Prince Ivan Takes Dumb To the Next Level

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Okay a couple things
first of all crossdressing shirts are now officially being made
by a dude named Vlad the Retailer
I don’t think that’s his real name
but actually if you live in LA he’ll probably stock them in his store too
(his store is called Vlad the Retailer)
then you can get them without paying shipping
and there will be a larger selection of colors
I’ll let you guys know when he actually gets them in stock
but this first batch of shirts should be ready on Tuesday

SECOND OF ALL I found a website where some dude draws shit
it’s pretty cool you guys might like it
check it out

THIRD OF ALL
HERE IS A MYTH

sweet tabasco soaked balls of the virgin mary this Ivan guy is retarded

basically ivan is the son of some Tsar or whatever
and he has 2 bros who are older than him
and his dad has a tree just COVERED in golden apples
everyone in myths seems to have these
the ancient world was just lousy with golden apples
what the fuck is the point of golden apples
i mean king midas has already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt
that you can’t eat gold
so come on

but apparently someone thinks these apples are pretty damn rad
because they are getting stolen faster than porn mags in a drugstore
(ok i’ve never actually seen porn mags in a drugstore
but i saw some kids do it in Cowboy Bebop once so it must be a thing)
and also the King thinks these apples are pretty rad
I mean obviously he does
otherwise why would he spend what i assume is a lot of money
growing and tending an inedible goldtree
so he flips the fuck out and stops eating
and then he calls his eldest son and he is like BOY
STAND BY MY APPLE TREE AND FIND OUT WHO IS STEALING MY APPLES
and the son is like sure dad whatever
so he goes and stands by the tree for HOURS
but then he gets tired
and passes out
and when he wakes up apples are gone
so he goes back to his dad like the little shit he is
and his dad is like SON WHO STOLE MY APPLES
and the kid is like man i dunno dad
I stayed awake ALL NIGHT and I didn’t see NUFFIN
I can’t offer any rational explanation for why that is because i’m actually lying
so the king figures maybe his next oldest son sucks less
so he tells him to do the same thing
and that jackass pulls the same bullshit
so the king is like UGH I’M ALL OUT OF SONS
TIME TO SCOOP UP THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL
AND USE MY IDIOT SON IVAN
so Ivan goes to watch the tree
and he is SUPER SERIOUS ABOUT KEEPING WATCH
he is so serious
that when he gets tired
he rubs some ice cold dew on his face
and maybe does a little meth
or whatever the russian version of meth is
vodka?
anyway he stays up all night and at like 4AM this fucking firebird shows up
no one ever explains what the firebird is
other than some piece of shit parakeet
that likes to get its grub on with the king’s apples
so i guess i take back what i said
apparently those apples are edible?
but so seeing as first of all it can fly
and second of all it’s made of FIRE
Ivan can’t really catch the bird
but he does manage to get one of its tailfeathers
and he brings that to the king like hey dad
look what my piece of shit brothers failed to figure out
and the king is like HOLY SHIT THE FIREBIRD
yeah apparently everyone knows what this thing is
this is apparently a thing people talk about all the time
but no one has any clue WHERE it is
because the next thing the king does is call all his sons together
and be like BOYS
GO GET ME SOME FIREBIRD
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO JUST GO EVERYWHERE
so everybody just gets on their horses
picks a direction
and starts riding
now correct me if I’m wrong
but don’t searches usually start with like
last known whereabouts?
for example
the tree that grows in their FUCKING BACK YARD
if it was me i might have tried hanging out and waiting for the bird there
for at least ONE NIGHT
before punching my horse in the ass to go scream at the peasantry about a fire animal
but hey i’m not in this story
and i’m pretty happy about that actually

so the next thing that happens is Ivan is riding along on his horse
and he comes to a field
and in the middle of the field
is an OBELISK OF DOOM
or really just a pillar
but the pillar is like yo
(not in words in writing)
if you go straight
you will be cold and hungry
so basically par for the course in this country
if you go left
you will live but your horse will die
if you go right
you will die but your horse will live
what the hell kind of horse fetishist picks option three?

so Ivan takes like an hour to read all this because he is none too smart
and he gets to the end and he’s like hm
fuck you horse
and he goes left
and he gets like TEN FEET
when a bigass grey wolf jumps out of nowhere
and it’s like DUDE
DIDN’T YOU READ THE SIGN
NOW I GOTTA KILL YOUR HORSE
and he fucking REAMS that horse
and then runs away
so then Ivan is walking along
getting real tired and hungry and cold
and the wolf shows up again
and it’s like aw man
I’m sorry I fucked you over dude
here how about I make it up to you
by magically solving all of your problems from now on
and Ivan is like sweet
you can start by helping me find the firebird
and the wolf is like OH MAN GOOD THING YOU RAN INTO ME
I’M THE ONLY DUDE IN THE WORLD WHO KNOWS WHERE IT IS FOR SOME REASON
FORGETTING THE FACT THAT ANYONE COULD JUST SEE IT FLYING AROUND
AND FOLLOW IT HOME
FUCK THAT LET’S GO

so Ivan hops on the wolf’s back and takes him to this castle
and he’s like alright dude
this is it
this is the place
all you gotta do is climb over the walls
the guards are asleep
which kind of defeats the purpose of guards
but yeah anyway just go inside and the bird will be in a totally unlocked cage
so just grab that bird and get the fuck out of there
just one thing though
DON’T TOUCH THE CAGE DUDE
JUST PRETEND YOU’RE PLAYING OPERATION
EXTRACTING THE SWOLLEN BIRDGLAND OR SOMETHING
so Ivan climbs over the wall
and he goes in and he grabs the bird
but here’s the thing
the cage is MADE OUT OF GOLD
and Ivan is super excited about this
i mean forget the fact that he grew up in a fucking palace
a palace where gold LITERALLY GROWS ON TREES
this cage is just TOO SHINY for his shriveled brain to deal with
so he grabs it
which sets off a buzzer
OBVIOUSLY
and then all the guards come
and the king is like DUDE
I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE JUST GIVEN YOU THE BIRD IF YOU’D ASKED
ME AND YOUR DAD ARE BUDDIES
WHICH MAKES IT EVEN WEIRDER
THAT THE WOLF IS THE ONLY DUDE WHO KNOWS WHERE THE BIRD IS
but yeah man i’m sorry I can’t just let you get away now
how about I let you off the hook
on the condition that you steal this GOLDEN MANED HORSE FOR ME
FROM SOME OTHER KING
so Ivan goes outside and explains this shit to the wolf
and the wolf is like IVAN
I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE CAGE
WHAT HAPPENED TO NOT TOUCHING THE CAGE IVAN
and Ivan is like dude I know I know
we had this plan
but then I got into the room
and the cage was so shiny
so i decided to start improvising
and the wolf is like fuck
fine
we better go get that horse then

so they go to the castle with the horse in it
and the wolf is like alright ivan
same deal as before
the guards are all asleep
the wall is like 2 feet high
the horse is totally unguarded and everything
all you gotta do
is NOT TOUCH THE BRIDLE
think you can do that?
and Ivan is like yeah yeah no problem
so he goes inside
and he gets to the horse
but that bridle is just SO SHINY
what’s he supposed to do
listen to the magic wolf who has not been wrong about anything ever so far?
FUCK THAT
he grabs the bridle
the alarm goes off
and the king shows up like DUDE
YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST ASKED ME
ME AND YOUR DAD PLAY GOLF TOGETHER
BUT LIKE THE RUSSIAN VERSION OF GOLF
SO LIKE
VODKA?
but shit dude now i gotta come up with some quest for you
so i don’t have to behead you
your dad would be pissed at me if I beheaded you
oh i know
i’ve been meaning to rape this other king’s daughter
can you hook a brother up with another brother’s daughter?
he’s not actually my brother that was just an expression
although if he was my brother I’d still prolly fuck his daughter
chick is HOTT

so Ivan goes outside and he’s like hey wolf we gotta go do another thing
and the wolf is like IVAN
BUDDY
DO YOUR HANDS HAVE LITTLE LIKE
BAD-DECISION POWERED ELECTROMAGNETS IN THEM
JUST YANKING THEM FULL SPEED INTO WHATEVER PROBLEMS COME YOUR WAY?
and Ivan is like dude listen
sometimes a man just has to fondle a shiny bridle
it’s not my fault this was one of those sometimes
and the wolf is like FUCK
FINE
LET’S GO GET THIS PRINCESS OR WHATEVER

so they go to the castle where the princess is
and the wolf is like alright
all the guards are asleep
the princess’s door is open
and she is already tied up in a shopping cart for ease of transport and
god dammit
you know what
fuck this
you just get as far away from here as possible
I’ll go get the princess myself and catch up with you
how about that
and Ivan is like what’s that I didn’t hear you
I found some poison ivy
and I was eating it so i wouldn’t accidentally step on it later
and the wolf is like KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING BUDDY

