Prince Ivan Takes Dumb To the Next Level

Okay a couple things
first of all crossdressing shirts are now officially being made
by a dude named Vlad the Retailer
I don’t think that’s his real name
but actually if you live in LA he’ll probably stock them in his store too
(his store is called Vlad the Retailer)
then you can get them without paying shipping
and there will be a larger selection of colors
I’ll let you guys know when he actually gets them in stock
but this first batch of shirts should be ready on Tuesday

SECOND OF ALL I found a website where some dude draws shit
it’s pretty cool you guys might like it
check it out

THIRD OF ALL
HERE IS A MYTH

sweet tabasco soaked balls of the virgin mary this Ivan guy is retarded

basically ivan is the son of some Tsar or whatever
and he has 2 bros who are older than him
and his dad has a tree just COVERED in golden apples
everyone in myths seems to have these
the ancient world was just lousy with golden apples
what the fuck is the point of golden apples
i mean king midas has already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt
that you can’t eat gold
so come on

but apparently someone thinks these apples are pretty damn rad
because they are getting stolen faster than porn mags in a drugstore
(ok i’ve never actually seen porn mags in a drugstore
but i saw some kids do it in Cowboy Bebop once so it must be a thing)
and also the King thinks these apples are pretty rad
I mean obviously he does
otherwise why would he spend what i assume is a lot of money
growing and tending an inedible goldtree
so he flips the fuck out and stops eating
and then he calls his eldest son and he is like BOY
STAND BY MY APPLE TREE AND FIND OUT WHO IS STEALING MY APPLES
and the son is like sure dad whatever
so he goes and stands by the tree for HOURS
but then he gets tired
and passes out
and when he wakes up apples are gone
so he goes back to his dad like the little shit he is
and his dad is like SON WHO STOLE MY APPLES
and the kid is like man i dunno dad
I stayed awake ALL NIGHT and I didn’t see NUFFIN
I can’t offer any rational explanation for why that is because i’m actually lying
so the king figures maybe his next oldest son sucks less
so he tells him to do the same thing
and that jackass pulls the same bullshit
so the king is like UGH I’M ALL OUT OF SONS
TIME TO SCOOP UP THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL
AND USE MY IDIOT SON IVAN
so Ivan goes to watch the tree
and he is SUPER SERIOUS ABOUT KEEPING WATCH
he is so serious
that when he gets tired
he rubs some ice cold dew on his face
and maybe does a little meth
or whatever the russian version of meth is
vodka?
anyway he stays up all night and at like 4AM this fucking firebird shows up
no one ever explains what the firebird is
other than some piece of shit parakeet
that likes to get its grub on with the king’s apples
so i guess i take back what i said
apparently those apples are edible?
but so seeing as first of all it can fly
and second of all it’s made of FIRE
Ivan can’t really catch the bird
but he does manage to get one of its tailfeathers
and he brings that to the king like hey dad
look what my piece of shit brothers failed to figure out
and the king is like HOLY SHIT THE FIREBIRD
yeah apparently everyone knows what this thing is
this is apparently a thing people talk about all the time
but no one has any clue WHERE it is
because the next thing the king does is call all his sons together
and be like BOYS
GO GET ME SOME FIREBIRD
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO JUST GO EVERYWHERE
so everybody just gets on their horses
picks a direction
and starts riding
now correct me if I’m wrong
but don’t searches usually start with like
last known whereabouts?
for example
the tree that grows in their FUCKING BACK YARD
if it was me i might have tried hanging out and waiting for the bird there
for at least ONE NIGHT
before punching my horse in the ass to go scream at the peasantry about a fire animal
but hey i’m not in this story
and i’m pretty happy about that actually

so the next thing that happens is Ivan is riding along on his horse
and he comes to a field
and in the middle of the field
is an OBELISK OF DOOM
or really just a pillar
but the pillar is like yo
(not in words in writing)
if you go straight
you will be cold and hungry
so basically par for the course in this country
if you go left
you will live but your horse will die
if you go right
you will die but your horse will live
what the hell kind of horse fetishist picks option three?

