND HRIMFAX FOOL
so Vafthruder is like FINE EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
BUT WHAT IS THE NAME
OF THE PLAIN
WHERE THE LAST BATTLE WILL BE FOUGHT
and Odin is like MAN I EXPECTED SOME RIDDLES OR SOMETHING
NOT THIS STUPID POP QUIZ BULLSHIT
THE ANSWERS TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS ARE ON FUCKING WIKIPEDIA
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SPOSED TO BE WISE
IT’S CALLED THE PLANE OF VIGARD BITCH

and Vafthruder is like aww fuck
well hold on
now you gotta ask me a question
and if I can answer it, I get away clean
but if I CAN’T then you get my head
and Odin is like alright i guess
how about this one:
WHAT ARE THE LAST WORDS THAT ODIN WILL SAY TO HIS SON BALDUR
BEFORE BALDUR DIES
and Vafthruder is like JESUS CHRIST COME ON
THAT IS ENTIRELY UNFAIR
ONLY ODIN WOULD KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUE- wait a second
you’re Odin aren’t you?
you motherfucker.
alright well decapitate me I guess

but odin is like WHOA WHOA MAN
I didn’t want to decapitate you
I just wanna know how much it costs to drink from Mimir’s well
and Vafthruder is like oh damn is that all?
you could have just asked Mimir
ok well Mimir generally just charges people
THEIR RIGHT EYE
in exchange for a drink from the well of wisdom
and Odin is like really?
and Vafthruder is like yup
and Odin is like does he ever charge anything else?
and Vafthruder is like nope.

So Odin is like fuuuuuuck man
I need my right eye
for like
depth perception
and like
keeping bacteria out of my bleeding eyesocket
maybe i shouldn’t go through with this
and then he remembers that that would be super lame
and all the other gods would call him a pussy forever
so he gets his balls up
and goes to Mimir’s well
and is like hey Mimir
hook it up

Mimir looks at him and is like dude
you know how much it costs right?
and Odin is like yup
and Mimir says
cause like a lot of people show up here
all GIVE ME SOME WISDOM
and i’m always like sure
one eyeball please
and they are like NOOOOOOO WAYYYYYY
so i just wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna pussy out
I mean I know you’re not gonna
because I drink from this fucker all the time
and have ultimate wisdom
but still
for formality’s sake
you down to give me your right eye?
and Odin is like YES.

So Mimir gives him the water of knowledge first
which strikes me as an incredibly unwise move
because Odin could have just
drunk all the water
and then left
and kept both his eyes
and in fact if that water had really given him ultimate wisdom
that’s probably what he would have done

but no
he drinks the water
and he sees what he has to do to mitigate the horrible foreboding shadow
even though it can’t be stopped
because norse mythology is pretty fucking gloomy
and then he puts down the drinking horn
and he plucks out his eye
and he puts his still-warm bleeding eyeball in Mimir’s well
proving once and for all
that the norse may not have been a very smart people
or a very happy people
but no matter what

THEY WERE ALWAYS METAL

The end.

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10 thoughts on “Keep doing that and you’ll go blind

  1. BUT YOU DIDN'T. NICE ONE. Okay this is too many irrelevant comments shitting up my wonderful blog. if you want to be clever and coy at me my fake name on facebook is Tack Haberdash.

  2. Pingback: Odin Starts Acting a Little Zeusy | Myths RETOLD

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