so the wolf kidnaps the princess
without ANY PROBLEMS
and then he catches up with Ivan
and Ivan gets on his back
but then Ivan seems pretty bummed out
and the wolf is like what’s wrong
and Ivan’s like I was just thinking
I really wanna bone this princess
but we gotta exchange her for a horse
I’ve already demonstrated that I don’t give a fuck about horses
so this is a really bad trade in my estimation
and the wolf is like don’t worry I got this covered
go hide the princess
then I will turn into the princess
and we will exchange me for the horse
and Ivan is like ok
so he hides the princess
who by the way does not express a SINGLE OPINION IN THIS ENTIRE STORY
pretty sure she doesn’t even say words
or like grunt
not actually sure she’s a person
but whatever apparently she’s hot
and then he exchanges the shapeshifting wolf for the horse
and rides away with the princess
and then the king goes to fuck the wolf
but then it’s not a princess it’s a wolf
and he’s like AHHHHH
NO ONE TOLD ME THE PRINCESS WAS A WEREWOLF
FUUUUUUCK
and then the wolf runs away and hooks up with Ivan again
I’m not sure why
all that happens when he hangs out with Ivan is Ivan fucks up and the wolf fixes it
like I feel like he’s already paid back Ivan for the horse he ate
and he didn’t even owe him that much
considering Ivan willingly rode his horse down a road that said YOUR HORSE WILL DIE
but anyway Ivan is riding along with the wolf and the princess and the horse
and he seems pretty bummed
and the wolf is like what’s up
and Ivan is like well I don’t really like it when my actions have consequences
so is there anyway you could make me not have to give the other king this horse?
and the wolf is like I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so the wolf turns into the horse
and Ivan hides the horse and the princess
and then gives the wolf to the king
and the king gives Ivan the firebird
and then goes to fuck his horse
but it’s not a horse it’s a wolf
and he’s like OH FUCK
NO ONE TOLD ME THIS HORSE WAS A WEREWOLF
AAAAA
and the wolf books it back to Ivan and they all ride away and it’s great

So Ivan is like gee, thanks wolf
and the wolf is like THIS IS AS FAR AS I GO
however I am going to end up bailing you out one more time
and Ivan is like yeah whatever
so then he rides a little ways and passes out under a tree
at which point his two shitty bros ride by
and they’re like oh snap Ivan has pretty much everything ever
…
let’s kill him and take it all
so they do
and that would have made an awesome ending for the story
BUT NOOOOOOO
the wolf has to show up again
and hold a blackbird’s baby hostage until it brings him magic water
or really just regular water and fizzy water
and he uses those things to bring Ivan back to life
and Ivan doesn’t even realize he was dead
but then the wolf catches up with the shitty bros and murders them
and Ivan regains all his stuff/women
and then goes home to his dad and is like yeah
so a wolf ate my horse and then i stole a bunch of shit and then my bros killed me
but it’s ok because a wolf ate them and I got the firebird and a horse and a woman
and the king is like I’m sad for a while
BUT NOW I’M OVER IT BECAUSE MY SON IS GETTING MARRIED
TO A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF A WOMAN WITH NO OPINIONS

so the moral of the story
is mistakes don’t have consequences
that’s what magic wolves are for

THE END

Kaikeyi is Seriously the Only Person Who Doesn’t Like Ram

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first of all guys
if you live less than four hours away from Hollywood, CA
there is still time to come see me and other rad dudes perform
it is at 8PM tonight
and the address is 4319 Melrose Ave, Hollywood CA 90004
and it’s free and there’s cake
second of all
I am going back to using all the cusses now
Saturday was a failed experiment and i apologize
no wait actually fuck you i’m not sorry
this is my website and you can eat a leprotic dick

BUT OKAY SO RAM RIGHT

he goes back to his dad’s kingdom with his dirtwife Sita
and he helps his pops rule the land for like 12 years
but then daddy Dashratha gets super senile and junk
and he’s like welp
time to appoint my successor
obviously it is Ram
everybody loves him and he is my eldest son and whatever
but OH NO
this stupid bitch of a handmaiden Manthra decides to shit all over everyone’s party
by going to her mistress Kaikeyi
who is one of Dashratha’s wives
but not the one who pooped out Ram
and being like HEY KAIKEYI
IF RAM BECOMES PRESIDENT HIS MOM IS GOING TO BE THE ULTRAMOM
AND YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK BECAUSE OF THAT
and Kaikeyi is like oh shit you’re right
better do my best to fuck everything up
this is what happens when you have three wives
it is a tradeoff though
because you also get access to six tits
a sextet of tits
also known as a sextits
not to be confused with sexitis
which i think speaks for itself

but anyway
luckily for Kaikeyi and unluckily for EVERYONE ELSE
she saved Dashratha’s life in some battle back in the day
and he was like DAMN GIRL I TOTALLY OWE YOU TWO WISHES
BECAUSE I AM SO DELIRIOUS FROM BLOOD LOSS I THINK I’M A GENIE
OR AT LEAST TWO THIRDS OF A GENIE
so Kaikeyi is like oh husband
i’m finally gonna call in those wishes you promised me back in the day
i never cashed them in before because i anticipated that i might be able to use them
to fuck you over
so here goes
WISH ONE: my son Bharat gets to be king
WISH TWO: exile Ram
okay listen you steaming twat
you solved your problem with the first wish
the second wish could have been for anything
a sex robot
a gun that shoots out parties
the moon, but with a cock
ANYTHING
and you chose to needlessly exile your stepson
or is it a stepson if he is the son of one of your husband’s simultaneous wives?
or is it like
an unson
or a cocknephew or something
modern terminology does not account for this situation
maybe i should ask some mormons?
this is not a joke i am honestly curious

but so anyway
Ram finds out he’s exiled
and he’s like welp
guess i’m gonna go be poor somewhere now
oh and by the way Kaikeyi doesn’t specify how long he’s gotta be exiled for
so for some reason he ends up getting exiled for 14 years
i guess that is the standard length for exiles
and Ram is a little awkward about explaining this to his wife Sita
like hey babe
so uh
instead of being rich and the queen
you are going to get to either hang out here and get abandoned by me
or frolic in dirt and filth for 14 years
at the end of which
who knows?
but Sita is super chill about everything
just like yeah whatever i was sick of being rich anyway
let’s go die of dysentery together
and then Laxman busts in like DID SOMEBODY SAY THREESOME
and Ram is like naw bro
no one said threesome
but you can come with us anyway if you want

so the three of them go to poortowne for a while
and meanwhile Dashratha dies of sad and old
and then Bharat comes home
oh yeah
i forgot to tell you
BHARAT WASN’T EVEN IN THE KINGDOM WHEN HIS MOM DEMANDED THAT HE BE MADE KING
HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE KING FROM WHEREVER THE FUCK HE IS
THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE CELLPHONES YET
AND FAX MACHINES ARE A WAYYYY INEFFICIENT WAY TO RUN AN EMPIRE
but anyway he gets home
and he’s like aw mom what the fuck did you do
i don’t even want to be king
Ram was supposed to be king
and now my dad is dead
great job shitting in everyone’s milk you fucking harpy
now i gotta go get Ram back and be exiled in his place
like some kind of slick indiana jones switch
but with exiled sons instead of bags of sand and priceless statues
i’m sure the law won’t notice the difference
especially since I AM CURRENTLY THE DUDE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING THE FUCKING LAWS
so he goes and finds Ram
and he’s like come be king dude
and Ram is like naw bro
gotta go ahead and stupidly adhere to a pronouncement my dad was coerced into making
i’m sure you understand
and Bharat is like no not really
but here’s what I’ll do
I will just go ahead and keep the throne warm for you until you get back
and meanwhile i will live in a fucking dirt hut as penance or whatever
and keep your sandals on the throne
to indicate that you would totally be king if you weren’t being a prick about this
so basically for fourteen years
no one is happy
but then after that I guess Ram comes back and everyone is happy

so the moral of the story
is I don’t care if your wife knocks you out from in front of a fucking TRAIN
reward her with sex
not wishes

the end.

