Neil Gaiman made up this myth

So tiger

he’s got huge balls
I’m talking HUGE
these balls are so big
they have like
other smaller balls
ORBITING THEM
these are some rough and rowdy
rude and crude
out of control balls
and tiger is extremely proud of them

so one day tiger goes down to the river with his friend anansi
i dont know how anansi has any friends
since he does nothing but betray them and eat their food
but anyway they go down to the river
and anansi is like hey let’s go swimming
and tiger is like well ok
but i dont want to get my precious balls wet
they might shrink momentarily
get all pruney and shit
and anansi is like well ok
since i’m such a good friend
you can go swimming
and leave your balls here with me
and i’ll watch over them while you go have summertime fun
nothing bad will happen i promise
so tiger is like dur ok
and he leaves his balls there with anansi
and goes swimming

now anansi
being a spider
has tiny tiny balls
these balls are like
invisible to the naked eye
in fact just looking at them
makes other peoples’ balls shrink two sizes
they call it “the reverse testicular grinch”
or they would if they had doctor seuss back then
but even though his balls are small
they have got to be INCREDIBLY DENSE
packed tight with TESTICULAR FORTITUDE
because as soon as tiger is out of sight
anansi rips off his balls
and sticks tiger’s balls onto his dick instead
and leaves his tiny spider balls behind
and runs the fuck away

anansi doesnt stop running the fuck away
until he gets to the next town
and in the next town anansi meets a monkey
and the monkey is like YO ANANSI WHATS GOOD
NICE BALLS MAN
and anansi is like haha thanks
feelin’ super manly today
speaking of which
i heard this hilarious song this morning
i can’t get it out of my head
and monkey is like dude what is the song
and anansi is like ahem it goes like this:

tiger’s balls, yeah
I ate tiger’s balls
now aint nobody gonna stop me never at all
nobody put me up against the big black wall
cos I ate tiger’s testimonials
I ate tiger’s balls

and monkey is like AMAZINGGGGGGG
I’M GOING TO SING IT TO ALL MY FRIENDS
AND WE ARE GOING TO SING IT LOUDLY
ALL DAY EVER DAY
and anansi is like sweet
go ahead and do that

so then anasi runs back to the river
and he sees tiger running around
furious with tiny spider balls dangling from his dick
like ANANSI
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO WATCH MY BALLS
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and anansi is like IT WAS THE MONKEYS MAN
I AM SO SORRY
WHOLE BUNCH OF MONKEYS CAME
AND STOLE YOUR BALLS
AND I WAS LIKE NO STOP
STOP YOU MONKEYS
THOSE ARE THE BALLS OF A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE
but the monkeys were like
HAHAHA FUCK YOU
and then they ripped off MY balls
and left them there
for you to find
and tiger is like i am pretty suspicious
because you suddenly have huge tiger balls
and I have your balls
so i am going to eat your liver
just to be safe
but just then
a whole bunch of monkeys start swinging through the trees
singing like

LA LA LA
I ATE TIGER’S BALLS
LA LA LA
BALLS BALLS BALLS

and tiger is like YOU BASTARDS
and he goes off to kill every monkey
leaving anansi to enjoy his massive
MASSIVE
testicles

the moral of the story is
you don’t need to feel sad or inferior
just cause you’ve got tiny balls
just find a friend with huge balls
and steal them
and then blame some monkeys

The end

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17 thoughts on “Neil Gaiman made up this myth

  1. "this is a universal collective mind operating behind and expressing itself through the individual consciousness of a myth's author."
    p. 22 of "myth and modernity" by milton scarborough
    (capitals my own)

  2. I nearly died laughing. Anansi may be an awful friend but I love him somehow, or at least, Neil Gaiman's version of him.

    Have you considered doing other fictional myths, like Tolkien's Silmarillion? I'd love to see your take on The Children of Húrin!

  3. Pingback: God is Good, But Not THAT Good | Myths RETOLD

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