Maid Marian is a Murder Machine

Many thanks to marauding mancrusher Massacre McMurderstein
for monetarily mandating this majestic myth
MMMMLETS BEGIN

Okay so i’m pretty sure you guys know about Robin Hood right?
he’s that fox from that Disney movie about thieves
his best pal is an obese bear
you remember
good

wait shit okay actually apparently robin hood is not a sweet talking animal
turns out he is just some dude?
actually not just any dude
A MOTHERFUCKING EARL
and he is not just any motherfucking earl either
he is an earl who FUCKS OVER RICH DUDES
and then gives all their cash monies to the poor
HEY ROBIN HOOD
AREN’T YOU A RICH DUDE TOO?
ISN’T THERE SOME KIND OF A CONFLICT OF INTEREST GOING ON HERE?
but we’ll get to that later

right now what is important
is Robin Hood is boning the SHIT out of this chick Maid Marian
or Maid Marion i guess depending on who you ask
but shut the fuck up no one asked you
anyway yeah Robin and Miss Marian are doing it ALL the ways
like seriously in the ballad I just read
it is like
IN EVERY PLACE
THEY KINDLY EMBRACE
which is olde-timey codespeak for THEY PROBABLY FUCKED ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER
but then Robin Hood’s wealthy hypocrisy finally catches up with him
and he actually has to run away and be poor in the woods
leaving maid marian with no dude whose booty she can call upon

so Maid Marian is chilling out in her palace like FUCK
HOW AM I GOING TO FULFILLY MY DAILY DICK QUOTA NOW
NOT COOL
so she decides to go find Robin Hood and force him to restart the boner fiesta
WITH VIOLENCE IF NECESSARY
so to that end
Marian duct tapes her duckies down and puts on a page’s uniform
jacks a sword and a bow and some arrows and some landmines from the armory
and decides to just go wander around Sherwood forest til she finds robin hood
ARMED TO THE FUCKING TEETH

so Maid Marian is running around in the forest
and so is Robin Hood actually
because that is where he FUCKING LIVES
but i mean
he’s a goddamn fugitive
do you really think he’s going to walk around the woods
wearing a sign that says HEY DUDES I AM ROBIN HOOD WHATS UP
NO YOU IDIOT
HE IS GOING TO WALK AROUND WITH A FAKE MUSTACHE AND A BALD CAP OR SOMETHING
DOING A REALLY SHITTY FRENCH ACCENT AND AGRESSIVELY HAVING NO IDEA WHO ROBIN HOOD IS
so Maid Marian is walking around pretending to be a dude
and Robin Hood is walking around pretending to be an ignorant mustachioed frenchman
and pretty soon they bump into each other
and Maid Marian is like WHOA WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
and Robin Hood is like WHO THE FUCK IS ROBIN HOOD
and Maid Marian is like NOW WE MUST FIGHT
and Robin Hood is like HIYAAAAA BITCH
so they start trying to chop off each others’ body parts
and they wound each other pretty fucking bad
until Robin Hood is like WHOA
BRO
HOLD ON
how about instead of murdering me you come join my band of thieves?
and Maid Marian is like oh fuck
you’re robin hood aren’t you?
and Robin hood is like oh shit what happened did my mustache fall off?
and Maid Marian is like TAKE ME NOW
and then they bang so hard that all the woodland creatures catch on fire

so the moral of the story
is if your man leaves you
the most intelligent course of action
is to come after him with a sword
trust me you won’t regret this

THE END

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12 thoughts on “Maid Marian is a Murder Machine

  1. Heck yeah! I always loved this set of Robin stories, where Robin is constantly getting his ass kicked but convinces people to follow him anyway, and Maid Maria/on is a stone cold *badass* who probably ripped the arms off any guy who tried to molest her without her enthusiastic consent.

    But Fox Robin is also awesome. Good Myth!

  2. "Maid Maria/on is a stone cold *badass* who probably ripped the arms off any guy who tried to molest her without her enthusiastic consent."

    FUCK RIGHT, CARAPACE.

    Also, Ovid, I adore your translations of olde-timey codespeak. I'd love to see you translate some more Middle English for us.

  3. HOW has this never happened in a film version:

    "and Maid Marian is like NOW WE MUST FIGHT
    and Robin Hood is like HIYAAAAA BITCH"

    (and also Robs with an assumed identity crisis)? Maybe the wirework would be too complicated in tights; I don't know.

    Anyway, I'm really digging your blog– awesome stuff. :D

  4. Pingback: Robin Hood: Not as Nice as You Thought | Myths RETOLD

  5. “so the moral of the story
    is if your man leaves you
    the most intelligent course of action
    is to come after him with a sword
    trust me you won’t regret this”

    Bella Swan did this and look how it turned out for her!

    BTW, your retelling of The Twilight Saga would be mucho awesome :D

  6. Pingback: Robin Hood Gets Beat Up A Lot | Myths RETOLD

  7. Please do the Twilight saga. Just do it from the movies if it’s too painful to read the book. I’m sure no one here is brave enough to read the book.

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