The Most Important Thing About Ehud is That He is Left-Handed

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Hey guys
first off I have a pretty cool announcement
which is that I am going to be performing at this really cool show/party
and Ryan North and David Malki are gonna be there (right?)
and it’s free too so if you live in LA you should definitely show up
SECOND OFF
i am going to do something hitherto unprecedented on this blog
I am going to write this entry WITHOUT USING A SINGLE CUSS WORD
this is going to be difficult
i’m not sure why I’m doing it but here goes:

okay so god is really cheezed off at the jews for some reason
god always seems to be getting cheezed off at the jews for one thing or another
maybe they forgot to worship the right statue things
or maybe they left the toilet seat up or there were dirty dishes in the sink
but whatever it is
god decides that the only way to solve this is by subjecting his chosen people
to FIFTEEN YEARS OF DICTATORIAL HORRORNONSENSE
so he shoots this dude Eglon with a beam of PURE HOLY MAGIC
which gives him a new superpower
which is subjugating the jews
a lot of people throughout history seem to have had this superpower
but yeah so Eglon gets some help from these dudes the Ammonites and the Ammaleks
except i highly doubt that because i’m pretty sure Ammonite is a pokemon
and pokemon have no place in serious wars
because all they ever do is knock each other out
which is insufficient for war
unfortunately there are no murder type pokemon
OKAY I’M GETTING A LITTLE SIDETRACKED HERE LET’S GET BACK TO THE STORY

so Eglon is king for like fifteen years
and everything sucks for the israelites
but then i guess god decides he needs to fix this problem he caused
because otherwise how is he going to punish the jews for the NEXT major boo-boo
so he makes this dude Ehud show up
he’s from these dudes called the Benjamites
which are either a race of dudes who are all named benjamin
which is proven empirically false because Ehud’s name is not Benjamin
OR
they are some dudes who are all about the dolla dolla bills
which is also wrong because they did not have dolla dolla bills in bible times
so i really have no clue who the benjamites are
also for some reason the bible sees fit to mention that Ehud is left-handed
first of all
wouldn’t being left-handed be the norm in Israel
since they write backwards or whatever
and second of all
WHO CARES
but so apparently this left-handed dude is the man with the plan to defeat Eglon
so he makes a wicked two-edged knife
and he duct tapes it to his right leg
and then he goes to Eglon’s place
and he’s like psst
bro
i’ve got a secret to tell you
and Eglon is like A SECRET
THIS SOUNDS INCREDIBLY LEGIT/IMPORTANT
GUARDS
LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY SO THIS STRANGER CAN TELL ME SECRETS
so all the guards leave the room
at which point Eglon is like ok ok what’s the secret
and Ehud is like I HAVE A MESSAGE
A MESSAGE
FROM GOD
and then he busts out his wicked knife and stabs him in the tummy
which just goes to show that action movie sensibilities
predate action movies

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because Eglon is SO FAT
that his fat gobbles up the Ehud’s ENTIRE KNIFE
and then his stomach just starts spraying poop EVERYWHERE
I mean Eglon is still dead and everything but this is totally gross anyway
and Ehud is like well i guess that’s my cue to leave
and just jumps out the window and escapes to some rock quarries

MEANWHILE
Eglon’s servants are all standing outside the chamber
which is locked
and they’re like we’d better not bother him
he’s probably covering his feet
I have no idea what that’s code for
covering his feet
with ejaculate?
with whores?
with poop?
well that last one is actually accurate
but whatever it means
it ends up making these servant dudes feel SUPER ASHAMED
to the point where they finally unlock the door and find their boss
dead and covered in poop
which i think really must have ruined their image of him

but so meanwhile Ehud goes to the Israelites
and he’s like dudes
I just killed Eglon
let’s press our advantage by proceeding to murder as many of his dudes as possible
so that’s what they do
they kill like ten thousand dudes
in a merciless slaughterstorm
you would think god would be more sympathetic
towards the dudes he was using to punish his chosen people
seeing as it’s not their fault and all
but no
that is not God’s MO
and then eighty years pass
and some other dude shows up and kills 600 dudes with a pointed stick
but that’s a whole other story

so the moral of this story
is if a left-handed dude offers to tell you a secret
it is probably not a very good secret
probably it is actually just knives in your stomach

THE END

SHIRT SHIT

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5

(Scroll down below this to read a sweet hindu myth if you don’t give a fuck about shirts)

Okay so now is the moment you’ve all been waiting for
DO THE SHIRTS GET SCREENPRINTED OR NOT?
the answer is they do
but I gotta level with you guys
I kinda lied when I said I only needed to sell 5 more shirts to hit the 40 shirt goal
in the end people bought about 20 crossdressing shirts
but since I really really want to screenprint this shirt
i decided to count ALL shirt sales
and you guys totally bought more than 40 shirts TOTAL in the last 2 weeks
so SCREENPRINTING IS A GO
I may end up taking a slight loss on the whole thing to start with
but it’s gonna look totally sweet so it’s worth it
anyway I’m gonna be hooking up with a shop some time in the next couple days
which means the preorder offer (color of your choice + thankyou note)
will remain in effect until I actually hand the money over to the shop
once the printing begins, shirts are only going to come in two colors:
pink and light blue
probably
unless a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE start emailing me and getting mad
and wanting me to do like grey or light grey or electric blue instead of light blue
but i am not budging on the pink
and I am writing extremely legit and heartfelt thankyou notes
for everyone who already preordered
RIGHT NOW
AS I TYPE THIS I AM WRITING THEM WITH MY FEET

Ram Gets Rewarded for Failing

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Alright so there’s this king Dashratha

he’s the king of some place in India
and he’s got three wives
but oh shit
looks like his wives are broken or something
because they aren’t producing any sons
so he’s like I KNOW
HOW ABOUT I SET MY VALUABLES ON FIRE UNTIL THE GODS GIVE ME SONS
and holy shit what do you know
halfway through this needless destruction of his sweet riches
some awesome genie or something jumps out of the fire like HEY
HERE’S SOME GRUEL
FEED IT TO YOUR WIVES
I SPIKED IT WITH FERTILITY DRUGS
ok listen up gods
you’re GODS right
why do you need to use gruel as an intermediary for your holy fucking miracles
couldn’t you just wombzap all these bitches into a breeding frenzy?
couldn’t you at least have put the drugs in something more appetizing than gruel?
APPARENTLY NOT
so anyway Dashratha feeds his wives all this gruel
and it is SUPER EFFECTIVE
it is so effective
that his three wives
produce FOUR SONS
THAT IS 1.3 SONS PER WIFE
TALK ABOUT VALUE
their names are Laxman
Shatrugan
Bharat
and RAM
which is the name my brother used to enter whenever he got an arcade high score
mine was ASS
anyway Ram is Dashratha’s favorite
basically because his name is the shortest and easiest to remember
and when you’ve already got three wives
ON TOP of having four sons
that starts to really be an issue

but ok so one day this asshole sage called Vishwamitra shows up to the kingdom
and he is like oy Dashratha grant me a wish
and Dashratha is like what do i look like a fucking genie?
and Vishwamitra is like no you look like a rad king
which is basically the same thing
and Dashratha is like ok what do you want
and Vishwamitra is like YOUR SON RAM
and Dashratha is like fuck shit WHAT
and Vishwamitra is like no hold on let me explain
see i’ve been trying to conduct these sacred rites in the woods
and Dashratha is like LET ME JUST STOP YOU RIGHT THERE
MY SON’S ANAL VIRGINITY IS NOT UP FOR GRABS MISTER
and Vishwamitra is like WILL YOU LET ME FINISH A FUCKING SENTENCE
look i’ve been trying to perform these rites
but every night a couple demons show up and kick over all my sacred vessels
shit in the holy water
that kind of thing
and i mean
i’m the greatest warrior of all time
but i promised the gods I wouldn’t use my awesome warrior powers
i guess because the gods are into people WASTING THEIR FUCKING LIVES
so instead i decided I’d just steal your fucking son
who is only sixteen if i recall
and make him do it
and Dashratha is like dude
that sounds RECKLESSLY IRRESPONSIBLE
and Vishwamitra is like HEY ASSHOLE YOU PROMISED YOU’D GRANT ME A WISH OK
and Dashratha is like holy shitbed this is terrible
because now he remembers this one time
when he was in the woods hunting
and he thought he heard an elephant
but it was actually someone’s SON
but unfortunately the way he learned that was by shooting the guy in the brain
and then that guy’s parents cursed him
and said that his own son was gonna die some day
and he was like haha joke’s on you assholes i don’t have any sons
BUT THEN HE HAD TO GO AHEAD AND PRAY TO THE GODS FOR SONS
MAN WAY TO DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE SHITWIT
but eventually he realizes that if he doesn’t give his son to this hermit
everyone is gonna think he’s an asshole
so he’s like sure fine dude whatever
why don’t you go ahead and take his younger brother Laxman while you’re at it
and the sage is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

so Laxman and Ram accompany Vishwamitra to his hermit cave
which is like the bat cave
except there are hermits hanging from the ceiling instead of bats
no wait that’s entirely wrong
it is kind of like the bat cave though
because it is CHOCK-A-BLOCK FULL OF SWEET WEAPONS
like seriously
if you gave human growth hormone to a swiss army knife
that happened to contain a miniature SPEAR, BOW, ARROW, TRIDENT AND BEAR
blew it up with a hand grenade
then collected the shrapnel and doused it in Merlin’s jizz
you’d get about the same array of ruthless badassery that is on display in this cave

