MONKEY KING

Okay so some guy recommended this myth to me
I forget his name
but it was probably something badass like Omar McPunchkittens
whatever
let’s talk about arrogant primates

So there’s this stone monkey
he hatched out of a stone egg
that’s normal
SO ANYWAY
this monkey becomes king of all the other monkeys
presumably because none of them want to have to try and punch him
seeing as he is made of STONE
so that’s pretty sweet
he finds them this secret cave under a waterfall and shit

BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS MONKEY
he’s like man
I’m made out of stone and I’m a king and everything
but you know what I’m NOT?
IMMORTAL
and the other monkeys are like dude
only sages and immortals and buddhas are immortal
and the monkey is like NOT A PROBLEM
IMMORTALITY AHOY

so he gets on a raft
which is a terrible dumb thing for a stone monkey to do
and then he sails for a long time until he finds some random sage
and in true kung-fu movie fashion
this sage dude has ol’ monkeytimes carry water and chop wood for 7 years
also he changes his name from ol’ monkeytimes to Wu K’ung
and then after seven years he’s like okay monkey guy
seems like you are serious about learning this shit
also you have done HELLA chores and I am pleased
so here
here are the 72 transformations of immortality
also a somersault that will carry you around the world
and Wu K’ung is like AWWW SHITTTT
dude lemme at least give you a couple bucks
to pay you back for all these sweet transformations
and the sage is like naw bro
just make sure to not use your powers for being an asshole
and the monkey is like oh haha sure okay

so he goes back to the other monkeys
and he has to save them from some demons or something
and then he’s like well shit
better get these dudes some weapons
so he does
and then he goes to the dragon king who lives underwater
and he’s like yo dude
i want a really great weapon
and the dragon king
who is FUCKING TERRIFIED of Wu K’ung
is like sure dude
have this 3,000 pound sword
(if you’re someplace that uses the metric system
I think that’s about 7 kilometers)
and Wu K’ung is all like NOPE
TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like ohhh shit
okay
here’s a 7,000 pound axe
and Wu K’ung is like NOPE
STILL TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like well uh okay
all we have is this huge iron bar that some guy used to make the oceans
and the monkey king is like PERFECT
I’LL TAKE IT
the staff is super huge
but it shrinks on command
and it also has its exact total weight written on it
which is like 13,000 pounds
and Wu K’ung is like hey guys
while I’m here
how about also some armor and sweet pimp clothes and fancy sandwiches?
and everyone is like sure okay dude just don’t hurt us

so the monkey king comes back to his monkeys
and they’re like DAMN BRO YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAZING
and he’s like uh yeah
I KNOW
NOW I AM GOING TO TAKE A NAP
TRY NOT TO GET BLINDED BY ALL MY SICK FINERY
so he falls asleep
and starts having this CRAZY dream
where demons are dragging him into hell
and he’s like whoa now FUCK THIS
and whips out his staff and brutally emasculates these demons
and then fancyswaggers right into the mouth of hell
into the inner sanctum or whatever
and he’s like HEY CHINESE SATAN
WHAT’S THIS ABOUT?
and chines satan is like uh
uh
lemme check the book that says when everyone is gonna die
oh
look
it says you’re gonna live to be like three hundred and-
FUCK THAT, says the monkey king
and he walks over to the book and he’s like lemme just fix that real quick
and just straight crosses his name out
and then crosses out the names of all his monkey pals
and then he goes back to earth and his monkeys are like yo dude where you been
and he’s like oh nowhere
just CUTTIN’ THROUGH THE RED TAPE OF HELL
LIKE MAYOR MCBADASS AT THE RIBBON-CUTTING FOR AWESOME ISLAND
WIELDING THOSE GIANT NOVELTY SCISSORS
LIKE A GUILLOTINE
OF JUSTICE

so word gets around
and everyone starts to get pretty worried about this dude
so finally they all go ask the Jade Emperor
who is like the king of heaven or something
if he can do something about this rambunctious monkey
so the Jade emperor invites Wu K’ung up to his place
and he’s like yo
monkey king
how would you like A ROYAL APPOINTMENT IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
and Wu K’ung is like FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION FOR MY AWESOME TALENTS
WHAT’S THE APPOINTMENT, KINGY-POO?
and the king is like
“Pi Ma Wen”
which means “Stable boy”
but apparently the monkey king doesn’t know chinese
so he goes ahead and does this shit job for TEN YEARS
until he finally realizes that his job
actually involves picking up literal shit
I don’t know why it took him ten years to realize this
but anyway he responds by breaking a bunch of shit and then going home
back to the monkeys
who are like DUDE
FUCK BEING A STABLEBOY
YOU SHOULD RUN FOR OFFICE
THE OFFICE OF “GREATEST SAGE EVER”
WE ARE NOT SURE THAT IS AN OFFICE
BECAUSE WE ARE ONLY MONKEYS
AND FRANKLY, EVEN OUR ABILITY TO SPEAK IS PRETTY REMARKABLE
BUT HEY MAN IT’S WORTH A SHOT
and Wu K’ung is like you know what
you’re right

