Little Red Riding Hood is a Dumb Little Girl

hey guys
if you are not following me on twitter
then you are missing out on some pretty great Rapunzel themed rap battles
between me and THE ENTIRE INTERNET
this is not some ploy to get you to follow me on twitter
i don’t actually know what I gain by having you follow me on twitter
but you know
rap battles

ANYWAY LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

wait what the fuck is this
she’s called little red cap?
what the fuck germany
did you sneak into my childhood while i was asleep and shit all over everything?
THAT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW
TELL THE STORY OF LITTLE RED TOMBOY
AND HER MAGICAL NEWSBOY BERET?
whatever i’m just gonna call her red and you can fill in the rest

anyway so this chick has a grandmother
her grandmother lives thirty minutes away
walking
pretty sweet location
plenty of greenery
oh and also
COVERED WITH WOLVES
SERIOUSLY
SO MANY WOLVES
SOMETIMES THE WOLVES ARE SCRATCHING FOR FLEAS
BUT THEY ARE NOT FLEAS
THEY ARE JUST TINY WOLVES
WELCOME TO FAIRYTALES

so anyway little red’s mom is like hey red
take this basket full of booze to your gramma in the woods
we all know she likes to get fucked up
but remember
don’t leave the path
get there as quickly as possible
remember
SO MANY WOLVES
and red is like tsh whatever mom
VROOM

so red is going through the woods
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
HERE COMES A WOLF
all like hey little red whatever
whassup where you headed
and red is like my gramma’s house
and the wolf is like oh yeah what’s her address
maybe i can google map you a shortcut
and red is like GOOD CALL
and gives him the address
and then the wolf is like OH LOOK OVER THERE FLOWERS
and red is like HOLY SHIT SERIOUSLY?
and then proceeds to spend several hours gathering the PRETTIEST BOUQUET

CUT TO GRANDMA’S HOUSE
oh shit we cut too late
grandma is dead the wolf ate her
she let the wolf in because it did a fucking perfect imitation of little red
wait is this a wolf or is it that clown from It?
I AM CONFUSED
but anyway then red shows up
all like hello gramma i brought you your num nums
and the wolf is like YES HELLO CLIMB INTO MY MOUTH
and red is like i have a bad feeling about this
why do you have wolf ears?
and the wolf is like COSMETIC SURGERY
WOLF EARS ARE IN
and red is like ok but your eyes are pretty fucking big too
and the wolf is like oh i’m just mega stoned
you know how i do
and red is like well okay but you also seem to have a wolf mouth
and the wolf is like oh yeah well
that’s just for eating you
and red is like fuck
and then gets eaten
THE END

WAIT THAT’S NOT THE END
FUCK WHY DON’T THESE THINGS EVER END WHERE I WANT THEM TO
no so then some woodcutter shows up to fuck the shit out of gramma
cause he knows how she do
but he rolls in and there’s a fucking wolf in there
taking a post-carnage nap
and he’s like WOLF IMA FUCK YOU UP
and he’s about to kill it with a gun
when he’s like wait
that’s not needlessly cruel enough
lemme just slit open his fucking stomach
on the off chance that he doesn’t chew his food
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
APPARENTLY THIS IS NOT A WOLF BUT SOME KIND OF WEIRD SNAKE CREATURE
THAT LEAVES FULLY FORMED LIVING HUMAN BODIES IN ITS DIGESTIVE TRACT
WHAT DID I TELL YOU
THIS IS NOT SO MUCH A WOLF AS SOME KIND OF HORRIFYING MUTANT
but anyway yeah red and gramma come tumbling out
and apparently the wolf drank all the wine too because he is STILL ASLEEP
and then the woodsman fills his stomach with stones
and sews it up
and the wolf wakes up and tries to chase them
but he falls down and internally bleeds to death
which is pretty funny
until you realize how INCREDIBLY INHUMANE IT IS

but that’s not even the end
apparently a few weeks later
some other wolf decides to try the EXACT SAME THING
except this time i guess red is a little less of a fucking idiot
and instead of getting distracted while the wolf eats her grandma
she books it to grandma’s house
gets there first
warns the old battleaxe
who proceeds to bolt her door
then the wolf shows up all like IT’S MEEEE
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOOOOD
and gramma is like GET AWAY YOU FURRY GODDAMN SOCIOPATH
and the wolf is like OKAYYYYY
and then climbs on the roof to wait for red to leave so he can eat her
but grandma is a fucking wolf master at this point
she sees this move coming a mile away
this wolf is playing checkers and gramma is playing motherfucking HYPERCHESS
she boils some sausages
and then she takes the sausage water and she’s like hey red pour this shit in a trough in front of the house
and red does
and then the wolf is like OH MAN I SMELL MEAT
and dives headfirst into the water and drowns and boils and everything
and then i guess they get to eat the wolf

so the moral of the story is
wolves are not that dangerous
not even shapeshifting superwolves
just as long as you possess rudimentary surgical skills
meat water
or AN OUNCE OF FUCKING COMMON SENSE

the end.