now why the fuck does this hermit have all this shit?
because the gods gave them to him as a reward for his penitence
his penitence which includes NOT USING SWEET WEAPONS
that’s like if taking a vow of chastity entitled you to a lifetime supply of blowjobs
but i guess it works out because it means Laxman and Ram get to use them
because Vishwamitra is all about teaching them how to murder shit
so there’s a sweet kung fu montage of these dudes learning to use these weapons
and then finally Vishwamitra is like ok
now I want you guys to stand guard and kill those fucking prankster demons
when they show up to ruin this super important ritual i’m doing
and Ram and Laxman are totally jazzed about this
so they stay up for DAYS guarding this ritual
and finally on the last day these two demons show up
like HAHA WE ARE ABOUT TO PRANK THE SHIT OUT OF THIS SAGE
but Ram and Laxman are like HELL NO
and just shoot the first demon with a WIND MISSILE
so he flies 800 miles and then presumably dies
i don’t know what a wind missile is but it sounds sweet
and then they throw a disk of pure fire at the other one
simultaneously decapitating it and setting it on fire
and then Vishwamitra is like ok guys what the fuck
I spent like months teaching you how to use these sweet weapons
these sweet weapons that I have spent my WHOLE LIFE accumulating
and you just went ahead and used wind missiles and fire disks on them
come on guys that shit doesn’t even sound REAL
way to just shit all over my training
whatever we’re going on a road trip

so they go on a trip to this place called Mithila
where there is some king named Janak
and he has a daughter named Sita
i mean actually she’s not his real daughter
he just found her in a ditch
while he was working in the fields because his kingdom was so poor
and decided she must be a sign from heaven or something
and so he named her Sita
after the dirthole he found her in
Dirthole
what a lovely name
but yeah she’s SUPER bonable
SO bonable that Janak has seen fit to come up with a stupid test
which will determine who can marry and subsequently bang his daughter
what it is is he has a huge bow that like no one anywhere can handle
and if anyone manages to string it they will get to bang his daughter
so Ram and Laxman and Vishwamitra show up like hey king what’s good
can Ram try and fuck with your bow?
and Janak is like haha seriously
this kid is scrawnier than a cardboard box full of damp kittens
at which point Ram just grabs the bow and FUCKING BREAKS IT IN HALF
WHILE TRYING TO STRING IT
and Janak
instead of being like hey asshole you broke my bow
instant disqualification
is like hey asshole
good job
you get to bang my daughter
even though this is probably because the 100 billion other dudes who tried
seriously weakened the bow
so that works out inexplicably well for Ram

and thus the moral of the story
is that if you are going to get involved in any feats of strength
try to go last
it is a serious advantage

THE END.

Boats: an Elder God’s Only Weakness

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Check the post below this for an announcement
or just say fuck it and read this instead

OK LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME HORRIBLE SHIT
because militant dominatrix Emilia “Kink Arrow” Von Sexx
wanted me to tell you about some other horrible shit
and this is my halfassed way of doing what she paid me to do
kind of

OKAY SO H.P. LOVECRAFT RIGHT

holy shit what the fuck is even WRONG with this guy
reading one paragraph of this cthulu shit
is roughly equivalent to TWELVE WEEKS IN VIETNAM
seriously i am getting flashbacks right now it’s terrible
but yeah ok i’m pretty sure you’ve all heard of this nameless horror cthulu
but like none of you have read the story that cthulu is actually fucking FROM
because you are all illiterate
because why the fuck else would you be reading my blog
SO HERE IS WHERE THIS WHOLE ELDER GODBEAST NONSENSE GOT STARTED

so there’s this dude and his granduncle dies
first of all who the fuck has a grand uncle
but second of all how does this dude have a granduncle who is so wicked sweet
this dude is like the ultimate crypto-archeologist
which basically means that whenever anyone digs up some shit they don’t understand
this is the dude they ask
AND NO ONE EVER DIGS UP SHIT THEY UNDERSTAND
but so this granduncle character dies
in a super suspicious way that involves a black dude
(fun fact: HP Lovecraft hates him some black people)
and he leaves all his crazy science bullshit to his grandnephew
and the grandnephew is rooting through all this shit in a super respectful manner
when he finds this weird-ass clay tablet with shit on it
that is not old AT ALL
and there is some writing with it
that is basically like HEY HEY HEY THIS WEIRD SCRAWNY-ASS SCULPTOR CAME IN HERE
WITH THIS FUCKING TABLET
AND HE WAS LIKE I MADE THIS IN A CREEPY DREAM
IT HAS A PICTURE OF A MONSTER ON IT
WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF AN OCTOPUS
A DRAGON
AND A FAT DUDE
SO OBVIOUSLY I GOT SUPER EXCITED AND ASKED HIM A TON OF QUESTIONS
that’s not all it says but i’m tired of writing in allcaps
it also says that this sculptor dude
whose name is wilcox
keeps having these creepy dreams where he hears shit yelling nonsense words
like cthulu and fhtagn
and then after a couple weeks he just goes off the fucking deepend
goes totally shithouse bonkers and starts passing out and gibbering
and yelling about some kind of mile-high hosebeast lumbering around causing problems
and then a few days later BAM he is suddenly cured and he has no memory of goin crazy
so that’s exciting/TERRIFYING

but our narrator (the grandnephew) does not give a cardboard FUCK
about this supernatural bullshit
he is pretty sure this wilcox guy just got messed up on sculpting fumes
and started making up crazy stories
so he goes ahead and reads MORE of his granduncle’s crazytime notes
and these ones are even MORE crazytimes
because they are talking about some cop called Inspector Legrasse
who showed up at this special archeologist nerd orgy in St. Louis
looking for any dudes who could help identify this creepy cthulu statue he found
when he was busting up a mega sinister occult love-in out in the bayou
and everyone is like WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE SHIT THIS IS
I MEAN
WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF ROCK THIS SHIT IS MADE OUT OF
WHAT IS THIS
SPACEROCK?
SATANROCK?
TELL US ABOUT THIS CRAZY OCCULT LOVE IN YOU BUSTED UP
WE ARE TIRED OF TALKING IN ALLCAPS

so Legrasse is like alright
basically some squatters showed up at the police station
like dudes there are some crazy assholes beating drums and setting off fireworks
like deep in the swamp
it’s seriously freaking us out
and i was like well fuck you that’s what you get for being squatters
but then i felt bad so we went and checked it out
oh also i think the drum dudes kidnapped some squatter dudes and maybe murdered them?
anyway I took 18 of my best dudes and we went looking for the guys with the drums
and we found them
on the edge of what is apparently an evil lake
full of like this huge white monster that eats dreams and shits deathterror
i mean no one has ever seen it but they know it’s there
presumably because they’re all FUCKING CRAZY
but anyway yeah there were a bunch of dudes dancing around by that lake
there was a ton of fire and dead bodies and also this statue
so naturally we shot half of them and took the rest of them to prison
because they were all blacks and mulattoes and you know how those guys are
(HP LOVECRAFT: HERO OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT?)
and uh they were all chanting this cthulu gibberish
i’m not even gonna bother to reproduce it here
basically it was something like
way down in R’lyeh evil sinister dead Cthulu is dreaming
i mean we tortured all those cultists and everything
and that’s all they’d fucking tell us
that and that there were all these elder beasts from space
sleeping underwater or something
and these cult dudes wanted to eventually release those guys
and basically ruin everything
pretty crazy right?
and the granduncle is like YES PRETTY CRAZY INDEED
BOY THAT’S REALLY GONNA FREAK ME OUT IN A FEW YEARS
WHEN SOME CRAZY SCULPTOR COMES AND TALKS TO ME ABOUT HIS DREAMS
yeah i dunno why we get fed these stories in reverse order either
just go with it ok

but so grandnephew Mcskeptic over here still doesn’t think this is AT ALL IMPORTANT
i mean he spends a little while trying to get famous
by finding out shit about this cult
but eventually he gets bored and moves on to some other shit
until ONE DAY he TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT finds a NEWSPAPER CLIPPING from AUSTRALIA
one of his rich asshole friends was using it to wrap some precious glassware
or some shit like that
and he just kind of smashes that glassware to the floor so he can READ THIS SHIT
there’s a photo of a little cthulu statue in there
and the article is basically like SOME DUDES FOUND A BOAT
THERE WAS ONE DEAD GUY AND ONE LIVING GUY ON IT
THE LIVING GUY HAD THIS STATUE AND IS PRETTY MUCH CRAZY AND WON’T EXPLAIN SHIT
THE END
and that is enough to motivate our hero to go to FUCKING AUSTRALIA

