Orpheus

Fuckin’ Orpheus.

This dude has all the hookups
Seriously his mom is a muse
specifically the muse of singing
and when he is like five or something
Apollo shows up like WHAT UP
I AM HERE TO BANG ONE OF UR MOMS SISTERS
HEY DO YOU WANT A LYRE
by the way a lyre is some kind of instrument
like a fucking ultraharp or something
basically how it works
is if apollo gives you one you have a future in the music industry
so naturally at some point Orpheus just goes down to earth
and starts melting face with his amazing music
seriously this shit is fantastic
like so fantastic
that when Jason is getting some argonauts together
(argonauts are dudes who go around on a boat called the Argo)
to do some ridiculous adventuring
he is like
I know we are all seriously bad dudes on this ship
like with muscles and stuff
but you know what we need?
we need a dude with a lyre
and they get orpheus
and then
when they go past the sirens
who sing such sexy music that any dude who hears it
is like OH SHIT GOTTA GO DROWN MYSELF TRYING TO HIT THAT NOW
Orpheus hears that shit and goes aw hell no
and whips out his lyre
and solos SO HARD
that nobody can hear the sirens
and anyway nobody cares
because Orpheus is way fucking better than those skanks
so yeah that’s the kind of guy he is
and obviously a dude like this is pulling down tail like he is trying on costumes at the godzilla costume warehouse or something
but his favorite chick
for some reason
is this skirt named Eurydice
i don’t know that much about her
but probably she was pretty hot
because i mean Orpheus was essentially the ultimate rockstar
with like
additional rockstars taped to each of his fingers
he had his pick of the crop is what i’m saying
but she was not too bright
i know this because one day
when she and Orpheus were walking
on a mountain or something
she stepped on a whole fuckton of snakes
and the snakes killed her
this is what happens when you step on snakes
but Orpheus ain’t havin’ none of it
so he just sits down
and composes the ultimate emo symphony
which is so incredibly drenched in secret pain
and angst and nihilism
that all the gods are like fuck man
what are we going to do about this
and finally zeus comes down
and is like hey man
why is it that you demigods
are always doing things
which prevent me from laying down serious dick
really dude i cannot get these chicks in the mood
with you down here being a pussy
play some barry manilowe or something jesus
and Orpheus says no man i am just too bummed
and Zeus says okay crybaby
why don’t you just go down to hades and get your skank back
and Orpheus says i think i will
so he does
and he just charms the pants off of Hades so hard
with his lyre and his singing
oh and also persephone
he charms her pants off too
were women allowed to wear pants back then?
anyway
yeah persephone is down there
which i guess means its winter
which i guess means zeus couldn’t be getting any poontang anyway
unless he came up with a brilliant scheme for getting laid in winter
which, knowing zeus, is not very difficult to believe
ANYWAY
everybody’s pants are just charmed WAYYYY off
and hades says
ok christ man
i will give you your woman back
but only if you pass a ludicrous and arbitrary test
which i am going to specify for you
basically your chick’s ghost will follow you
all the way out of hades
but you can’t look at her
until you’re both in the real world
or you never get her back
make sense?
and Orpheus says not really
and Hades says tough tits that’s how it’s gonna be
so Orpheus kind of has to go along
and he starts walking
and on the way out he sees a bunch of demons
and he’s like hey demons
and they’re like hey orpheus sup
and he says oh just leading my chick out of hell
and they say your chick? what chick
and orpheus says the one right behind me smartass
and they say oh
THAT chick
and then they kind of chuckle a little bit
and this is making orpheus nervous
like real nervous
and he really wants to look
but he knows he can’t look
but then the VERY MOMENT
that he steps out of hades
he turns around to see if she’s really there
and SHE IS
but SHE IS STILL IN HELL
so Orpheus fails the test
and Eurydice disappears forever
and he’s back to square one
he is SO UPSET BY THIS
that he vows to only fuck underaged boys for the rest of his life
and he goes and sits on a hill
and just plays emo shit all day
so one day
all of these followers of Bacchus show up
and are like hey dude we’re having a party right here right now
you still chill with Bacchus?
and Orpheus is like fuck no i only worship THE SUN
and they are like dude are you sure about that
we are a bunch of hot chicks and we are about to have an orgy
and only people who are down with Bacchus are invited to the orgy
and Orpheus says fuck no i only have sex with people’s SONS
and the chicks are all like well ok
and then they tear off his skin and rape his corpse
and rip his head off
and chuck it into a river
along with his lyre
which he is inexplicably still able to play
and he just floats off down the river
making awesome music
forever
the moral of the story is
unless you can play your instrument with your head ripped off
and your arms and skin missing
you are not a real musician

The end

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13 thoughts on “Orpheus

  1. Eurydice died because some asshole satyr chased her into a meadow and she accidently stepped on the snake trying to get away from him.

    Because that is basically the purpose of satyrs, to be totally drunk bastards and chase women around because they think it is awesome to rape them.

    Though most male characters in myth think this is awesome and spend most of their free time just raping people, so I guess the only difference is that satyrs are drunks. And half-goat.

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  3. Why do you keep using the Roman name for Dionysus (Bacchus), but the Greek names for everyone else? Sorry to bitch about it, these myths are great, it’s just that that detail is driving me crazy.

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  6. and then it was the french revolution and the king of dreams hired this one chick to go get orpheus’s head which had somehow ended up in france and she got captured by robespierre and she takes him to the head which she left with a bunch of other heads they had lying around because dude it’s the FRENCH REVOLUTION of course they’ve got a bunch of heads lying around and she’s like PSYCH ORPHEUS HOW ABOUT YOU GIVE THEM A SONG and orpheus sang so nice that st. just forgot how to talk the next day and that’s how the terror ended

    the moral of this story is that tyrants can only be overthrown with the help of millennia old magical people

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  8. The book version is so much better because of this: “If only Tiresias had been around, this might never have happened.”

    I know it’s only 2 lines, but it provided a much better laugh because it references a character mentioned in one of your previous writings.

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