so he makes this big banner that says he’s the greatest sage ever
and naturally this pisses heaven off
so the jade emperor sends some dudes to go fight him
along with like SEVERAL THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
but here is the problem:
the monkey king is like PRETTY MUCH INVINCIBLE
he can do crazy shit like pull out his hair and turn it into more of him
he can like
shoot lasers out of his face and multiply his arms and transmute flesh to fire
what I am saying is this guy’s power level is THROUGH THE ROOF
he makes short work of the armies
and then some other armies
and finally the jade emperor is like okay dude
you wanna be the greatest sage?
fine
that’s not even a thing
but check it out
we’ll even build you a fucking castle
and make you caretaker of a grove full of immortality peaches
and Wu K’ung is like OH MAN
I LOVE HOW MY NEGATIVE ACTIONS HAVE ONLY POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES
then he busts into the peach orchard and eats like ALL THE PEACHES
even though he was immortal to begin with
so basically
what the fuck?

but so he eats a bunch of peaches
and he passes out in a peach tree
and these fairies come by to gather peaches for this sweet party
and they see that there are like NO PEACHES LEFT
and they wake up Wu K’ung
who has turned himself into a caterpillar for some reason
and he’s like WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
and they’re like uh
we were supposed to get peaches for this sweet party the queen is throwing
and Wu K’ung is like THE QUEEN’S THROWING A PARTY
AND I’M NOT INVITED?
BUUUUUULLLLSHIT
so he casts a spell on the fairies
(it doesn’t say what kind of spell
just any old spell
like maybe he set them on fire or bought them cotton candy
or just tattooed “STEAK” on all their foreheads
whatever)
and then he goes to the party
except he’s not content to just crash the party normal-style
no no no
he turns his hair into a PLAGUE OF SLUMBER-INDUCING LOCUSTS
then once everyone is asleep
he rolls in
gets PLASTERED
breaks a bunch of shit
including SEVERAL MORE ELIXIRS OF IMMORTALITY
(holy SHIT heaven is like oozing with this stuff)
and then he sobers up enough to realize he should probably get out of here
and he flies back down to earth and meets back up with his monkey bros
like DUDES I JUST TOTALLY CRASHED A PARTY
AND I STOLE ALL THEIR BOOZE AND BROUGHT IT HERE
SO WE CAN KEEP THIS PARTY GOING
ALL
NIGHT
LONG

but so then they wake up to find that perhaps they have partied TOO HARD?!
because now their mountain where they live is surrounded by EIGHTEEN NETS
and also EIGHTEEN MILLION THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
and also a whole pantheon full of PISSED-OFF GODS
but Wu K’ung is like it’s cool guys I got this
HIYAAAAAAAA
and BAM
he’s got SIX ARMS
EACH WITH A DIFFERENT CRAZY KIND OF WEAPON
like
he has so many arms
that about halfway through he runs out of real weapons to hold
and has to start making shit up
like KNIFE?
CHECK
AXE?
CHECK
CONSTANTLY OSCILLATING WHEEL OF FIRE?
CHECK?
but yeah
then he also bites off a bunch of his hairs and turns them into a tun of him
man male pattern baldness is gonna hit this guy HARD

but so the gods are STILL pissed off
I mean
if there is one surefire way to piss off gods
it is getting between them and their booze
so finally they pull out their ace in the hole
their ace in the hole is just some other god named Ehr-lang
which is not an intimidating name in any language
but actually he is a pretty formidable dude
his power level is substantial and all that
and what he does
which is actually pretty brilliant
is he grows like 10,000 feet tall
and then Wu K’ung is like OH IT’S ON BITCH
and he grows himself like ten thousand and ONE feet tall
and while they are busy godzilla-ing it up up there
all of Ehr-lang’s dudes just straight MASSACRE the other monkeys
and then the monkey king looks down and he’s like AW FUCK DUDE WHAT DID YOU DO
I THOUGHT I ERASED ALL THOSE GUYS OUT OF THE BOOK OF DEATH OR SOMETHING
and Ehr-lang is like WELL THEN MY FISTS MUST BE FOUNTAIN PENS
CAUSE I DONE PENCILED Y’ALL BACK IN FOR 11:00
WHICH IS RIGHT NOW
AND I GUESS I DIDN’T PENCIL YOU IN
BECAUSE MY FISTS ARE PENS
BUT ANYWAY THE IDEA IS I’MA KILL YOU
but by the time Ehr-lang is done backpedaling Wu K’ung has already run away
and turned into a bird
so it’s a good thing Ehr-lang has some kind of crazy GPS tracking device on him
he just starts chasing that bird like nobody’s business
by turning into ANOTHER BIRD
and this goes on for a while
with these two dudes shifting through basically every flavor of ornithological bullshit
and some snakes and fish and stuff also
and finally they just turn back into dudes
and start punching the hell out of each other
and the gods are watching like should we fix this?
yeah
we should fix this
so one guy throws this magic diamond ring at Wu K’ung
which knocks him out and then ties him up
this is a serious ring my friends
this is the kind of ring i would give as an engagement ring
because then if my fiancee tried to run away
BAM
ROPES AND UNCONSCIOUSNESS
I am just not very confident in my personal charisma is all ok?

