More Reasons Not To Be a Bird

So on the one hand
this semester is almost over
on the other hand
THIS SEMESTER NEVER FUCKING ENDS
so in the interest of going back to sleep
or work or whatever it is I have to do today
here’s a short fable:

So there’s this eagle
he’s on top of the world
real fancydapper motherfucker we got going on here
why is it that these fables always start with an animal having a REALLY GOOD TIME
but by the end of the tale that is NO LONGER THE CASE?
could Aesop not be arsed to save up all the good times for a happy ending
I dunno
MAYBE ONE FUCKING TIME?
let me answer that for you:
nope

okay so this eagle
he’s flying along
and then he gets pegged with an arrow
RIGHT IN THE FACE
so he’s like oh fuck
this is the worst
this is way worse than what happened to that fox that one time
and then he falls out of the sky
and he breaks his everything on the ground
and as he’s dying
he looks at the arrow
and he notices that the feathers on the end
are his OWN
DAMN
FEATHERS
WHOAH

so the moral of the story is supposed to be something like
WE OFTEN GIVE OUR ENEMIES THE MEANS OF OUR OWN DESTRUCTION
but fuck that
how the hell are you gonna stop your feathers from coming out?
or if you’re not a bird
what about hair?
what is going to stop some wiley hunter/voodoo master
from stealing all your hair
and using a combination of street smarts and witchcraft to stab you in the face?
NOTHING, that’s what
except
not having hair
laser hair removal:
that is the REAL moral of the story.

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “More Reasons Not To Be a Bird

  1. much as there are rituals to use your own hair to magically influence you, there are also rituals that will protect you from being jinxed with your hair.

    Also, you should never leave your hair outside otherwise birds will use it to build thier nests which will drive you insane.

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