Ole Lukoie is CLEARLY a pedophile

Jeeze what is it with these myths and pitching me all these fucking softballs

it’s like I’m in a tee ball game
and the umpire comes waddling over to home plate
setting up softball after softball
for me to meteor kick into outerspace
where they explode into sick burns
incapacitating satellites and drawing dicks on the moon
first a whole story about talking sausage and now this asshole?
(thank you for your recommendation by the way Klent “Reaper” Bodangerous)

okay so this guy is named Ole Lukoie
you may know him as the sand man
except no
no that’s not what he is
because does the sandman roll into your room at ten PM
and start flicking sweet milk into your eyes?
no
you know who does that?
rapists
yeah this magic sleep juice cements the children’s eyes shut
so they can’t see him
i guess he doesn’t like to be seen
but it doesn’t stop there
because then Ole McCreepsauce comes up behind them
and BREATHES ON THE BACKS OF THEIR NECKS UNTIL THEIR HEADS GET HEAVY
honey did you check on little timmy?
oh yes dear
he’s fine
there’s just some guy crouching behind him
you know
breathing on his neck
BUT GUYS IT’S OKAY IT’S FINE
because
AND I QUOTE
“Ole loves children
he just wants them to be quiet.”
YOUR HONOR I SWEAR I JUST WANTED THE CHILDREN TO BE QUIET
SO WHAT IF I DECIDED TO ACHIEVE THAT BY FLINGING MILK IN THEIR EYES
AND THEN SENSUALLY BREATHING ON THEIR NECKS
THAT’S NOT A CRIME
actually I feel like it might be a crime
i feel like it is at least crime-esque

but anyway
why does Ole want the children to be quiet?
well to molest them
OBVIOUSLY
but also to tell them stories
better known as dreams
although actually he doesn’t so much tell the stories
as paint them on umbrellas and open those over children’s heads
wait isn’t it bad luck to open an umbrella inside?
well i guess he figures he’s going to jail anyway
but yeah he has 2 umbrellas
1 is full of beautiful pictures
those are dreams for good little children
and the other one has nothing in it at all
he opens that one over shitty kids and they sleep poorly and have no dreams
wait fuck that
that’s lame
errata: the second umbrella is full of nightmares
so but this particular story has to do with how Ole once stalked this one kid
named Hjalmar
for a whole fucking week
and gave him the craziest dreams every night
i feel like it would be cool to start with the tuesday dream
because it’s tuesday
but the tuesday dream is fucking boring so let’s do the monday one instead

okay so basically Hjalmar’s room turns into a bunch of trees
but then his desk starts FREAKING OUT
because there’s a writing tablet in there and it’s like AAAAAA
THERE’S SOME MATH ON ME AND IT’S WRONG
WRONG MATH WRONG MATH
and there’s a pencil all trying to fix the math but it’s too fucked up
there’s nothing that pencil can do
and then there’s a notebook in there too
and IT’S freaking out too
like AAA AAA AAA THE LETTERS INSIDE OF ME ARE SO SLOPPY
WHY ARE YOU SO SLOPPY YOU SLOPPY LETTERS
and the letters are like DUDE WE ARE TRYING AS HARD AS WE CAN
BUT WE SUCK SO BAD WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO
yeah that’s right
Hjalmar is such a worthless student
he actually causes PHYSICAL TORMENT to his school supplies
so Ole walks over to the letters like dudes
just straighten the fuck up
and the letters are like CAN’T
TOO WEAK
and Ole is like ok well then i guess you have to take medicine
i’ve got tons of medicine
and the letters are like AW SHIT NO WE’LL BE STRAIGHT WE PROMISE
and then they straighten up
and Ole spends the rest of the night making them run around the room
to make them strong so they stop sucking
and then Hjalmar wakes up in the morning but the letters are still miserable

so the moral of the story
is dumb kids have the best dreams
so i guess if you want to have the best dreams
you should hit yourself with a brick?

THE END.

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6 thoughts on “Ole Lukoie is CLEARLY a pedophile

  1. This is made 100% creepier by the fact that my university's mascot is named Ole (but like how matadors say it, with the accent) and he looks likes this:
    http://tinyurl.com/3zxhwha

    If that came into my room every night I would NEVER SLEEP out of SHEER TERROR.

  2. Anne O: What the fuck is wrong with your school? Seriously, that's horrific.

    So do we not get to hear about the rest of Hjalmar's crazy week of inexplicable probably-molesty dreams? I bet they'd be great fun.

  3. @Anon, hey my sister's mascot looked like a cross between the crunchman and the Quaker Oats man, because they had to make a "raider" non-Native American :-P

    Love this story as usual Ovid — where is this one from? I was thinking Hawaiian by crazy dudes name, but the kid's name looks norse or something.

  4. I think I saw this story in a book as a kid. IIRC, the story is Swedish or some flavor of Scandinavian. Yeah, the other dreams are equally messed up

  5. oh yeah, milk, right, he is flicking "milk" into thier eyes, which glues it shut. milk. uh huh. I got some milk that will glue your eyes shut right here.

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