Prince Five-Weapons in the Land of Incredibly Descriptive Names

Here’s one I picked up while I was reading something else

(Don’t worry guys, I’ll get back to myths you already know and love on Thursday)
(Also, you should read this comic called Happle Tea if you don’t already
this guy’s interests definitely overlap with mine
and therefore, YOURS)

So there’s this guy named prince five-weapons
he has actually JUST NOW been named this
because he completed some kind of ridiculous five-weapon training
it seems to me that it might be a better use of one’s time
to just get five times better with one weapon
and then you don’t have to carry FIVE FUCKING WEAPONS ALL THE TIME
but that is not the way prince five-weapons thinks
so he completes his training
and his sensei loads him down with FIVE WEAPONS
and he sets off to go tell his dad
KING ELEVEN-WEAPONS
(that’s not his name I made that up)
about his shiny new weapons.

But here’s the problem:
between the prince and his dad
there is this HUGE JANKY FOREST
and that forest is filled with a HUGE JANKY OGRE
named STICKY-HAIR
and everyone is like noooo don’t go in that forest man
there is an ogre in there and maybe you should go around
and prince five-weapons is like oh poppycock
have you guys not seen my FIVE WEAPONS?
My weapons:
There are five of them
not counting my two ENORMOUS TESTICLES
and why would you count those as weapons?
they are tender and unwieldy and probably the weakest point on my whole body
seriously
balls suck
it’s like if tanks came equipped with a big button on the front that fed the driver to bears

ANYWAY
Prince Five-weapons just recklesses his way into the forest
and pretty soon he runs up on Sticky-hair the ogre
and sticky hair is like dude
didn’t anyone tell you to go around these woods?
and prince five weapons is like ONLY BASICALLY EVERYONE I MET
BUT THEN FIVE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE ADVISED ME TO IGNORE THEM
THESE FRIENDS TO WHICH I REFER
THEY ARE MY WEAPONS
OBSERVE:

so he busts out his bow and arrow
and he shoots a ton of arrows at this ogre
but they all just get stuck in the ogre’s hair
as his name might imply
hey, why is this ogre’s hair sticky, anyway?
I mean, I guess you get pretty lonely being an ogre in the woods
seeing as you have to eat anyone even remotely friendable or bangable or friendbangable
and then when you get lonely…
but i do not want to think about this anymore

so five-weapons keeps shooting Stickypubes with arrows
but they all just stick to his hair
which makes me wonder why five-weapons keeps shooting at his hair
unless this dude is like
seriously hairy
riding the pube-bus to armenian island or some shit

so when it becomes clear how much the arrows plan is failing
the prince busts out his SWORD
and he starts beating that against the ogre
but his SWORD get stuck
so he tries his SPEAR
and then when that gets stuck
he tries his CLUB
and uh
yeah, that gets stuck too

so the demon is like HEY PRINCE FIVE-WEAPONS
LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE OUT OF WEAPONS
AND IF YOU WERE COUNTING YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT YOU ONLY ACTUALLY HAVE 4 WEAPONS
and the prince is like DUDE
THE ARROWS AND THE BOW TOTALLY COUNT AS SEPARATE WEAPONS
and the ogre is like DUDE, NO THEY DON’T
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH AN ARROWLESS BOW
OR SOME BOWLESS ARROWS?
THOSE ARE SOME WEAK SHIT MY FRIEND
AND PLUS IF THEY REALLY DID COUNT AS SEPARATE WEAPONS THEN EACH ARROW WOULD COUNT SEPARATELY
AND YOU WOULD HAVE LIKE FIFTY BAZILLION WEAPONS OR SOMETHING
and the prince is like OKAY OKAY FINE THE FIFTH WEAPON IS MY FISTS
HOW ABOUT THAT
HOW ABOUT MY FISTS

so he runs up and punches stickyhair right in his sticky hair
so his fist gets stuck
so he uses his other fist
duh
then he uses his foot and his other foot
and then his head
holy shit this is starting to sound a lot like another story I know

but anyway now Prince Five-weapons is dangling from this ogre’s disgustingly sticky belly
and he’s still flailing around like COME ON
BRING IT
and the ogre is like whoa
I’m an ogre
eating stupid people is what I DO
but I ain’t NEVER met a dude as stupid as this
HE MUST BE HIDING SOMETHING
HEY DUDE, WHAT GIVES?
AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF DYING?
and the prince is like UMMM
NO?
I mean when you think about it
everybody’s gotta die sometime
and getting smashed by a suspiciously tacky fantasy monster while I writhe on his stomach
is a pretty rad way to die
way better than old age or lupus
PLUS
did I not tell you?
I have a lightning bolt in my stomach
and if you eat me it will give you WICKED INDIGESTION
like, pretty much the wickedest indigestion you can get
I am talking broomstick and cackles
bubble bubble
toil and trouble
wicked
fucking
stomach cramps

and the ogre is like OH SHIT THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE
ALRIGHT DUDE
I’M GONNA GO AHEAD AND BELIEVE YOU AND LET YOU GO
and the prince is like SWEET, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED
except honestly there was never any doubt
because what I forgot to tell you guys
is that prince five-weapons is actually THE BUDDHA IN A PREVIOUS INCARNATION
yup
you just got tricked
you and everyone else
because I told this story wrong

but so yeah
now that he’s free, Buddha turns the ogre into a friendly ghost
who hangs out by the entrance to the forest and solicits donations
and everyone avoids eye contact with him and shoves their hands deep in their pockets

so the moral of the story
is that there is an invincible weapon inside all of us
that can overcome all enemies
it is called lying.

THE END.

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