So I know y’all go cuckoo for norse myths
but right now I feel like telling Japanese myths
so you are just going to have to make friends with your inner otaku
pull up a pair of distended raccoon testicles
and get comfortable
because now this is happening:
He’s the rough and rowdy storm god who gives 0% fucks about everyone
but somehow he has found someone willing to touch his lightning penis
and as a result, he now has A BUNCH OF KIDS
ALL OF WHOM ARE GODS
BECAUSE JAPAN CALLED, AND IT NEEDED A FEW MORE GODS.
Anyway, one of these gods is named Ohonamochi
which means “Great Name Posessor”
which is sort of cheating, as far as naming someone is concerned
I mean I have never seen an Oscar nominated feature film
called “Film With An Extremely Appropriate and Poigniant Title”
you don’t get to take that shortcut, Susanoo.
if this guy has such a great name
then how come when he and his eighty brothers go out courtin’
(Yes, he has eighty brothers.
Are you surprised?)
Mister Great Name over here is the one who has to carry ALL THEIR BAGS?
Also, as a side note
why are eighty bodacious Japanese gods
all going out to court A SINGLE HOT CHICK?
It’s not like there’s a shortage of goddesses to choose from.
Or maybe there is…
PERHAPS THE ULTIMATE SAUSAGEFEST?
Ohonamochi is carrying the bag for all his awful bros
and they prank a rabbit so hard that it becomes SERIOUSLY INJURED
and Ohonamochi feels bad for the rabbit and heals it using his god powers
and then the rabbit is like “Thanks dude!
Turns out I am ALSO a god
BECAUSE SERIOUSLY EVERY LIVING THING IN JAPAN IS A FUCKING GOD RIGHT NOW
so I am going to give you holy dibs on that princess your bros are all going to try and woo!”
So then they all get to where the princess is
and the princess predictably refuses to marry ANY OF THESE DUDES other than Ohonamochi
so Ohonamochi’s bros get understandably pissed
and they decide to pull one of their patented HIGHLY INJURIOUS PRANKS.
So what they do is they go up to Ohonamochi and they’re like “Hey dude
we need you to catch this giant red boar up on that hill over there.
If you don’t, we’ll totally kill you.”
And then what they do is they carve a boulder to look like a boar
and then they set it on FIRE
and then they roll it down the hill
and when Ohonamochi tries to catch it
LIKE AN IDIOT
it burns him so bad that he dies.
they got him to do that by threatening to kill him
and the end result was that they killed him.
Are these dudes just so hard up for laffs
that they couldn’t have just beaten him to death the regular way?
I mean, there’s EIGHTY OF THEM.
But actually, killing Ohonamochi is harder than you might think
because this dude has a super committed mom
who goes to a bunch of other gods
and gathers up all the necessary god-honey and magic juice necessary to resurrect her son.
So Ohonamochi comes back to life
and the first thing he does is go back and hang out with his murderous bros.
THREE MINUTES ALIVE
ALREADY MAKING TERRIBLE PLANS.
So his bros are like “Alright bro, welcome back.
We triple dog dare you to stand in the middle of this tree we split down the middle
and then we are going to remove the wedge that is holding the tree apart
and it is going to crush you.”
And Ohonamochi is like “DURR, OKAY.”
So he dies AGAIN
and his mom gets him brought back to life AGAIN
and this time he has the presence of mind to not hang out with a bunch of murdering dudes.
Instead he hides from them in the Land of Trees
which seems like an odd choice for a guy who just got killed by a tree
but anyway, after wandering around for a while
he ends up at SUSANOO’S PALACE
and this chick called Princess Forward
immediately locks eyes with him and then ten seconds later they’re married.
She is called Princess Forward for a reason.
But Susanoo is having none of it.
I think he has maybe even forgotten that Ohonamochi is his son
because as soon as he finds out about this marriage he’s like
“YOU WANNA MARRY MY DAUGHTER?
HERE’S WHAT YOU GET:
YOU GET TO SLEEP IN THE SNAKE HOUSE.”
Yeah, Susanoo is the kind of guy who builds a snake house
just so he can tell people to sleep in it.
But luckily, Princess Forward has some kind of magical snake-repellant scarf
so she just gives that to Ohonamoci, and he’s fine.
But then the next day
when Susanoo finds out he’s survived
he’s like “OKAY WELL GOOD JOB
NOW YOU GET TO SLEEP IN THE CENTIPEDE HOUSE.”
He’s apparently got a whole collection of houses full of terrible, terrible things.
But apparently, Princess Forward has a matching collection of scarves
because then she just gives Ohonamochi a centipede-repellant scarf, and he’s fine.
So the NEXT day, Susanoo decides to get a little creative
and instead of finding another terrible house for Ohonamochi to sleep in
he just fires a magic arrow into the middle of a swamp
and he’s like “Alright, dude, go get that arrow for me.”
So Ohonamochi goes into the swamp
and then Susanoo sets it on fire.
WHY DOES OHONAMOCHI KEEP DOING THESE THINGS PEOPLE TELL HIM TO DO?
LITERALLY NONE OF THEM HAVE TURNED OUT WELL.
IT IS LIKE THIS DUDE IS ADDICTED TO TERRIBLE DECISIONS.
But LUCKILY there is this hyperintelligent tribe of mice in the swamp
that find Ohonamochi and show him where to hide from the fire
and then dig up the arrow and bring it to him
and then he crawls out of the swamp, all gross and covered in soot
and he gives the arrow to Susanoo like “Now what?”
And Susanoo is like “Well, I have all these centipedes in my hair.
I don’t know why they’re in here.
Maybe because I live on an estate attached to a CENTIPEDE HOUSE.
Anyway, they are getting on my nerves
so I need you to remove them for me.”
And Ohonamochi predictably agrees.
But then PLOT TWIST
once he has lulled Susanoo to sleep with expert scalp massages
he proceeds to remove no centipedes at all
and instead tie all of Susanoo’s hair to different parts of his house
and then run away with Princess Forward
along with Susanoo’s sword, and his bow, and his magic harp.
But it turns out that a magic harp is a terrible thing to try and steal
because it knocks against something and then THE WHOLE EARTH RESOUNDS WITH ITS CALL
and then Susanoo wakes up
but he is tied to his house by the hair, so he doesn’t do a very good job of chasing them
and instead he ends up just standing in the doorway of his ruined house
yelling at his fleeing son, like “GREAT JOB, DICK.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND USE MY MAGIC SWORD TO KILL YOUR BROS
AND THEN TAKE THE NAME ‘GREAT MASTER GOD OF THE LAND’
AND SET UP A SWEET TEMPLE AND RECREATE THE EARTH AND STUFF?
HOW ABOUT THAT, ASSHOLE?”
So that’s exactly what Ohonamochi does
because he always does what people tell him to do.
So the moral of the story
is if all your friends are telling you to jump off a bridge
you probably SHOULD do it
because underneath all that rushing water and death
is a bunch of IMMORTALITY AND SEXY LADIES.