but so the monkey king is like AWW NUTS
TOTALLY UNFAIR
and everyone else is like well
as long as we’re doing unfair things
why don’t we put this monkey in a pot
and MELT HIM so all his immortality comes out and we can maybe salvage it
and everyone is like THAT IS A GREAT IDEA
so they put him in a pot
and they set it on fire
and they leave him in there for FORTY-NINE DAYS
and then one guy opens it up to check on his ashes
and BOOM
OUT BUSTS THE MONKEY KING
like BITCHES
DID YOU EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK UP IMMORTALITY IN THE DICTIONARY BEFORE YOU DID THIS?
IT MEANS I CAN’T DIE
IT’S NOT LIKE ONE OF THOSE BULLSHIT PARKING SIGNS
LIKE NO PARKING BEFORE TEN PM
THERE IS NO WORKAROUND
YOU CANNOT JUST KEEP CIRCLING THE BLOCK UNTIL MY IMMORTALITY DISSIPATES
NO MY FRIENDS
IMMORTALITY IS A SIGN THAT SAYS “NO DYING ANYTIME”
“MONDAY THROUGH SUNDAY”
“12AM TO 12AM”
“EVERY”
“DAMN”
“DAY”
so yeah basically the only thing anyone manages to accomplish by burning him
is turning his eyes a TOTALLY BADASS RED
so that’s when the gods are like fuck it
I’m out of ideas
somebody call buddha

so they manage to dig up buddha’s number
and he comes plummeting out of heaven like YO
MONKEY KING
LET’S HAVE US A CONVERSATION
and the monkey king is like sure okay what’s up
and the buddha is like dude
you’ve been being a real shack of tools these past several hundred years
and everyone would like you to stop
would you consider just chilling the fuck out?
and the monkey king is like dude
chill out?
I was just in a furnace for a month and a half
the only thing I am about to chill out is these beers I just stole from heaven
and buddha is like whoa whoa okay
a proposition then
if you can do a backflip out of my hand
you can go ahead and keep doing whatever you want
but if you can’t
I OWN you
and Wu K’ung is like psh WHAT?
your hand is like nine inches long
I can somersault AROUND THE WORLD
this is TRUE COMEDY, buddha
I accept your proposition

so buddha sticks out his hand
and Wu K’ung climbs on top of it
and he’s like ready
set
BACKFLIP
and he’s backflippin’ harder than a whole swimming pool full of breakdancers
until finally he stops
and he’s standing at the foot of these FIVE MASSIVE PILLARS
and he’s like HAH
I MUST BE IN SOME CRAZY ALIEN DIMENSION
LET ME MARK THIS PLACE FOR POSTERITY
so he carves his initials into one of the pillars
and then pisses on it for good measure
and then backflips back to where he started
and buddha’s like WHAT THE FUCK MAN
YOU JUST PISSED IN MY HAND
YOU LITERALLY JUST PISSED ALL OVER MY FUCKING HAND
HOLY SHIT DUDE
HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF BUDDHA’S INESCAPABLE PALM?
HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?
and then buddha turns his hand into a mountain composed of a bunch of elements
and imprisons Wu K’ung under it for like several thousand years
with nothing to eat but iron pills
and nothing to drink but MOLTEN COPPER
until some sage decides he’s suffered enough
and releases him and gives him a new name
and they go searching for the mythic scriptures of buddhism
but THAT is a story for another time

so I think the moral of this story
is if you find yourself outmatched by a superior opponent
don’t fuck around
call Buddha FIRST

The end.

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7 thoughts on “MONKEY KING

  1. This is one of my absolute favourite mythologies, mainly because it is so batshit insane.
    Well done, sir; you have truly done it justice!

  2. That's got to be like eight-myths'-worth of a myth, right there. I needed to take a nap halfway through; not because you were boring but because it was exhausting trying to keep up with Wu K'ung's exploits. Forget the immortality, I wish he could bottle some of his energy.

  3. whahahhahaa, hilarious yet true to the account. grew up with the monkey king. love it love it love, I remember those “monkey king marathon” late nights when the VCR just came to China … thx man, this was a good read. with your site, i can finally read mythology without wincing about the idioma these things are written in ;)

  4. Aw, you skipped Ne Zha, the flaming wheel stomping flying toddler who was a total bro. Also, Ehr-Lang literally means second son, so dude had kind of a pansy name for the guy who was supposed to eat the moon.

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