MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER LESBIANS

Today’s myth comes courtesy of a book I found
in a place where the walls were all books
which I think we can all agree
is probably the best kind of place
it is about gay rights

so this chick named bear-skin woman
(which probably should have been a hint right out of the gate)
has this dream about some other chick called Double-Moon-Woman
(so named because her boobs are the size of planetary bodies)
and bearskin woman wakes up and she’s like holy shit that dream was hot
guess I’m a lesbian, huh?
so she goes into the woods and she finds herself a nice bear to settle down with
not a bear as in large hairy gay man
but a bear as in an actual goddamn grizzly bear
a ladybear, just to be clear
because I guess the same-sex dating prospects
in her small native american village
leave something to be desired

so bearskin lady and actual bear lady get along famously
that is until all bearskin lady’s dad and bros back in town hear about this
and become FURIOUS
because now their family is a total sausage fest
and the dad is like BEARS ARE FINE AND EVERYTHING
YOU KNOW
THE GREAT SPIRIT RESIDES WITHIN US ALL OR WHATEVER
I JUST DON’T WANT MY DAUGHTER MARRYING ONE, OK?
so they get together a lynch mob and they show up at the bear cave

but here is something that maybe slipped everybody’s mind:
YOU DON’T LYNCH BEARS
YOU GET MAULED BY BEARS
and guess what sugarpants
looks like bear-skin woman has turned into an actual bear BECAUSE OF SNOGGING SO HARD
so these guys expected a lynching
but instead they get TWO BEARS
needless to say it is a very bad day for a lot of dudes
and the dad and bros return home pretty disappointed

and after that whole violence fiasco
the two bears send a very politely worded letter to the town
all like hey guys we don’t want to cause any trouble
we just want to be allowed to enjoy our marital bliss
(bearital bliss)
in this cave peacefully
and hey
to sweeten the pot
we will even use our magical bear powers to make your farms and shit prosper
just don’t fuck with us
remember:
we are bears

and everybody finds this pretty reasonable
EXCEPT FOR THE DAD AND THE BROS
they’re like SO WE ALLOW LESBIANS TO MARRY
GREAT
WHAT’S NEXT?
ARE WE GONNA ALLOW PEOPLE TO MARRY ANIMALS?
WAIT
FUCK
OKAY ENOUGH POLITICS
TIME FOR VIOLENCE

so they sneak up to the bear cave
and they drop a ton of prickly pears out front
which are apparently a type of fruit that is only good for injuring people
kind of like coconuts
and then they are like WOOP WOOP WE’RE OUT HERE TO MURDER YOU
and the two bears come charging out
and get all these pears in their paws
and it hurts, sure
but guys
THESE ARE FUCKING BEARS
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
DID YOU EXPECT THEM TO FALL OVER AND SCRAMBLE FRANTICALLY FOR SOME TWEEZERS?
BEARS MOTHERFUCKER
UP IN YOUR GRILL

so these dudes are seeing these two huge bears bearing down on them
and they are like oh fuck we are so pooched
when suddenly their sister shows up
because apparently they have a sister
and she shoots an arrow STRAIGHT OVER THEIR HEADS
and they’re like what the hell sis
are you playing for the other team too?
except it’s not a regular arrow
it’s a TELEPORTING ARROW
THAT TELEPORTS EVERYONE IT PASSES
so it passes over all those dudes and teleports them to a slightly farther place
but the bears are STILL AFTER THEM
and also
everywhere their feet bleed
TREES GROW
and everywhere their claws dig into the ground
LAKES APPEAR
guys
even when these dames are murdering
they STILL HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON THE ECOSYSTEM
but so yeah at least the bros have a head start now
they end up running up this huge tree
and the two bear chicks sit down under it
just waiting for these dudes to fall asleep so they can be mauled
when HERE COMES THAT RANDOM SISTER AGAIN WITH HER TELEPORTING ARROWS
she stands in the middle of the tree
and just teleports one dude after another DIRECTLY INTO THE SKY
and then instead of them getting killed by gravity
they all turn into stars
and then she rides her bow
which – oh yeah – WAS ACTUALLY THE MOON THE WHOLE TIME
and goes up into the sky with them
and makes them all her bitches
and the two bear ladies live happily for a very long time
and then when they die they also get to be stars
and they spend the rest of eternity chasing their rascally bros across the sky

so the moral of the story
is lesbians have magic powers
that allow them to change shape and terraform vast tracts of land
you can do whatever you want with this information
but my advice is don’t fuck with lesbians
unless you are a lesbian
in which case probably spend some time thinking about what animal you wanna morph into
I suggest bears

THE END.

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13 thoughts on “MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER LESBIANS

  1. I think this is your greatest myth yet.

    'Today's myth comes courtesy of a book I found
    in a place where the walls were all books
    which I think we can all agree
    is probably the best kind of place'

    As a hopeful future librarian, this has made me love you so much more than I did that one time we played D&D. THAT SHOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE.

  2. Actually, as a lesbian I found his advice very useful. I was leaning towards morphing into a seagull or some kind of duck, but now I realise that's silly. Bears all the way.

  3. Amazing survey. I've enjoyed a lot. You have to overcome the initial difficulties and teething problems in order to have safe sex.

  4. Do you see the comments on such old posts? I WILL HOPE SO. It is over a year late, but I finally got around to recording myself reading this one. Because it is perfect, and “You do not [blank] bears. You get MAULED by bears” and “Bears, motherfucker. UP IN YOUR GRILL.” have become constant refrains for me and my cousin since you posted this.

    Thank you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf6D68xR3wk

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