Percival is the manliest man ever to wear a dress

alright guys
just got commissioned to tell the story of the holy grail
by sexy action hero Chuck “The Joy of Killing” Manslaughter
but here is the problem my friends
THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF DUDES WHO ARE LOOKING FOR THE GRAIL
AND YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE
so for the next week or so
I am going to be telling you EXACTLY who those fuckers are
starting RIGHT NOW
with Percival

alright so Percival right

some people call him Parcifal or whatever
but those people have speech impediments
anyway this kid is the youngest son of this dude King Pellenor
(this shit is going to be RIFE with hyperlinks in a couple weeks)
and let me give you a quick rundown of Percival’s family tree
King Pellenor:
DEAD
His brother Tor:
KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE
his brothers Aglavale Lamorak and Dornar:
DITTO
his mother:
FREAKING THE FUCK OUT
she is like shit man
I am dishing out sons like clean needles to heroin junkies
SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP
oh I know
how about I raise my remaining son AS A WOMAN
THEN HE WILL NEVER BECOME A KNIGHT
DING DING PERFECT

so percival gets raised as a woman
he learns how to crochet and knit and embroider
and not use swords
and tuck in his balls
except then one day he is playing dolls with his sister
and he hears some shit going on outside the castle walls
and he is like WHOA WHAT IS THAT
and he climbs up and sees some fucking KNIGHTS
and he is like hey hey mom
what the fuck are those things they look AWESOME
and his mom is like uh er oh
those are angels
clearly
you get to be those when you die
so Percival runs over to his sister
and he is like hey sis
i need you to do me a favor
kill me with a rock so i turn into an angel
GREAT JOB PROTECTING YOUR SON FROM HARM SHITTYMOM
but luckily his sister is like ew no
what
and Percival is like FUUUUUUCK FINE
and proceeds to just sneak out of the castle
for the first time ever
to go see what these knights are all about

so he runs up to the knights and he hides in the bushes
which scares the shit out of everybody’s horses
and the knights are like WHOA HEY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A DRESS
ARE YOU GAY SON
IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE
and percival is like what
i expected angels to yell less
and the knights are like SON WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
WE ARE KNIGHTS WE MURDER SHIT
and percival is like oohhhh okay
so i’ve been lied to by my mom i guess
hey can I also be a knight?
and they are like WELL NO YOU’RE STILL LIKE 12
BUT COME HIT US UP WHEN YOU GROW PUBES
YOU CAN TOTALLY BE A KNIGHT AT THAT JUNCTURE

so percival goes back home
and his mom is like where the fuck were you
and percival is like nevermind that
as soon as I am a man i’m gonna be a knight
LOOKS LIKE YOU FUCKED UP PROTECTING ME WOMAN
and his mom is like fuck shit fuck
but then she’s like no calm down shittymom
you can handle this
all you gotta do
is keep telling him he’s twelve years old
FOREVER
HE’LL TOTALLY BELIEVE ME WHAT A FOOLPROOF PLAN

so she proceeds to do this for YEARS AND YEARS
until Percival is 16
which is the agreed upon age
at which dudes can just start murdering each other
at which point some random asshole knight
just shows up
kicks down the gates of the castle
and prepares to rape the shit out of Percival’s mom and sister
and percival shows up
remember
he is still wearing a dress
and the evil knight is like WHOA YOU ARE AN UGLY BITCH
and percival is like am i really
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH TARTNUGGET
and percival is like could a really ugly bitch
pick you up bodily and throw you over the castle walls
such that you EXPLODE INTO SEVERAL PIECES
and the evil knight doesn’t say anything
because it is hard to say things when you are exploded into pieces

so then percival unties his sister and his mom
and he’s like hey mom
i think i might be an adult now
i mean i just murdered a dude and everything
but his mom is like no son that wasn’t even a big deal what you just did
and percival is like well what about my moustache
and his mom is like no son that is a skin disease
and this creates for percival some SERIOUS BODY IMAGE ISSUES

