Medea Kind of Sucks Also

So i hope you like tragedy

because this story right here right now
is a fucking TRAGEDY
like
if you took the last myth I told
with all the child eating and incest rape and everything
and boiled it down
to a thick syrup of misery
and then stirred it into a bowl
of MORE PURE BLACK SORROW
you would get something like this

ok
so medea right
she is this chick
who this great hero jason hooks up with
while he is looking for this golden sweater or something
i’ll prolly talk about that shit on saturday
anyway what’s important right now
is he gets it
and once he has succeeded
and medea has like
killed a dragon for him and junk
he takes here to Crete and is just like
oh by the way
i’m gonna go marry this chick Glauce
have fun raising the two kids i put in you

so medea is like what
and jason is like look bitch
this chick Glauce is a fucking PRINCESS alright
as in PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS
what the fuck are you
some kind of like
barbarian witch
robot dinosaur or some shit
look here’s what i’ll do
some day
when you stop being so pissed of at me for no reason
you can come live with my new family
and like
be my mistress
yeah
that’s what i will do
i will let you have sex with me
behind my wife’s back
someday
maybe

so medea is like well that sounds like a great ideaFUCK YOUUUUUU
and she gets so fucking pissed off
that everyone around her starts fearing for her safety
and their safety
and really the safety of pretty much everything within ten miles
so the king of Crete shows up
like hey woman
calm the fuck down
or you are getting exiled
and medea is like FUCKING MAKE ME
i mean please sir
let me stay in the city just one more day
and be crazy and junk
and the king is like i’ll think about it

and then king aegeus shows up
like HEY WOMAN WHAT IS UP
I AM HAVING TROUBLE PUTTING CHILDREN IN MY WIFE
I HEARD YOU ARE SOME KIND OF BARBARIAN WITCH ROBOT DINOSAUR
CAN YOU HELP WITH THIS
and medea is like sure i can
just help me stay in crete long enough to enact murderous revenge
on my husband and children
and aegeus is like ok no problem

so then medea makes a sweet gold robe
filled with sweet gold POISON
and she is like here children
take this to Jason’s new wife as a wedding gift
i am going to sit here and pretend like i have forgiven everyone
and the children are like ok no problem mother
we love you SO MUCH
we will do anything for you
and they bring the robe to Glauce
and Glauce is like SWEET ROBE DUDES
LEMME JUST PUT IT ON OH SHIT MY BLOOD IS ON FIRE
and then the king of crete is like SHITDAMN LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT
OH NO NOW MY BLOOD IS ALSO BLOOD THAT IS ON FIRE
so medea has effectively killed 2 birds with one stone
or 2 birds with one robe i guess
one poisoned robe
and instead of birds it is nobles
but the metaphor holds

anyway then medea is like ok
that was certainly some revenge
but it was not pointlessly tragic enough
hey loving children
get over here for a second
i am going to stab you right in your childlike innocence
also your face
and the children are like ok mother we will stand here and get stabbed
cuz we love you so much
and then medea stabs them
effectively killing 2 children
with one knife
so points for efficiency
although really the script isn’t clear
whether she uses one or two knives
so for all i know i could be giving her props for nothing

anyway then everyone is dead
or at least a lot of people
and the moral of the story is
if your husband leaves you for another woman
don’t just cut off your nose to spite your face
cut off your fucking CHILDREN

the end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

5 thoughts on “Medea Kind of Sucks Also

  1. REQUEST:

    perhaps some myths about constellations and how they came to be?
    that would be cool
    because then every time we look up into the night sky we will laugh and people will think we is crazy people.

    • Wait, wasn’t Euripides a playwright? The Greeks must have had some quite awesome special effects in their theaters!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>