so he goes to australia
and tries to track down this boat guy
but everyone is like oh he moved back to his old house in Oslo, Norway
so TO OSLO WE GO
but oh shit
it turns out this boat dude DIED VERY RECENTLY
because he got hit on the head by a falling stack of papers
and then got helped up by some more black dudes
MAN THOSE BLACK DUDES SURE ARE CRAFTY AM I RIGHT LOVECRAFT?
but luckily boaty mcboat (whose real name is Johansen but i prefer boaty mcboat)
wrote a detailed account of his horrifying sea adventure
which is about how he and his crew set out on some ship
and then got attacked by another ship
crewed by black people who were SO EVIL that Johansen and his crew
COULDN’T HELP BUT BRUTALLY MURDER THEM
and then steal their ship (which is called the Alert
which is funny considering how easy those dudes were to murder)
and they realize that these dudes they killed were some kind of cult
cause they have like another evil cthulu statue in their ship
and then they sail towards some island that had an evil cthulu citadel poking out
which they spent a long time trying to figure out how to open
LIKE IDIOTS
oh by the way
fun fact
HP Lovecraft is a HUGE FAN OF ADJECTIVES
the more syllables the better
sometimes it can make reading his writing very difficult
but luckily i discovered a trick
which is that you can replace almost every single one of his adjectives
with “spooky”
without any loss of meaning
let’s try it on one of the paragraphs from the sailor’s account!
AHEM:

“I suppose that only a single mountain-top, the spooky, spooky citadel whereon spooky Cthulu was buried, actually emerged from the waters… Johansen and his men were awed by the spooky majesty of this spooky Babylon of spooky demons, and must have guessed without guidance that it was nothing of this or any other sane planet. Awe at the spooky size of the spooky stone blocks, at the spooky height of the spooky, spooky monolith, and at the spooky identity of the spooky statues and bas-reliefs with the spooky image found in the shrine on the Alert, is spookily visible in every line of the mate’s spooky description.”

SEE?
now just delete every instance of the word “spooky”
and watch this paragraph magically transform into PRETTY GOOD WRITING
but anyway
yeah after these idiots open up the citadel or whatever it is
Cthulu is like O HAI THER
and come lumbering out
along with a big black cloud of poison and insanity
two great things that go great together
and half the crew just instantly goes crazy/dies/is eaten by cthulu
another dude falls into a hole on the structure
that is only there
because the dude who built this shit
was SUCH A SHITTY ARCHITECT
that he BROKE GEOMETRY
like all the veticals are horizontals
and and the parallels are fucking
and what the fuck is a cosecant?
so yeah some dude falls like six degrees to bumfuck turnways
and so only Johansen and this one other dude even make it back to the boat
which is apparently a steam boat
cause they gotta get the steam up
and Cthulu is all GONNA GETCHA
GONNA GONNA GETCHA
and Johansen’s buddy looks back over his shoulder
and sees Cthulu
and INSTANTLY GOES FUCKING INSANE
and Johansen is like NO
FUCK THIS
and he SPINS THE BOAT AROUND
and just drives FULL SPEED AHEAD INTO CTHULU
JUST STRAIGHT THROUGH ITS FUCKING SQUIDFACE
and he basically just straight rips it in half
and it reforms on the other side
but then i guess it gets pretty sad
because instead of taking over the world and slowly fucking everyone to death
Cthulu just crawls back into its horrible deathpalace
and sinks back underwater
UNTIL NEXT TIME
oh yeah by the way this whole nonsense festival coincides precisely
with that painter’s fucked up dreams
and a bunch of other peoples’ fucked up dreams too actually
and some riots and some crazy people problems
and dudes killing themselves and stuff
so i guess the world didn’t get away with it COMPLETELY
there was some consequences i guess

but so then nephew mcnarratortimes
is like welp that’s the story of why everything is fucked forever
i kind of wish i was dead
that’s prolly gonna happen soon anyway
i better watch out for black dudes i guess
but man I just hope no one else finds out about this
that would be horrible for them
WAIT HOLD ON ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO FIND OUT THIS SHIT
WHY DID YOU JUST PAINSTAKINGLY DETAIL IT OUT FOR ME
AND THEN PUBLISH IT IN A FUCKING BOOK
WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION PAID TO ALL THE CRUCIAL ADJECTIVES?
GREAT JOB PRICK
NOW MY LIFE IS RUINED

but anyway yeah
the moral of the story
is cthulu is coming
like for sure
but it’s not a big deal
because apparently cthulu can’t handle boats
and we have tons of those
this is perhaps the most potent argument for cruise ships

THE END.

I’ve had ENOUGH of your motherfucking money

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Alright so a couple of announcements
First of all tomorrow is the last day to preorder shirts
and I still need some magnanimous motherfuckers to buy FIVE MORE
in order to make awesome occur
so do that

second of all i fixed the mistake i made in the last post
so you all can stop FUCKING WHINING ABOUT IT NOW OK

THIRD
I am officially no longer accepting money to tell text myths
I will finish out the ones people have already paid me to do
BUT NO MORE
there are a couple reasons for this
FIRST
people keep paying me to tell really long shit
and while i understand people wrote some REALLY SWEET LONG SHIT
but i think this blog works best in text form when shit is not really long
/I am too lazy to constantly read multi-hundred page epic texts
in exchange for beer money
SECOND
there are all kinds of sweet myths people want to hear/I want to tell
that i’m never gonna get around to if I keep bathing in this vat of request money
like I wanna tell some hindu shit
and people want me to tell some hindu shit
and i don’t think it’s fair to not tell some hindu shit
just cause hindu fans are fucking poor
so feel free to keep sending me suggestions
because when I’m sitting around trying to figure out what to write they really help
and also I WILL STILL TOTALLY KEEP DOING VIDEO MYTHS FOR MONEY
and also selling shirts and whatever
because it’s not like i stopped liking money or anything
but yeah
no more money for text myths
(unless you want me to tell a short myth for someone’s birthday or anniversary
or bar mitzvah or whatever
i guess i can do that)

My Fair Lady was based on this apparently?

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13

Alright so guys
I know a couple of you have paid me money to tell myths
but all three of you want me to read fucking novels
and/or eight million page epic poems
and I’m up against two writing deadlines
and I had a strange dream about my grandma running away and so i need to call her
so yall are just gonna have to cool your jets/hold your horses
for a couple days
while I get this shit sorted out
and MEANWHILE
JUST PICKIN’ SHIT OUT OF THE METAMORPHOSES
YEAHHHHHHH

okay so there’s this dude Pygmalion right
I dunno why but his name has always reminded me of like
a majestic battleship
covered in pigs
but anyway this dude is SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF WOMEN
he’s all like man
women are such skanks
and like
sinful and shit
they constantly make terrible decisions and are basically horrible in every way
you know how I know this?
FROM GREEK MYTHS

GUYS
GREEK MYTHS DO NOT PROVIDE THE MOST ACCURATE AND BALANCED DEPICTIONS OF WOMEN
I mean if you recall
there’s one about how a woman falls in love with a cow
and so invents cosplay in order to fuck it
there’s a story about how THE GREATEST WARRIOR MAIDEN IN THE FUCKING WORLD
is distracted and thus defeated by an armful of shiny apples
and then there’s a whole bunch of chicks that turn into birds and bats and trees
which is just not realistic AT ALL

but regardless
Pygmalion decides that the solution is to never bang any chicks ever
just steer the fuck clear
and remain in his room
masturbating furiously for all eternity
but he gets lonely
OBVIOUSLY
so he’s like oh I know
I’m a great sculptor
how about I just SCULPT myself a woman
out of IVORY
she can’t be a bitch if she’s an inanimate object now can she?
so he chisels out this prime specimen of hotness
like flamethrower-full-of-compressed-boobs level hotness
like napalm-and-blowjob-flavored-salsa level hotness
what i am saying is this statue chick is bo-diddly-dacious
and then Pygmalion settles into a seat
for the most furious masturbation OF ALL TIME
guys
i heard they only just invented 3d porn like a couple weeks ago
what?
how can they say that when Pygmalion clearly invented it several thousand years ago

anyway pretty soon Pygmalion realizes that he has totally fallen in love
with this fake chick he made
he spends a lot of time like
molesting her
and also bringing her presents women like
you know
shiny rocks and shit like that
man i wouldn’t give a statue chick tiny rocks as presents
that would be like giving a real chick tiny lumps of baby flesh
but anyway yeah this dude keeps trying to like make out with his statue
but the statue is a fucking statue so i mean obviously that doesn’t work
and he can’t use his penis on her either for the same reason
but nevertheless he decides to set her up in his bed
like on some cushions or whatever
and then it happens to be like the festival of Venus
so Pygmalion is like yo venus
could you uh
shit i don’t know how to say this
uh
could you find me a chick who is EXACTLY LIKE MY STATUE GIRL
ie incredibly hot and knows how to keep her fucking mouth shut
and Venus is like oh I getcha
WINK
and just transforms that statue chick INTO A REAL GIRL
so like pinnochio
but except more like
SEX Pinnochio
because then they immediately have sex
and venus is floating above them watching
like a total creeper
and she is like I HEREBY BLESS THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RIGHTEOUS BONING
and then they have a daughter somehow
in the statue chick’s creepy artificial womb
and the kid’s name is Paphos
she is a chick
and later she gets an island named after her so that’s cool

so the moral of the story
is fuck being sensitive and empathetic and whatever
buy a realdoll
pray to venus
BAM
instant wife

the end.

