Men: Objectively Worse Elves

Okay so the Valar make the sun
and Melkor
oh shit I mean Morgoth
(sorry
I think I’m starting to reach critical mass with all these names
pretty soon my head is just going to explode
splattering double-Ls and apostrophes all over everything)
anyway M-guy is all bummed cause it’s not so shady anymore
so obviously the Valar press their advantage, right?
WRONG
they park their holy asses in Valinor and do exactly nothing
and meanwhile Humans are busy existing

it never really explains where any of the living races come from
with the exception of the dwarves
the dwarves are sleeping in a mountain though so who gives a fuck
as near as I can guess
humans were just hidden in a valley somewhere snoozing their asses off
and the first sunrise was their cue to end their infinite naptimes

the humans get a much less awesome reception than the elves did
the elves got to hang out with Valar
and go chill in valinor
and learn cool stuff and drink milk and honey and look at cool trees
actually when you really think about it
how long would you be happy just drinking milk and honey
i mean don’t get me wrong that stuff is good
but i think there’s a reason you can’t chug a gallon of milk without vomiting
plus one time I was trying to buy acid in golden gate park
and my conversation starter was to ask shady looking people
if they would rather eat nothing but milk and honey forever
or bread and water forever
and EVERYBODY said bread and water
granted they were all pretty high
but that seems like even more reason
look, whatever

the point is when the humans wake up they are on their own
there is no welcoming committee
no banners or fireworks
there is just
THE SUN
and they are all staring at it
because there is nobody to tell them not to
and they’re all like whoah
that looks awesome
let’s go over there

so they do
they just start wandering west
trying to walk into the sun
and on their way the most knowledgeable people they meet
are the dark elves
the ones that opted out of going to valinor back in the day
so really those guys don’t know shit either

oh and here’s the other thing
did I tell you about this before?
elves are immortal, okay
and humans ARE SO COMPLETELY NOT
what the fuck Iluvatar
you had one perfectly good race
could’ve just copy/pasted that one
why you gotta go and make shitty dying dudes
with abandonment issues and acute heliophilia?
for anyone with any doubts about whether humans suck
this
right here

so yeah the elves kinda get wind of these humans wandering around
and they give them all these nasty names
like The Second-Comers
(actually good if you interpret it wrong)
the Usurpers
(No way to spin that)
and the Heavy Handed
(which is probably where all that second coming is coming from
if you know what I mean)
meanwhile Morgoth is just goin’ nuts up in the north
but Feanor will be DAMNED if he’s gonna let Morgoth be the only one going nuts
i’ll tell you about that shit next week.

So the moral of this story
is that people are terrible
not morally terrible, necessarily
just objectively terrible

the end

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7 thoughts on “Men: Objectively Worse Elves

  1. I once explained the whole dark elf thing to a friend of mine by saying “ok sure, Legolas maybe an elven prince and all to his crew, but to Elrond and Co., he is still just some jumped-up trailer trash, basically.

  2. Perhaps after creating a race of Mary Sues, Iluvatar just wanted to try out something completely different.
    Or he had to save money while creating humans, because he already blew most of his budget out of the window for the elves. Financial constraints are a common reason for shoddy quality…

  3. India is the world’s largest producer and consumer of milk, yet neither exports nor imports milk. New Zealand, the European Union’s 27 member states, Australia, and the United States are the world’s largest exporters of milk and milk products. China and Russia are the world’s largest importers of milk and milk products.”;;.

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