Macbeth is a Pussy

Sup guys

today I am going to tell you a story about a guy
who sucks so bad you aren’t even allowed to say his name in theaters anymore
his name is
MACBETH

okay so Macbeth is actually pretty legit at the beginning
he is out on all the battlefields stomping faces
some dudes are standing by the battlefields like WHOA
DID YOU SEE ALL THOSE FACES MACBETH JUST STOMPED
SO MANY FACES
and then the battle is over and apparently this one Thane
which is like scottish for “super important dude”
was totally a little traitor bitch so they had to execute him
and since Macbeth stomped so many faces he gets to be the new Thane
he’s already a thane actually but now he gets to be TWO THANES

so meanwhile cut to macbeth
he doesn’t know about that shit yet
and he’s just strolling through all the faces he just stomped
along with his best bro banquo
and all of a sudden the two of them run up on some WITCHES
and they’re like WHOA
WITCHES
WHY YOU LADIES SO UGLY?
DO YOU REALIZE
YOU HAVE BEARDS?!
and the witches are like bro we have better things to do than worry about shaving
congrats on your new promotion by the way
and Macbeth is like uh what promotion
and the witches are like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
WE HAVE PROPHECIES
PROPHECY NUMBER ONE:
MACBETH
YOU ARE GOING TO BE KING
PROPHECY NUMBER TWO:
BANQUO
YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO MURDERED DUDE
BUT YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA BE KING SO THAT’S OKAY KIND OF?
and Macbeth is like whoa
Banquo
looks like you got the short end of the murderstick buddy
hope this doesn’t cause any bad blood between us
and Banquo is like I am 100% sure that it will not
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
then some dudes show up and tell Macbeth that he is now TWO THANES
and his mind is TOTALLY BLOWN

so pretty much the first thing Macbeth does
is he writes a letter to his wife
whose name is Lady Macbeth
which begs the question
if you name is Macbeth
why would you marry someone named Lady Macbeth
that seems like you are just ASKING for incest at that point
but anyway he writes her this letter about all the stuff with the witches
and Lady Macbeth gets it and she’s like WHOA
DUDES I AM TOTALLY GONNA BE A QUEEN UP IN HERE
BUT WAIT
my husband is ambitious and everything
but he’s WAYYYY too much of a pussy to do any serious kingmurdering
which is how I figure this whole prophecy thing is gonna get done
so okay
I’m just gonna grit my teeth
and pop a squat
and try to grow as many balls as I can before my husband gets home

so Macbeth gets home and Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND WE MUST MURDER THE KING
and Macbeth is like whoa
whoa
where did all these balls come from
i am seriously about to trip on them this is unpleasant
and Lady Macbeth is like NO TIME FOR THAT
INVITE KING DUNCAN OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR A SWEET PARTY
LEAVE THE MURDER PLANS TO ME
I HAVE SO MANY BALLS THEY ARE WORKING IN PARALLEL THEY ARE PLANNING SO MANY MURDERS
so Macbeth is pretty nervous about this
but he says ok
and he invites Duncan over to his place
Duncan, by the way, is not only the king
he is also related to macbeth
also since Macbeth has invited him over
he is also a guest in macbeth’s home
and normally you don’t stab your guests to death
it is just kind of not polite
so that’s three very good reasons for Macbeth NOT to murder this guy
not to mention the fact that Duncan has just made SOME OTHER DUDE his heir
some dude named Malcolm
who i think is his son?
So I’m not even sure what Macbeth expects to gain from this murder
like
is the plan to just keep murdering kings until they run out of kings
and they have to use Macbeth?
AND ON TOP OF THAT
didn’t the witches just hand him down a prophecy
that told him he was gonna become king?
like isn’t that a thing from the future that is totally guaranteed to happen?
why does he even need to murder anyone?
why doesn’t he just chill out and take a nap
and have someone wake him up when the prophecy is fulfilled?
This is like if someone prophesied that you were gonna get fifty bucks
and your response was to go outside and immediately murder someone for their wallet
or actually more like
if someone made a date with you for thursday night
but it was monday night
so you just murdered everyone else they knew
until they had no choice but to go on a date with you immediately
which is actually my dating strategy now that I think about it