Balin needs to chill the fuck out

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Alright so first of all
I know there has got to be at least several more of you
who are all about crossdressing
and need shirts that express this
I need twenty-eight more orders to make bombness happen

but second of all
big sweaty ups to Napalm “Sexpocalypse” Lightningsen
for injecting some freebased dollar bills
into the only intact vein remaining in my body
MY GREED VEIN
in a balls-out attempt to get me to tell you this myth i am going to tell you
SO HERE GOES

alright so King Arthur

he’s chilling out in his castle right
and some squires or whatever come running in
like hey king arthur there’s this asshole King Pellam
he won’t pay tribute to you
and arthur is like how about fucking make him pay tribute
how about that
and the squires are like ok fine mister grumpypants
by the way there’s some dudes hanging out by a fountain nearby
just straight wrecking every dude who comes by
do you want us to invite them over
they seem like the kind of dudes you like to surround yourself with
and King arthur is like naw fuck it
i’ll just go out to their fountain and say what’s up
and by say what’s up i mean beat the shit out of them
so he does
pretty easily
remember he has a sword that makes him invincible
oh man i totally forgot to ever tell you that that’s what excalibur does
but whatever you get the idea

so anyway these two dudes Arthur humiliates are named Balin and Balan
they are brothers obviously
probably twins
i mean they’re like a pair of stripey pants and a couple beanies away
from being tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum already so i’m sure they must be twins
and on top of that what ridiculous names
isn’t Balin the name of a dwarf in some Tolkein book or something?
maybe
definitely it is only one letter away from being Ballin’
but instead it just rhymes with failin’
which is closer to what Balin spends most of his time doing
cause see back in the day Balin was actually a knight of the round table
but then some dude called him a poopy-head or something
so he got pissed off and stabbed that guy’s brain
and then Arthur was like alright dude
i mean we are all about senseless violence but that is a little too much of it
get out of my court
and then I guess Balin decided that the best way to atone for his crime
was to hang out by a fountain with his best bro killing dudes with his lance
because i guess if you murder enough dudes it wraps back around to zero
or stops counting
like an odometer for murder
a murdometer
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT I ALREADY PATENTED IT

anyway after getting humiliated by Arthur
Balin and Balan decide to just say fuck it and see if Arthur will knight them anyway
they don’t know who it was that just handed them their asses
pretty sure
anyway they show up at Camelot and Arthur is like SURE WHATEVER BE MY KNIGHTS
WHO EVEN GIVES A SHIT
LIKE THERE WAS A POINT WHERE I WAS HOLDING TOURNAMENTS AND SHIT
TO SELECT ONLY THE BEST AND MOST SKILLFUL KNIGHTS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD
BUT NOW I PRETTY MUCH JUST KNIGHT WHOEVER THE FUCK WALKS IN HERE
and then at the same moment those squires come back from King Pellam’s place
like dude you’re not gonna believe this
remember how King Pellam used to be super pagan?
well i guess he decided he was gonna try and christian harder than you
because now he like won’t eat or fuck his wife
and women aren’t allowed in the castle in case he accidentally slips
and his dick goes inside of one of them
and he has like the spear the romans used to stab jesus and whatever
and when we showed up to ask for tribute he was like
I AM TOO HOLY TO PAY TRIBUTE
GO MAKE MY SON PAY YOU
and then his son was super pissed off
oh and PS there is like a fucking ghost horse that is riding all over the place
with a ghost knight on it
murdering dudes
and Arthur is like THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR AN UNTESTED KNIGHT
HEY BALAN YOU GOT THIS RIGHT?
and Balan is like yeah sure
hey Balin i’m gonna go try and find an invisible knight
try not to get too angry while i’m gone
i know you have anger problems
like that one time when you killed that guy
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP I’LL KILL YOU

so Balan leaves
and Balin is like OH MAN IT IS SO HARD TO NOT MURDER DUDES
WHAT IF SOMEONE LEAVES DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK
OR SOMEONE SNEEZES WRONG OR MISUSES AN APOSTROPHE
and Arthur is like dude
you seriously need to chill out
here
why don’t you follow Lancelot around and just try and be like him
so Balin follows Lancelot around
but Lancelot is just SO FUCKING GODDAMN FUCKING VIRTUOUS
(I’ve gotten some complaints that my blog doesn’t use the word “fuck enough
so I’m working on that)
and Balin is like shit man i cannot be that virtuous
this dude has a crazy amount of virtue
OH WAIT I KNOW
MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE HE IS AROUND GUENEVERE SO MUCH
MAN IF I WAS AROUND A CHICK THAT HOT ALL THE TIME
I WOULD BE AS VIRTUOUS AS A SACK FULL OF POPES
so he comes up with this crazy scheme
which is if he can get the queen to let him paint her crown on his shield
it will constantly remind him of how fucking virtuous he is supposed to be
even though the point of shields is that you hold them pointing AWAY FROM YOU
and when you aren’t using them
you usually wear them ON YOUR BACK
not a lot of times when you are just hanging out staring at your shield
so as far as plans go this is not one of the best ones
but then again maybe his judgment is clouded by his CONSTANT RAGE

so he takes his shitty plan to Arthur and Guenevere and they’re like sure
whatever
so he paints the crown royal on his shield
and everyone is cheering for him
support group style
and he sees the dude who he stabbed in the brain earlier
and he is like HOW DARE HE CHEER FOR ME I BETTER STAB HIM IN THE oh wait
no nevermind
i’m a better man now
I’M A BETTER FUCKING MAN NOW OK

so instead he goes running to some bower
which is like a cross between a garden and a tower
just kidding i have no idea what a bower is
but anyway he’s hanging out there punching bricks and grinding his teeth
when Guenevere and Lancelot come wandering by
having one of those conversations teenage couples always seem to be having
where they are sitting on a curb
looking extremely serious
and aggressively taking offense at everything the other person says
please tell me i was not the only person who had these conversations
anyway Balin overhears this conversation and he’s all WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
I CAN’T PROCESS WHAT IS GOING ON HERE
BETTER RUN AWAY FROM CAMELOT
AND GO TRY AND FIND THAT INVISIBLE KNIGHT MY BRO IS CHASING

so OFF HE GOES
and pretty soon he is in king Pellam’s territory
and he sees a woodcutter so he just comes charging out of the woods and slices the dude’s axe in half like HAHA FUCKER THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
and the woodcutter is like uh wow
well i mean maybe you could put that sword to good use
and kill the invisible knight who has been murdering dudes around here
and Balin is like I BET IT’S NOT AN INVISIBLE KNIGHT AT ALL
I BET IT’S SOME DUDE PRETENDING TO BE AN INVISIBLE KNIGHT
and the dude is like well that’s possible
but i mean he’d still have to be invisible
and a knight
because like
you can’t see him
and he’s a knight
so uh
it really doesn’t make much of a difference does it
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I’LL KILL YOU AAAAA
and gallops away
at which point the invisible knight kind of halfassedly attacks him
and then Balin tries to chase him but he charges SO HARD
he stabs a tree with his lance and his lance EXPLODES and he flies off his horse
and then he goes running to king Pellam’s castle

so everyone at Pellam’s place is like WHY IS THERE A CROWN ON UR SHIELD
and Balin is like cuz i’m from King Arthur’s court
and i have mad respect for Guenevere
and so Garlon
King Pellam’s asshole son
is like WELL WE DON’T
I HEAR SHE’S A HUGE SLUT
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I’M GONNA KILL no wait ok calm down Balin
just settle down
check your watch
is it murdertime?
no
no it is never murdertime Balin
murdertime is not a real time that they put on watches
no matter how sweet that would be
now sit down and eat your mutton
and then they finish eating in strained silence and Balin goes off to bed

