Pecos Bill Has a Wife Sometimes

So there’s this chick Slue-Foot Sue

first of all what the fuck does that mean
i looked up slue on the internet
and the dictionary says it means
TO TURN SHARPLY OR VEER
so i guess slue-foot sue is short for like
Sue with the really shitty ankles?

but guys
her ankles aren’t shitty at all
in fact the day pecos bill meets her
she is using her ankles
to ride a GIANT CATFISH DOWN THE RIO GRANDE
holding on with one hand
using the other hand to constantly fire a pistol
AT THE CLOUDS
AND SHE IS ACTUALLY KILLING CLOUDS GUYS
NO ONE KNOWS HOW SHE WAS DOING THIS

so of course pecos bill sees the only chick in the world
just as batshit fucking insane as he
and is like OH BABY LET’S GET MARRIED
and slue foot sue
being batshit insane
says YESSSSSSSS

So they get married the next day
slue foot sue is wearing one of those big hoop skirts
remember that because it is super important later
anyway
right after the wedding
sue is like
HEY PECOS HEY PECOS
LET ME RIDE YOUR HORSE
YOU KNOW
THE ONE CALLED WIDOWMAKER
and pecos bill is like hey wife
what are you crazy
and sue is like YES OF COURSE
and pecos bill is like but the horse is called widowmaker
because he makes widows
like
married men get onto my horse
and then the horse kills them
with his insane bucking action
i don’t even know why i ride this horse honestly
i guess as an effective anti-theft measure
and slue-foot sue is like
WELL IM NOT A MARRIED MAN
IM A MARRIED WOMAN
LET ME RIDE THE PONY
so pecos bill is like fine
and sue gets on the horse
and the horse
immediately bucks her into the stratosphere
i am not speaking figuratively
she actually flies into the stratosphere
up among the clouds
which are still pissed cause she shot them
but then i guess gravity gets off its ass
and decides to do something
cause she comes back down
but then her GIANT HOOP SKIRT
acts like a GIANT POGO STICK
and bounces her back into the sky
and this keeps happening
for FOUR DAYS
while everyone watches and tries to figure out what to do
and she keeps hitting her head on the moon
and crying
it is pretty hilarious

anyway after 4 days
all the dudes at the wedding decide
that she is NEVER GOING TO SLOW DOWN EVER
despite the fact that she really should
considering gravity
and friction
and all those other piddly laws of physics
so pecos bill shoots her
to put her out of her misery
and then goes on to marry a steady train of other women forever
leaving slue foot sue’s corpse to apparently bounce forever

moral of the story:
learn physics
it might save your wedding

The End.

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5 thoughts on “Pecos Bill Has a Wife Sometimes

  1. "Slue-foot: When you kick someone's legs out from beneath them from behind. Usually when you are standing next to them, using your elbow on their chest to push back as you kick their legs forward."

    Or so the internet tells me. I have no idea of the veracity of this definition.

    More videos forthcoming once I can get them to upload – I've got them recorded and cut and EVERYTHING. :( Stupid youtube. Stupid computer.

    -Beka

  2. I see you have the complete Pecos Bill..thing. Seems wrong to call it a myth cycle, somehow…

    Special thanks for covering the Death Scene, which has always been the best Hero Death ever- die happy and mocking others! Raaaah! Or, I suppose, Yeeha!

  3. Pingback: Billy the Kid is a Precocious Lad | Myths RETOLD

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