but there is one simple all-consuming reason for macbeth to go through with it
which is that if he doesn’t
his wife will totally call him a pussy FOREVER
so obviously that trumps everything else
and then true to her word
Lady Macbeth comes up with a pretty okay plan
basically the plan is
Macbeth stabs Duncan in his sleep
then Lady Macbeth passes out bloody knives to all of Duncan’s sleeping guards
and then they tell everyone the guards did it
and apparently suffer from narcolepsy?
but there is sort of a hitch in the plan
which is that no sooner has Macbeth done the murder part
then these two dudes Macduff and Lennox show up at the castle
they get let in by this doorman who is just SHITFACED
seriously this dude fell off the wagon so hard he is drinking with the mole-men
waddling up to the door talking to scottish noblemen about piss and sex
it’s great
it’s the only great thing that happens to anyone in this play
but so yeah Macbeth has to go deal with Macduff and Lennox
he’s like HEY GUYS
THE KING IS SLEEPING
DON’T BELIEVE ME?
HERE LET ME SHOW YOU HIS-ohhhh snap
looks like the king got stabbed by his retainers
who then fell asleep just outside of his room
because you know
murdering is pretty tiring
I mean
so I’ve heard
LET ME JUST MURDER ALL THESE CLEARLY GUILTY GUARDS BEFORE THEY CAN WAKE UP
AND TELL ANY LIES ABOUT HOW IT WAS ME THAT DID THE STABBING OR SOMETHING
and then afterwards he feels really bad about this
because he just murdered like a dozen innocent people
but his wife is like dude chill out
just wash the blood off your hands and BAM
PROBLEM SOLVED

wait no
no no no
not problem solved
no problems are ever solved in this play
they just affix problems together using a thick mortar of MORE PROBLEMS
see, the murders do not stop with Duncan
no no no
cause right after those murders
Malcolm flips his shit and decides to run away to England
and Macbeth actually does become king by some crazy coincidence
and he just wastes absolutely no time at all
in becoming crazy paranoid about his best bro Banquo
who you may remember was prophesied to get totally murdered
and I GUESS MACBETH IS JUST GOING TO MANUALLY FULFILL ALL THE PROPHECIES NOW
jeeze
this guy has no finesse at all
but you know what they say
when the only tool you have is a hammer
everybody starts to look like a problem

so Macbeth hires some dudes to murder banquo
and they do murder banquo
but they don’t murder banquo’s son
who is prophesied to be king
and who we will never hear from again for the rest of the play
because Shakespeare is totally setting shit up for MACBETH 2:
THE SCOTTISH SLAY

but anyway yeah then Macbeth immediately goes to dinner
and I guess he forgot to cancel Banquo’s invitation to the dinner
because Banquo is TOTALLY SITTING IN MACBETH’S SEAT
talk about rude
actually it’s fine
it’s just Banquo’s ghost
Macbeth could totally just sit inside of him and no one would care
but instead he just stands in the middle of the dining room
screaming at a ghost no one else can see
and Lady Macbeth is like haha guys don’t worry about my husband
he is just under a lot of stress from all the murders he hasn’t committed
he’s been sooooooo busy not committing murders
and we’re scottish
so that’s like
hard
(PSST MACBETH CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS)
but Macbeth’s tits will not be calmed
he just goes right on screaming at that ghost
until everyone gets uncomfortable and leaves
and then Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND
WHY MUST YOU RUIN ALL MY DINNER PARTIES WITH YOUR GUILT-INDUCED SCHIZOPHRENIA?

okay what the fuck is Lady Macbeth’s problem
we have already established that these murders are totally unnecessary
and plus there are a ton of really great reasons for not doing them
and yet this woman is basically riding her husband bareback
spurring him onwards towards basically every murder it is possible to commit
did she at some point wake up
and decide that the world was suffering from a deficit of terrible people?
does she just have a swollen bitch gland?
is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?
all are plausible explanations
but none can say for sure

oh yeah and also apparently Macbeth is a TERRIBLE king
like supernaturally terrible
like so terrible that Scotland is plunged into eternal night
and the horses are all eating each other
which up until this point I thought was pretty regular for scotland
but everybody is pretty pissed about it so I dunno
and meanwhile Macbeth is pretty miserable
and his wife’s brain is slowly melting
and honestly at this point I have no idea why this guy wanted to be a king
it’s not like he’s bathing in a molten pool of gold and whores or anything
he is pretty much just wandering through a labyrinth of medieval horror
finding more and more efficient ways to hate himself