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9 thoughts on “Little Red Riding Hood is a Dumb Little Girl

  1. In Italian instead of good luck they say "in boca al'lupo" — in the mouth of the wolf. And then the other person says "Ammazzo il lupo" — kill the wolf. Clearly this is because all Italians are descended from little red riding hood and her murderous ways. Or Italians are just metal as fuck.

  2. so much better then that movie that just came out, although her trailing red cloak was pretty badass.

  3. Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother's house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat… she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.
    One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says "Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself? You know if the wolf catches you, he will rip your clothes off and fondle your breasts."
    Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says, "No he won't. See? I have a gun to protect myself." She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother's house.
    Little Red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket, then thinks to himself for a second and says, "What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the wolf catches you alone in the forest, he's going to rip your clothes off and fondle your breasts."
    Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, "No he won't, I have a big gun in my basket. See? Nothing can harm me." Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother's house.
    Little Red finally makes it to grandmother's house and knocks on the door. No one answers, so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the wolf and screams as the wolf yells, "Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your breasts!"
    The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles, pulls out her gun and yells, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like the book says!"

  4. Oh man, this was a great myth. I just read up on Paul Revere, tho, because of this Sarah Palin fiasco, and now I'd like to see you retell Paul Revere's ride. But you have to include Dawes and Prescott, because Dawes falls off his horse like Chris Farley, and Prescott joins them on his way back from bangin' some sweet colonial ass like a boss.

  5. I prefer the version featured in the anime Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade. It features some pretty stark differences, that really make this story way darker and horrifying.

    First off, Red's mom decides that she's going to give her daughter a set of metal clothes, and that she's going to chill in a cabin until the clothes have been completely worn out. This forces Red to rub her metal clothes on all the walls of her house until they eventually fall apart.

    Red's so excited that she decides to go visit her mom and tell her the good news that she's escaped her mom's metal clothes that were forced on her for no god damned reason, so she bakes up some bread and cakes and wanders off into the woods.

    On her way to her mom's cabin, she meets the wolf, who asks for some her grub. After being refused, the wolf asks Red if she'll be travelling to her mom's cabin via the Road of Pins or the Road of Needles. Red replies Pins, and the wolf races down the Needles, get's to the cabin and eats most of Red's mom.

    A short while later, Red finally gets to the cabin, wherein the usual Little Red Riding Hood shit goes down, with some horrifying twists. Red gets into the cabin and is hungry from the walk. The wolf in the bed tells Red that there is meat in the cupboard, and she should eat it. Then some cat comes in to tell Red that it's the flesh of her mom, and that the wolf ate her and is lying in her bed.The wolf totally poo-poos this all like "that cat is totally lying. Throw that random stick at it." So Red does and the cat runs away, and Red chows down on her mom-meat.

    Then Red gets thirsty and the wolf tells her to drink the wine on top of the fireplace, at which point a bird flies in and says "Uhh, that wine is totally your mom's blood, and that's still a wolf in your mom's bed. How stupid are you?" But the wolf tells Red to throw her cloak at it, and it flies away, and she drink's all of her mom's blood.

    Red then gets sleepy after all that horrifying cannibalism, so the wolf tells her to strip off her clothes and get in bed with her, which since she is the stupidest, most gullible person on the face of the planet, she does. Thus follows all the usual "what big eyes you have!" bullshit. And then the story ends with these two actual lines; 'And at that, the wolf pounced upon the girl and devoured her, rending apart her flesh and bone, eating her alive, ignoring her screams.

    And thus, the wolf ate the girl, sating its hunger.'

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  7. It always puzzled me that for English-speaking people, the guy who saves Little Red and Granny is apparently always a woodcutter, while in whenever I read the story in German, he is stated to be a hunter… (Well, both have “your main workspace are the woods” in their job description, so that are not TOO dissimilar occupations. But I think the hunter makes more sense, being a professional at killing woodland critters and all.)

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