and then some MORE time passes
and one day percival and his mom and sister are all knitting or whatever
and a fucking COCKATRICE shows up
GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT A COCKATRICE IS?
I BARELY EVEN FUCKING KNOW
SOME KIND OF LIKE
PARALYZING ACID BIRD?
DOES IT TURN YOU TO STONE?
DOES IT MELT YOU?
IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU TRUST THOMAS BERGER
OR DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS
AND I WOULD NOT TRUST THOMAS BERGER WITH ANYTHING
HE IS AN EXCEEDINGLY SKETCHY GUY
but anyway it doesn’t matter
because percival just tears a TREE out of the ground
turns it into a spear
then THROWS IT INTO THAT MOTHERFUCKER’S EYE
and while the cockatrice is like crying and bleeding acid
percival turns to his mom and sister
like guys
i think i am probably a man at this point
that felt pretty manly what i just did
and his mom is like NO SON THAT WAS JUST A DOG
and percival is like BITCH I HAVE SEEN DOGS BEFORE
I AM GOING TO GO BE A KNIGHT NOW SO JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT
and he leaves
and presumably
since he is no longer at home to protect them
his mom and sister proceed to get eaten by a fucking chimera

so the first thing that happens on the road
is percival is walking along
STILL IN A DRESS MIND YOU
HE DID NOT THINK TO TRY AND LOOT SOME MANCLOTHES
FROM THE FUCKING CASTLE HE LIVES IN
anyway he comes across a tinker
and he’s like dude what’s good
and the tinker is like HAHAHA YOU FUCKING SODOMITE
and percival picks him up bodily and shakes him a little
and then is like dude i just need to know where to sell my clothes
which are made of gold and silk and shit
and the tinker is like uh well oh
just give those to me
and i will give you my shitty wagon full of worthless tin
and also this donkey I ride around on
and percival is like CAN DEALS GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?

so the tinker goes off to sell the fuck out of percival’s shit
and meanwhile percival makes some shitty armor out of all the tin
and then he makes some shitty weapons out of the wagon
and then he can’t even ride the donkey cause he’s too heavy
meanwhile the tinker gets arrested in the next town
because everyone is like you total prick
i bet you stole that shit
but then it’s ok because percival shows up
and is like guys it’s cool he’s not a thief i’m just stupid
and everyone is like oh ok
let’s believe the dude with the potlid for a hat
THUS PERCIVAL RIGHTS HIS FIRST WRONG
PERCIVAL: ULTIMATE KNIGHT?

anyway then pretty quick after that
he finds a damsel in distress
she’s chained up in a shack
and he just snaps the chains by kind of looking at them funny
and then the evil knight who put her there shows up
and is like ok dude
you look like a fucking clown
so here’s what we’re going to do
you tell me some jokes
and for each one that is funny
i will give you a gold coin
and then for each one that is not funny
you get to eat some shit from my horse
sound fair?
and percival is like how about I kill you instead
and the knight is like NOT FUNNY
LET ME GET SOME HORSESHIT FOR YOU TO EAT
and then percival is like dude now you have shit on your hands
you’re going to die with shit on your hands
that’s embarassing
and then he proceeds to kill him and take all his possessions

BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM
all of that evil knight’s possessions
INCLUDES that damsel in distress
and it turns out that damsel is bitch of the year TEN YEARS RUNNING
she is constantly complaining about the dust and the heat
and gnats and flies
and like the lack of color television and bullet trains
but percival is such a nice dude
he just keeps trying to make her happy
while she tries to make him AS MISERABLE AS POSSIBLE
but at least when they bed down for the night
after forcing percival to build her a shelter
and then sleep outside in the rain
in his armor
WHICH IS THE ONLY CLOTHES HE HAS
she does invite him inside and have sex with him
although to be honest percival has no idea what’s going on
he’s just kind of like whoa what
what are you doing
stop moving around so much
whoa now
hey there
WE HAVE DIFFERENT SHAPED GENITALIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THEM
and then the day after
when some piece of shit lesser knight
who is somehow from the round table
insults percival and then tries to kill him
and percival just kind of snaps his arm in half
this worthless bitch of a damsel is like welp
this guy is clearly more of an asshole than you are percival
i guess I better start fucking HIM now
and percival finally doesn’t have to deal with her shit anymore