but then in the morning Balin is walking past Garlon
and Garlon is like HOW ABOUT I PUSH MY LUCK BY CALLING GUENEVERE A SLUT AGAIN
and Balin is like TIME FOR MY SIGNATURE MOVE
SWORD TO THE BRAINPAN
and then everyone is trying to kill him
but he runs away on his horse
and also STEALS THE LANCE THAT WAS USED TO STAB JESUS
so THAT’S special
but then he gallops his horse so hard that it PASSES OUT
and he flies off the horse
and he is lying face down in the dirt
and some chick comes along singing this weird poem about the fires of heaven
and she is like hey dude wake up
you look like a knight of the round table
you know because you are face down in the dirt with an injured horse
look there’s some dude who is all up on my ovaries
and i am trying to not bang him
so if you could grant me protection at Camelot that would be sweet
and Balin is like NO I AM NOT A KNIGHT ANYMORE
I HAVE TOO MANY ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES
WHY JUST MOMENTS AGO I STABBED A DUDE IN THE BRAIN
AND THIS IS NOT EVEN THE FIRST TIME I HAVE DONE THAT
I NEVER LEARNED TO USE MY WORDS
I HAVE TOTALLY VIOLATED THE NAME OF SAINTLY PURE VIRGINAL GUENEVERE
and the damsel is like bitch please
Guenevere is about as pure as a gloryhole in a train station bathroom
i hear she fucked some dudes
and this chick is lying through her teeth by the way
but Balin remembers that little tiff he saw lancelot and guenevere having
and he is like OH GOD IT’S TRUE
IT’S SO TRUE
I’m
I’m so
SO ANGRY
so he starts screaming and stomping on his shield
OBVIOUSLY
that’s what ANY SANE PERSON WOULD DO
and who happens to hear his one-man concert of crazy?
WHY HIS BROTHER BALAN OF COURSE
WHO HAS STILL FAILED TO FIND THE INVISIBLE KNIGHT
BECAUSE HERE’S A FUN FACT
THE KNIGHT IS FUCKING INVISIBLE
but so Balan hears his brother screaming and stomping
and he’s like OH SNAP
THAT MUST BE THE INVISIBLE KNIGHT
MURDERING SOME DUDE
so he charges into that clearing
and sees Balin stomping on a shield with the Crown Royal on it
and he’s like I’MA KILL YOU FOR DOING THAT
and Balin is like I’MA KILL YOU FOR TRYING TO STOP ME FROM DOING THAT
and they charge each other
and Balin actually RIDES HIS HORSE TO DEATH
and then they both LANCE EACH OTHER TO DEATH
and the damsel
who was really just some spiteful bitch the whole time
is like haha wow
lotta death huh
well i’m gonna just move right along now
I think she is banging Garlon
and I think Garlon might be the invisible knight
like he learned some tricks for being invisible from a magic asshole or something
but honestly none of that is satisfactorily resolved
all that is resolved
is as they are both dying
Balin and Balan realize who they both are
and they’re like aw
what the fuck
and then they both die

so the moral of the story
is some people are just always gonna be angry
and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it
so when you identify those people
try not to be brothers with them
or failing that
at least try to not joust them

THE END.

Even Tristram’s NAME is Sad

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18

Hey first of all guys
here is some bad news
I have only sold 9 crossdressing shirts so far
which means that people need to buy thirty-one more shirts
in the next EIGHT DAYS
or else I can’t get them screenprinted
so i mean
this doesn’t have to be bad news
just steal your friends’ credit cards
and go to this page
and buy like a million shirts
and problem solved

but anyway enough of that
IT’S SADNESS TIME

so there’s this dude Tristram right
and he is one saaaaaaaaaad motherfucker
he is like running around
accidentally killing knights who try to joust with him
because he is the best knight ever
besides Lancelot but whatever
I like to think of him as the green ranger to Lancelot’s black ranger
or was it white ranger
which was the one that the green ranger like turned into later
who was super great?
hold on shit maybe Galahad is the black ranger
look fuck those guys BLUE RANGER FOREVER
(Sir Gawaine is the Blue Ranger
shit no wait sir Gawaine isn’t a fucking nerd)
ANYWAY

so Tristram becomes a knight of the round table pretty easy
cuz of how great he is
and then King Arthur is like OK TRISTRAM
THERE IS THIS DOUCHEBAG KING MARK DOWN IN CORNWALL
HE IS REFUSING TO SWEAR FEALTY TO ME AND ALSO HE IS YOUR UNCLE
GO MAKE HIM DO THE FEALTY THING
and Tristram is like ok
and he goes to cornwall

so he gets to cornwall
and he is like hey dude got any fealty?
and King Mark is like sorry nephew
i am kinda using it all on this asshole king ANGUISH OF IRELAND
is becoming an evil king kind of like becoming a pope
where they give you an all-new totally sweetradical name when you get kinged?
I think it is
but yeah basically king Anguish of Ireland keeps threatening Mark
with this huge giant he has called the Morholt
and basically Anguish is just like hand over all your bitches and riches
or else morholt will come and fuck them
also probably most of your farm animals
and your palace walls for good measure
so Tristram is like alright dude
how about I just go kill the Morholt in single combat
and Mark is like are you a fucking idiot
and Tristram is like YUP

so he challenges the Morholt to single combat on an island
and when he arrives at the island he sets his boat on fire
because he is like ONLY ONE OF US WILL LEAVE ALIVE
and then the morholt immediately starts trying to chop off pieces of him
but sir tristram just proceeds to steadily ruin him
by repeatedly chopping off whatever part of him is closest to the ground
until he is dead
like those cactuses in mario
and Tristram is pretty fucking wounded at this point
so he climbs into the Morholt’s boat
and he just drifts to Ireland
where he gets picked up by this good witch called Brangwain
who is like oh snap a hot knight
lemme bring him to my mistress and WE CAN REBUILD HIM

AND THEY DO
also
Brangwain’s mistress?
her name is LA BELLE ISOLD
SERIOUSLY GUYS
“PRETTY”
IS RIGHT IN HER FUCKING NAME
JUST LIKE “HORRIBLE SADNESS” IS RIGHT IN TRISTRAM’S NAME
THEY ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER
and in fact that is exactly what they discover
while Isold is nursing tristram back to health
they sing to each other all the time and it’s great
BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM
which is that La Belle Isold is King Anguish’s daughter
and the Morholt was king Anguish’s BRO
and Tristram killed the morholt SO HARD
that he left a big chunk of his sword in that motherfucker’s NECK
so when the morholt’s limbs all start washing up on shore
eventually king Anguish gets ahold of the swordchunk
and Isolde figures out that it belongs to tristram
and she is like OH YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH YOU KILLED MY UNCLE
and tristram is like fuck i gotta get out of here

so he goes back to cornwall and guess what emotion he is feeling
THAT’S RIGHT
SADNESS
and king mark is like chill out nephew
i have no idea why you are so sad
but here’s what i’m going to do
i’m going to marry king Anguish’s daughter
LA BELLE ISOLD
it’s a political thing and also i hear she’s pretty hot
why don’t you just go grab her for me and bring her back here
and Tristram is like BOO HOO BOO
but so he goes back to Ireland

so he gets there and is like don’t kill me for killing your bro please
and Anguish is like fuck it whatever
Mark wants to marry my daughter right?
let’s DO THIS
and Isold is like AAAAA WHY ARE YOU BACK I WANT TO KILL YOU
and Tristram is like I totally wanna bang you still dammit
and Isold is like hey Brangwain give me some poison
so i can kill tristram and me with it when we are on the boat back to Cornwall
and Braingwain is like how about instead i prank you
by making a love potion instead of the poison
and Isold is like OH MAN WHAT A GREAT IDEA BECAUSE NOW I AM IN LOVE WITH TRISTRAM
and Tristram also drinks the love potion and then they TOTALLY START MAKING OUT
and also singing to each other and do a bunch of pansy shit like that

so then they get back to Cornwall
and suddenly it is problem city
i mean actually it is still called Cornwall
but it is definitely a city full of problems
actually really mainly just one problem
which is that Mark is totally gonna marry Isold
but Isold wants to bone the shit out of Tristram
and also have nothing to do with Mark’s junk
but they get married anyway
except then on the wedding night
instead of doing the nuptial sex-joust with King Mark
Isolde drugs him with a potion that makes him pass out
and THINK he spent the whole night banging Isold
and then she stuffs him in a closet and tristram climbs in through the window
and they bonk til dawn

