Phrixus has the pimpest ride

Alright

So remember a long long LONG time ago
when I told you I would tell you
where the golden fleece is from?
well guess what
TODAY IS FINALLY THAT DAY WHERE I DO THAT

so there’s this dude Phrixus right
god i really want to spell his name Phryxis
so THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE SPELLED NOW
so Phryxis
like most greeks
is the son of a king and a goddess
specifically some bit character goddess named Nephele
goddess of clouds
seriously why do you need a goddess of clouds
you already have a god of wind
(Aeolus)
and a god of water
(Poseidon)
and a god of fucking THUNDERSTORMS
(Zeus!)
SO WHAT IS THERE LEFT FOR NEPHELE TO DO?
well apparently get knocked up
and then abandon her kid
to be raised by her mortal husband and his evil second wife
Ino

now get ready for the shock of the century
you see Ino
DOES NOT LIKE PHRYXIS VERY MUCH
neither does she like Phryxis’s twin sister
Helle
whose name disappointingly does not rhyme with her brother’s at all
and Ino comes up with this CRAFTY PLOT
(read: incredibly convoluted tomfoolery)
to make Phryxis and his sister dead
what she does
is she collects all the seeds in the entire kingdom
and she BAKES THEM
rendering them useless
so when the peasants go to plant them
they are like oh what the fuck is THIS
now we are going to starve to death
what do we do
oh I know
let’s go see the oracle at delphi
BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY

so they go and see the oracle
and Ino meets them on the way back and bribes them
like hey
here’s some cured ham and some dildos
tell everyone the oracle said to kill my stepchildren
wait hold on
THAT’s her plan?
what if no one had decided to go to the oracle?
what then?
sit at home and starve to death?
and actually, she’s going to starve to death either way
EVERYONE is going to starve to death
BECAUSE SHE RUINED ALL THE CROPS FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR
and even on top of that
she probably didn’t even need to bribe those farmers to lie
because the oracle ONLY says things that result in families disintegrating
and/or people dying horribly
no matter how you look at it
this is a horrible plan
this is a worse plan
than playing chicken with a rhino
ass first

Ino’s shitty plan works perfectly
everyone is like welp i guess we need to kill some children
that’s always solved our agricultural problems in the past
but just then i guess Nephele gets tired of being a shitty mom
and sends a golden sheep to her kids’ rescue
now a golden sheep does not sound particularly useful in this situation
or really in any situation at all imaginable ever
unless i guess you needed to knit a golden sweater
but no one needs to knit a golden sweater
just like no one NEEDS to get hornfucked by a rhinoceros
but this is not just any golden sheep
this is a golden sheep that can FLY
so Phryxis and Helle jump on its back
and they TAKE OFF

but all is not well
because apparently women are not designed
to fly on golden animals
that are themselves not designed to fly
because Helle passes out and drowns in the ocean
but who gives a shit because Phryxis makes it to Colchis
where there is this king Aeetes
and Aeetes is like sup dude
and Phryxis is like me
i am flying on a golden sheep
and you know what
I am so grateful not to be dead like my sister
i am going to kill it
and give you its skin
and then marry your daughter
and then father four of the dudes
who are going to come back here later
and steal your fleece
thus ending your empire
as per prophecy
and that is what happens in the argonautica

so the moral of the story
is beware of strangers bearing gifts
if the gift is a levitating farm animal
made of precious metals

the end.

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5 thoughts on “Phrixus has the pimpest ride

  1. fuck this.

    i am going to make my OWN DAMN MYTHS about really awesome ladies and it will be the dudes who fall off the golden sheeps for no reason whatsoever.

    • So basically, you’re gonna replace all badass mythical dudes with badass mythical chicks? So in your version, Beowulf, Hercules, and Cuchulain are all ladies? Because that sounds AWESOME.

  2. So, Worst of Perth right?
    Whoa fuuuuck, The Worst of Perth is like toootally on the blogroll. Well I am ALL Loki ALL the time, so it's only right.
    Thanks mate.

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