but so in order to quell his crippling paranoia
he goes and hits up those witches from earlier
because, you know
everything they’ve said so far has turned out SO GREAT
and the witches are like oh dude, don’t even worry
here
let us summon this bloodsoaked baby to tell you about how invincible you are
and the baby is like sup dude
you cannot be killed by any man who was birthed by a woman
also:
you see that forest over there?
your castle will remain blissfully unfucked until THAT forest
runs up the hill to YOUR CASTLE
and Macbeth is like BOY
THIS IS CERTAINLY REASSURING
NOT LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME I’M UNKILLABLE OR SOMETHING
WOOOOOOOOOOO
then he goes ahead and kills Macduff’s whole family for some reason
presumably because he is nervous

meanwhile in England
Malcolm is pretty pissed about the whole murder thing that Macbeth did
plus he hears that Scotland is turning into basically the shittiest place ever
so he asks the king of england if he can borrow like ten thousand dudes
and the king of england is like sure dude
I’ve got guys ALL OVER THE PLACE down here
and then Macduff shows up
because he is ALSO pissed off about the whole murder thing
specifically the whole murdering his entire family thing
and he convinces Malcolm that he wants to help him kill Macbeth
basically by helping Malcolm insult himself a whole bunch
and then the two of them grab all their dudes and march back to Scotland

BACK IN SCOTLAND:
Macbeth hears about this huge dudemarch
and he’s kinda pissed
but he’s also pretty sure he’s immortal
so he’s not too worried
except that usually when you are not too worried
you do not insist on putting on your armor WEEKS IN ADVANCE
then run around your house screaming at everyone about how unworried you are
so uh
maybe he is a little scared
also his wife dies
after spending several weeks sleepwalking
for the express purpose of telling ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN
about ALL THE MURDERS
SERIOUSLY?!
COME ON
LADY MACBETH
YOU CANNOT PUSSYWHIP YOUR IMPRESSIONABLE DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND INTO MURDERING EVERYONE
THEN TURN AROUND AND THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO BE ASLEEP AND CRAZY
OH WHAT
YOU FEEL GUILTY NOW?
IS THAT IT?
WOMAN
FEELING GUILTY AT THIS POINT
IS LIKE TRYING TO CHOKE A BABY WITH A CONDOM
TOO LITTLE
TOO LATE
but then yeah she’s dead so that’s fine
no one even really notices because by this point all the dudes have arrived
and also Macbeth is screaming way too loud

so Malcolm and Macduff are commanding this army
and they figure that a really great strategy for hiding their numbers
is to just uproot a whole bunch of trees from a nearby forest
and hold them in front of themselves as they march up the hill to Macbeth’s castle
which is a plan taken straight out of Looney Tunes
like
seriously guys?
you expect Macbeth to look out over his ramparts
and be like oh
no worries
I was expecting ten thousand dudes
but this is just ten thousand MOVING TREES
no see what Macbeth does
is he sees these trees
and he FLIPS THE FUCK OUT
because obviously this means his castle is about to get mega invaded
but he’s like oh well
at least I’m still unkillable, right?
RIGHT GUYS?
fuck this I’m just gonna go downstairs and stab everybody

so he does
and he’s pretty much killing all the guy ever
it is a good reminder of how cool he used to be
back at the beginning of the play when he was stomping all the faces
except now the faces he is stomping
are the faces of ALL THE GOOD GUYS
until finally Macduff rolls up on him like hey man
what’s good
I have this sword and it is really heavy
can I just leave it inside your chest for a minute
and Macbeth is like HAHA DIDN’T YOU HEAR
NO MAN OF WOMAN BORN CAN SLAY MACBETH
and Macduff is like oh
well uh
do you happen to have a hundred and eighty-thousand dollars
and seven to eight years of free time?
and Macbeth is like well I am a king and I am immortal so I would say yeah
and Macduff is like good
BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU TO MED SCHOOL BITCH
I WAS BORN VIA C-SECTION
WHICH MEANS NO WOMAN BIRTHED ME
WHICH MEANS I AM THE DUDE
WHO IS GOING TO BE CHAPERONING THIS ONE-MAN MURDERPROM
and Macbeth is like wait
doesn’t it still count as being of woman born
even if it was a C-section?
I mean
you came out of a woman, right?
that’s where you came from
wouldn’t it have made more sense for me to be killed by a woman
that seems a lot less open to interpretation
might have been a more satisfying resolution is all I’m saying
and Macduff is like dude
remember how we had to find a prepubescent boy to play your wife?
we’re all dudes living in Elizabethan England
we’re pretty sexist
and Macbeth is like okay fair point
and the Macduff kills him