THIS GOES ON
FOR YEEEEEEEEARS
and the whole time there is this shitty fucking dwarf named Frocin
who is trying to prove to king mark that Tristram and Isolde are crotchmashin’
but it is a hilarious comedy of errors involving a lot of falling out of trees
and off of ladders
and trying to catch footprints in flour but then it rains
and the flour looks like birdshit instead of flour
but then they bake it into biscuits to prove that it was flour after all
but now they just have a bunch of biscuits that look like turds
so i’m not sure what that accomplished
just including it for the sake of completeness
ANYWAY
one time Mark ALMOST catches them doin’ it
but tristram gets away
but the bed is still warm
and Mark is like you know what
fuck this
FUCK this
I am going to employ some shady magical bullshit to figure all this out
ISOLD I AM SUBJECTING YOU TO THE TEST OF THE HOT METAL RODS

now the test of the hot metal rods is not as sexy as it sounds
basically what it is is they heat up some rebar in a fire
and then they ask you a question
and then you answer the question and you pick up the rods
and if you are lying your hands catch on fire
or i mean
also if you are not lying your hands catch on fire
it is a pretty foolproof test if what you are trying to do is prove someone is lying
but oh yeah also Tristram kind of has to run away from the castle
cause soldiers are looking for him and shit
but he doesn’t wanna miss isold’s hands gettin’ burnt
so he gets some shitty peasant clothes and puts them on over his armor
and he shows up to the burneytimes
and he sees isolde on the way there
about to have to cross a river
and in order to cross the river she would have to get her nice dress TOTALLY SOGGY
so he pops out of the woods like HERE MADAME LEMME CARRY YOU OVER THIS SHIT
and he does
and then she goes to get her hands burned
and the testing dudes are like HEY ISOLD
DID YOU FUCK AROUND ON YOUR HUSBAND
and Isolde is like I swear
the only dude besides King Mark who’s ever touched me
is that dude who just helped me across the river
and then she grabs the metal rods
and is TOTALLY PROTECTED BECAUSE SHE WAS TECHNICALLY NOT LYING
WAY TO GO METAL RODS
WAY TO FUCK UP ON A TECHNICALITY
at which point king mark is like aw honey
I’m so fucking apologetic about this shit
let’s go home and have us a FEAST
and someone find tristram and tell him i’m not trying to kill him anymore

so back at the castle Tristram goes to see Isold in her room
and they’re both like shit that was close huh
and then Isold is like let’s celebrate our narrow escape by BANGING RIGHT NOW
and then king Mark is like OH MAN I AM SO SORRY I DOUBTED MY WIFE
BETTER GO GIVE HER A BIG HUG
RIIIIIIGHT NOW
and so of course he walks in on tristram
doing the hokey pokey
with just his penis
and Mark’s wife
so he immediately starts CHOKING ON RAGEBILE
and tristram and Isold are like OOOOHHHHHHH FUCKKKKK
and they run away
and live in the forest
and Tristram gets all wounded by the fucking ARMY that Mark sends after them
and they have to live in a cave
which is full of a dragon
which tristram kills
and gets wounded some more in the process
and it sucks

but Isold decides to be a fucking badass
and makes a bow and hunts some animals
and makes blood soup and nurses Tristram back to health
at which point he makes a BETTER bow and kills MORE animals
and they start having a pretty legitimate happy existence up in here
and meanwhile King Mark kind of gives up trying to find them
but then one day he is chasing a boar or something
and he accidentally finds tristram and isold taking a nap in their cave
and he is like aw fuck
do i kill them?
i’d feel pretty shitty about it if I did
how about instead i just leave my sword right here and tiptoe back to my castle

so then Tristram wakes up
and he sees the sword and he is like FUCK BALLS
BETTER TAKE THIS SHIT BACK TO KING MARK AND SUBMIT MYSELF TO HIS MERCY
and Isold is like what why would you do that
we’ve got a good thing going here
and Tristram is like I CAN’T STAND BEING HAPPY
JESUS WOMAN WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME YET
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OR SOMETHING
so they go back to Cornwall
and Tristram is like yo dude i’m sorry i stole your wife
and King Mark is like it’s cool dude i’m not even gonna punish you
so uh
you have a couple options
you can leave with Isold again or you can just leave
and Tristram is like LEMME GO AHEAD AND PICK THE OPTION THAT WILL MAKE ME SADDER
and Isold is like fuck god dammit what shit cocks asshole fuck cocks cocks ass
and then tristram leaves and kills a fuckton of monsters and cries a lot

BUT THEN ONE DAY
AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT
TRISTRAM KILLS A WHOLE BUNCH MORE DUDES
that isn’t the lucky part actually
honestly at this point in the story
it’s pretty much expected that Tristram will kill all the dudes
because like i said the only dude who is better than him is Lancelot
and Lancelot is busy concealing his penis in Guenivere so that fight isn’t happening
no no see the lucky part
is once Tristram has once again killed all the dudes
the king whose ass he just saved is like hey bro
do you wanna marry my sister
and he wheels out his sister who LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD ISOLD
and guys
guess what her name is
ISOLD OF THE WHITE HANDS
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SOMEONE WENT BACK IN TIME AND CLONED HER
AND THEN TELEPORTED HER TO THE PRESENT
MAYBE FUTURE TRISTRAM DID THIS IN AN ATTEMPT TO RECAPTURE HIS LOST YOUTH
IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF A MEGASWEET DOCTOR WHO/KING ARTHUR CROSSOVER FANFIC?
no no wait it’s just a coincidence sorry
but anyway Tristram is like shit yeah i’ll marry this chick
and they get hitched
but then i guess Tristram gets turned off
by the idea of banging a pubescent clone of the one and only love of his life
/if he got laid he wouldn’t be sad anymore and he can’t have that
so he goes a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR without banging this chick
who, let us remember, is ABNORMALLY HOT
even if she is jailbait
but anyway Isold of the White Hands’s brother
whose name is Kaherdin by the way
finds out about this and is like HOW DARE YOU NOT FUCK MY SISTER
NOW WE MUST KUNG FU FIGHT
BUT WITH SWORDS AND NO KUNG FU
and Tristram is like fuck it whatever
if that’s what you wanna do let’s do it
and then Kaherdin is like hold on how about we think about this for a second
WHAT
PEOPLE THINKING BEFORE MURDERING EACH OTHER
I THOUGHT I WAS READING SOME KING ARTHUR SHIT
NOT U.N. RESOLUTION #1401B
but yeah Kaherdin is like you’re not boning my sister
cuz you really wanna bone some other chick you can’t ever ever bone right?
and Tristram is like yup
and Kaherdin is like ok well let’s go see her and see if you still wanna bang her
so they go and they see her
and tristram still wants to bang her
and Kaherdin suddenly wants to bang Brangwain even though she is totally unhot
but when Kaherdin finds out tristram still wants to do Isold
(who looks old as shit now because sadness)
he’s like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
MY SISTER IS NUBILE AS FUCK
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE CRYPT KEEPER OVER THERE FOR
NOW WE MUST SERIOUSLY KUNG FU FIGHT
so they fight
and tristram doesn’t even try to defend himself
and then he gets mortally wounded

so Kaherdin is satisfied that he has defended his sister’s honor
but now he’s really bummed out that he has mortally wounded his best bro Tristram
so he is like DUDE DUDE
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO ASSIST YOU IN NOT DYING?
and Tristram is like yeah how about lemme see La Belle Isold
one more time before i die
i mean she actually healed me from mega illness before
so there is a legit reason for her to show up
also could you please drag me out onto the nearby cliffs
so i can watch for your ship to come back
and if you have La Belle Isold on board please put up a white flag
and if you do not please put up a black flag so i can waste no time killing myself
and Kaherdin is like NO PROBLEM DUDE

so Kaherdin goes back to Cornwall and gets Isold and Brangwain
and on the boat he is spitting MAD game at Brangwain and they totally hit it off
but meanwhile Isold of the White Hands is tending to Tristram’s wounds
and he is getting super delirious and he is like OH BTW
I ONLY MARRIED YOU CUZ YOU LOOK LIKE THIS CHICK ISOLD I LOVE WAY MORE THAN YOU
SHE IS ON HER WAY RIGHT NOW
I AM GOING BLIND FROM BLOOD LOSS COULD YOU PLEASE WATCH FOR THE BOAT
so obviously moody teenage Isold is not too pleased about this
and when Kaherdin’s boat finally shows up on the horizon
and Tristram is like WHAT COLOR IS THE SAIL WHAT COLOR IS IT HUH HUH
she is like
whatever color it is that means your fucking slut isn’t coming
uh i mean
black
and then Tristram’s heart FUCKING EXPLODES

so La Belle Isold gets off the boat
and sprints up onto the cliffs to where Tristram is at
just in time to see him spitting up blood and being as dead as possible
so of course then SHE dies
but it’s cool because then Brangwain and Kahardin get married
so at least SOMEONE is happy

so the moral of the story
is most people don’t even find ONE true love in their whole fucking lives
so if you get your true love handed to you on a silver platter
and then you elect to abandon her for abstract honor reasons
and then someone else hands you an EXACT DUPLICATE of your true love
no strings attached
and you proceed to alienate her by pining over the original version
WHO YOU ABANDONED
you deserve whatever happens

THE END