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE HAS NO SHIT TO DEAL WITH
no pretty much this whole story
is a great big deluge of shit
a torrential downpour of feces
laser targeted on percival
but luckily
PERCIVAL SEEMS TO BE MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF UMBRELLAS
anyway the next thing that happens
is percival is like about to get to camelot
when Lancelot sees him
now see lancelot is out in the orchards of Camelot
boning the shit out of King Arthur’s Wife Guenevere
(more on that later)
when he sees Percival wearing that sweet armor
that he stole from that other prick earlier
but see the problem with this armor
is that on the shield
there is a picture of a unicorn MURDERING A LION
GUYS I DIDN’T KNOW UNICORNS COULD MURDER LIONS
SUDDENLY I AM WONDERING ABOUT OTHER THINGS
CAN CUPCAKES BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF DINOSAURS?
CAN RAINBOWS MURDER THE PRESIDENT?
anyway Lancelot actually has two problems with this picture
problem one: Lancelot’s favorite animal is Lions
problem two: the unicorn reminds him of his erectile dysfunction
so BOOM
suddenly it is fight time
here are our contestants:
Lancelot
greatest knight in the world
versus Percival
dude who just stopped wearing dresses yesterday
BUT GUESS WHO WINS
YES IT IS PERCIVAL
BECAUSE THIS IS A STORY ABOUT PERCIVAL
I WILL TELL YOU STORIES WHERE LANCELOT WINS THINGS ANOTHER TIME
yeah i don’t know how he does it
i mean it’s not like he has sword training or anything
the closest he has is embroidery training
and that isn’t close at all
but he somehow manages to just romp and stomp Lancelot
up to the point where he fucking knocks the sword out of Lancelot’s hands
at which point Percival is like whoa timeout
and Lancelot is like what?
you’re not going to kill me or anything?
and Percival is like dude you were winning
i think you just accidentally dropped your sword or something
and Lancelot is like I LIKE A DUDE WHO PLAYS TO MY BRUISED EGO
COME LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO KING ARTHUR

so lancelot takes Percival over to Arthur’s place
and Arthur is like who is this asshole
and Lancelot is like his name is percival
you should just go ahead and knight him right away
trust me
and arthur
who is pretty senile at this point in the story
is like yeah sure whatever
and he knights percival
and then percival is like sweet so i’m a knight now
got any quests?
and arthur is like hm shit
we kind of ran out of quests
back when I ERADICATED ALL CRIME IN ENGLAND
basically what all the knights are doing now
is looking for the Holy Grail
i’m not even entirely sure what that thing is
or where it is
or even if it exists
but they’re all out looking for it
basically because there isn’t much else to do
so how about you do that?
and Percival is like THAT SOUNDS AMAZING
and THAT is how Percival starts questing for the Grail

So the moral of the story
is you should make all your male children wear dresses
and lie to them repeatedly about their age
it will make them THE ULTIMATE FIGHTERS

THE END

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11 thoughts on “Percival is the manliest man ever to wear a dress

  1. Here's one vote for Navajo myths! Hero Twins, Talking God, etc. They sound pretty cool. Their creation myth is pretty awesome too.

    I look forward to the rest of the Grail! 🙂

  2. The imagery of the lion and the unicorn dates back to 1603 when James VI of Scotland (with two unicorns on its coat of arms) became James I of England (with two lions). Compromise: the British coat of arms has one of each.

    There is a poem:

    The lion and the unicorn
    Were fighting for the crown
    The lion beat the unicorn
    All around the town.

    Some gave them white bread,
    And some gave them brown;
    Some gave them plum cake
    and drummed them out of town.

    All of which makes 10x less sense once you remember that Camelot is (probably) in WALES.

  3. I love this, but I find it a little hard to read. I wonder if reading this type of shit in the future will be like reading Shakespeare for us.

  4. I’m sure this will be like dropping a coin in a long-dry well, given the age of this column, but I read this bit:

    So the moral of the story
    is you should make all your male children wear dresses
    and lie to them repeatedly about their age
    it will make them THE ULTIMATE FIGHTERS

    And suddenly I have “A Boy Named Sue” running through my head.

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