so yayyyy
macbeth is dead
Malcolm gets to be king
and he pretty much can’t help but be a better king than Macbeth
literally all he has to do is have it not be eternal night
and maybe refrain from murdering ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE
and then the sequel Banquo’s son comes back
WITH A VENGEANCE

so the moral of the story
is if you are having a hard time securing that promotion at work
consider murder
it’s a great short term solution

THE END

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13 thoughts on “Macbeth is a Pussy

  1. Love it :P

    but even a woman is woman-born, so…? it's pretty much impossible to be a human and not be of woman born. Don't know where Shakespeare was going with that. I guess an non-human animal could have killed him?

  2. Well no, it specifies "any _man_ who was birthed by a woman", emphasis mine. Unless we're playing word games, a woman is not technically a man.

  3. Dude, Macbeth being all like, "No man of woman born can kill me!" and then having his throat torn out by Macduff's dog– I mean, like one of those big Scottish deerhound things, not some cairn terrier or whatever– that would be badass. But I'm guessing that Old Bill couldn't get a big, serious-looking dog that wouldn't freak out on stage and *actually* tear out somebody's throat, so we get this open debate, instead.

  4. The whole “man of woman born” had to do with birth process. Kids’s taken C section were not considered “woman born”. The kid was taken C-section… The devil is always in the details…

  5. This site. So good. At ‘is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?’ I was unable to contain my laughter and it just sort of burst out and my flatmate looked at me all sort of concerned but I am actually fine, thanks this is awesome.

    Also people who like this site may also like Hark! a vagrant by Kate Beaton http://harkavagrant.com/

  6. You know who else had a beef with this half-assed prophecies? John Ronald Reuel Tolkien! That’s why he wrote about Éowyn (a woman) killing the Witch-king of Angmar (unkillable by any man).
    Oh, and the forest storming a castle? That’s why Tolkien invented the ENTS! Yep, you heard that right: Without Shakespeare screwing up here, we would have no Ents today.

  7. Macbeth: (talking to witches) Well, considering that we may be in a tragedy and this play is quite possibly going to end with my death, I thought I should come see you again.

    Witch 1: Oh, you’re welcome anytime. (as an afterthought) You do have money, right?

    Macbeth: (impatient) Yes, yes.

    Witch 1: Oh, good. Anyway, there’s nothing to worry about.

    Macbeth: Are you sure?

    Witch 2: (looking up from stirring the mixture in the overly large cauldron) Of course we are. The magical stew showed us so.

    Macbeth: Magical stew?

    Witch 3: Yes, yes. It can show the future of everyone!

    Witch 1: I wouldn’t worry about it. You’re not gonna die.

    Macbeth: And what exactly makes you so sure of that?

    Witch 1: Come on, you’re the immortal Scottish swordsman who’s been fighting since 1536. It’s not like your gonna die now, not after all this time.

    Witch 2: Yes, yes. There can be only one!

    Macbeth: I think you’ve got me confused with someone. I’m not the Highlander.

    Witch 1: You’re not?

    Witch 3: But surely your name is MacLeod?!

    Macbeth: It’s Macbeth!!

    Witch 2: Not the cursed one, Macbeth!

    Macbeth: Yes.. Wait, no! What do you mean cursed?!

    Witch 1: Well, it matters not. You still can’t be killed.

    Macbeth: I can’t?

    Witch 1: Least ways, not by one born of woman.

    Macbeth: I can’t be killed by one… so that means I can be killed by one not born of woman!

    Witch 2: Well, it’s not like there’s anyone out there who’s not born of woman…

    Witch 2: The Magical Stew told me, so it must be true.

    Witch 3: (shaking head) We definitely need to stop putting those strange mushrooms in the stew.

    Macbeth: Ok, anyway, that means I can still be killed! Let’s see… not born of woman, not born of woman… Oh my god! I’m gonna be killed by a robot! Either that, or a virus…

    Witch 1: We meant a person.

    Macbeth: Then, then that means I’m gonna be killed by a corporation!

    Witch 1: I said a “person”!

    Macbeth : Corporations are people too!

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