MOTHERFUCKING NORSE MYTH AVALANCHE

OK SO GUYS
GUYS
I ALREADY LOST MY BET
I USED ALLCAPS WHEN I WAS TALKING TO SOME GUY
SO NOW IT IS ALLCAPS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER TIME
TRUST ME THIS IS AWESOME

OK SO THE NORSE GODS RIGHT
ahem i mean the norse gods right
(gotta leave some room for UNDUE EMPHASIS ok)
they have these apples they eat
these sweet delicious golden apples
provided by this chick Idunn
and these apples
are the official sponsor
of never getting old ever
or at least never looking old
they are like botox apples
holy shit i should patent those
wow wow wow

ok anyway
on an unrelated note
one day Loki and Odin
and Odin’s brother Hoenir
who nobody cares about
except maybe odin
and i’m not even sure about that actually
decide to go on a camping adventure
except they don’t pack any food
like IDIOTS
so they do the manly thing
and kill an ox
and cook it for dinner
except instead of cooking it
they FAIL AT FIRE
for HOURS ON END
like they make a fire
and they put the meat in the fire
and they sit there and watch the meat attack the fire
for several hours
and then they take the meat out
and it is like goddamn beef sashimi
wait is it still beef if it is oxen?
whatever
you know what i mean
shit’s undercooked

so eventually
after a veritable cavalcade of failure
this eagle shows up
all like SQUAWK SQUAWK BITCHES
I CAN MAKE THAT FIRE WORK LIKE FIRE IS SUPPOSED TO
BUT IN EXCHANGE I GET TO EAT SOME OF THAT TASTY OXBEEF
and the gods are all pretty hungry so they are like sure fine
so then the eagle somehow turns the fire into a massive furnace
now if i was those guys
i would get pretty suspicious right around now
but these guys are professional retards
so they just go with it
and then the meat is cooked
and the eagle is like ok foodtime
and eats pretty much all of the meat in one bite

so obviously the gods are pretty pissed about this
and in fact loki is like GOD DAMMIT FEATHERTITS
YOU JUST MOUTHJACKED MY MEATSLAB
PREPARE TO GET PUNCHED
and he runs towards the eagle
and the eagle just kind of takes him
up into the mountains
and starts dragging his face over rocks
like WHO HAS THE FEATHERTITS NOW FEATHERTITS
HUH
WHO IS IT THAT HAS THEM
and loki is like IT’S ME IT’S ME
I HAVE THE FEATHERTITS
STOP REUPHOLSTERING MY FACE WITH THESE ROCKS
I LIKE HAVING SKIN
STOP STOP STOP
and the eagle is like NUP
GONNA KEEP RIGHT ON DOING THIS
UNTIL YOU PROMISE TO DELIVER ME
THOSE GOLDEN APPLES YOU GUYS EAT
THE ONES THAT ARE LIKE EDIBLE BOTOX
(ha HA
not so unrelated now
is it?)
and loki is like FINE FINE OW FINE OW
so then the eagle brings loki back to his friends
and they are like hey man how did you escape
and loki is like NOTHING SHUT UP
LETS GO HOME IM TIRED

so they go back to asgard
and loki sidles on up to that chick Idunn
not being shifty at all
like hey girl
i was just over in midgard and i saw this chick
who had apples JUST LIKE YOURS
pretty crazy huh
and Idunn is like yeah that is pretty crazy
and loki is like i know
it was so crazy
i was like WHAAAAAAAT
these can’t be the same apples
and then i thought to myself
there is only one way to find out
and that is to go get Idunn
and bring her all the way to Midgard
along with all her golden apples
so I can do a side-by-side comparison
this is the only way
and Idunn is like dur ok sounds reasonable
i am always looking for more apples to botox the aesir with

so Idunn follows loki over to Midgard
and no sooner are they across the bridge
when that goddamn asshole eagle swoops down
like NYAHAHAHA YOINK
and takes Idunn and all her apples
and then reveals that he is in fact a giant
named Thjazzi
although really that doesn’t matter
since he is basically an eagle forever all the time
anyway he takes idunn back to his place
and locks her in the highest tower
doesn’t even use the apples or anything
he is JUST DOING THIS TO BE A PRICK

so meanwhile
back in Asgard
the aesir are starting to get PRETTY SAGGY
and they are all hiding in their castle
like oh fuck oh shit what are we going to do
we’re ugly
how are we going to keep killing giants
and insulting dwarves
when we are ugly
they will just laugh at us
oh god this is like prom all over again
except then someone realizes
loki is totally not there
and they decide he is probably the cause
of all this bullshit
i mean really
they should have figured this out alot sooner
resolving aesir crises is pretty simple guys
here
let me make a flowchart

DO YOU HAVE A CRISIS?
YES
DID THE GIANTS DO IT?
NO?
LOKI DID IT.

GET LOKI TO SOLVE YOUR CRISIS

so that’s what they do
they find loki
and they are like hey asstrolley
did you fuck up again
and loki is like haha you got me
please don’t kill me
and they are like we won’t
provided you get the apples back
and loki is like fuck fine
why am i always held responsible for my actions

so he goes and finds freyja
who is apparently not part of this whole shit fiasco
and is like freyyyjaaaaaaa
i need to borrow your feather cloak again
you know the one that makes you fly
and is obscenely valuable
and freyja is like well i guess
since you didn’t steal it the last time i lent it to you
i’ll just go ahead and blindly trust you with it again
even though you could easily use it
to just escape all of the angry aesir
you know what fuck them
i’m a vanir anyway
i’m a fucking insurgent
here have this cloak
go nuts

so loki takes the cloak
and once again
is UNCHARACTERISTICALLY HONEST ABOUT THE WHOLE THING
he flies to Thjazzi’s place
and finds Idunn in the tower
and turns her and her apples into a nut
so he can carry them
and then gets the fuck out of there
and Thjazzi sees him and is like AW HELL NO
and turns into a massive eagle again
so loki is hauling ass through the clouds
and Thjazzi is hauling ass after him
and they are getting pretty close to asgard
so the gods see this happening
and they are like OH SHIT
QUICK
MAKE SOME FIRE
so they build a HUGE fire right in front of asgard
and loki flies over the twigs
and then right as thjazzi is flying over them
the flame suddenly goes FWOOOOOOOM
and immolates him six ways to sunday
and loki turns his nut into idunn and the apples
and no one has to be ugly ever again

so the moral of the story is
sometimes fire can cause problems
like when you end up indebted to a giant evil eagle
but it is okay
because any problem caused by fire
can be solved by a much larger fire

the end.

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5 thoughts on “MOTHERFUCKING NORSE MYTH AVALANCHE

  1. “they are like hey man how did you escape
    and loki is like NOTHING SHUT UP
    LETS GO HOME IM TIRED”

    OH MY GOD YOU ARE A GENIUS!!!

  2. Pingback: Balls Well That Ends Well | Myths RETOLD

  3. In Norse myth, Loki is a liar but never an oathbreaker. Oathbreaking in Norse society was so bad that it was below even Loki. That’s why he was honest in keeping promises.

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