so Ivan takes like an hour to read all this because he is none too smart
and he gets to the end and he’s like hm
fuck you horse
and he goes left
and he gets like TEN FEET
when a bigass grey wolf jumps out of nowhere
and it’s like DUDE
DIDN’T YOU READ THE SIGN
NOW I GOTTA KILL YOUR HORSE
and he fucking REAMS that horse
and then runs away
so then Ivan is walking along
getting real tired and hungry and cold
and the wolf shows up again
and it’s like aw man
I’m sorry I fucked you over dude
here how about I make it up to you
by magically solving all of your problems from now on
and Ivan is like sweet
you can start by helping me find the firebird
and the wolf is like OH MAN GOOD THING YOU RAN INTO ME
I’M THE ONLY DUDE IN THE WORLD WHO KNOWS WHERE IT IS FOR SOME REASON
FORGETTING THE FACT THAT ANYONE COULD JUST SEE IT FLYING AROUND
AND FOLLOW IT HOME
FUCK THAT LET’S GO

so Ivan hops on the wolf’s back and takes him to this castle
and he’s like alright dude
this is it
this is the place
all you gotta do is climb over the walls
the guards are asleep
which kind of defeats the purpose of guards
but yeah anyway just go inside and the bird will be in a totally unlocked cage
so just grab that bird and get the fuck out of there
just one thing though
DON’T TOUCH THE CAGE DUDE
JUST PRETEND YOU’RE PLAYING OPERATION
EXTRACTING THE SWOLLEN BIRDGLAND OR SOMETHING
so Ivan climbs over the wall
and he goes in and he grabs the bird
but here’s the thing
the cage is MADE OUT OF GOLD
and Ivan is super excited about this
i mean forget the fact that he grew up in a fucking palace
a palace where gold LITERALLY GROWS ON TREES
this cage is just TOO SHINY for his shriveled brain to deal with
so he grabs it
which sets off a buzzer
OBVIOUSLY
and then all the guards come
and the king is like DUDE
I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE JUST GIVEN YOU THE BIRD IF YOU’D ASKED
ME AND YOUR DAD ARE BUDDIES
WHICH MAKES IT EVEN WEIRDER
THAT THE WOLF IS THE ONLY DUDE WHO KNOWS WHERE THE BIRD IS
but yeah man i’m sorry I can’t just let you get away now
how about I let you off the hook
on the condition that you steal this GOLDEN MANED HORSE FOR ME
FROM SOME OTHER KING
so Ivan goes outside and explains this shit to the wolf
and the wolf is like IVAN
I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE CAGE
WHAT HAPPENED TO NOT TOUCHING THE CAGE IVAN
and Ivan is like dude I know I know
we had this plan
but then I got into the room
and the cage was so shiny
so i decided to start improvising
and the wolf is like fuck
fine
we better go get that horse then

so they go to the castle with the horse in it
and the wolf is like alright ivan
same deal as before
the guards are all asleep
the wall is like 2 feet high
the horse is totally unguarded and everything
all you gotta do
is NOT TOUCH THE BRIDLE
think you can do that?
and Ivan is like yeah yeah no problem
so he goes inside
and he gets to the horse
but that bridle is just SO SHINY
what’s he supposed to do
listen to the magic wolf who has not been wrong about anything ever so far?
FUCK THAT
he grabs the bridle
the alarm goes off
and the king shows up like DUDE
YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST ASKED ME
ME AND YOUR DAD PLAY GOLF TOGETHER
BUT LIKE THE RUSSIAN VERSION OF GOLF
SO LIKE
VODKA?
but shit dude now i gotta come up with some quest for you
so i don’t have to behead you
your dad would be pissed at me if I beheaded you
oh i know
i’ve been meaning to rape this other king’s daughter
can you hook a brother up with another brother’s daughter?
he’s not actually my brother that was just an expression
although if he was my brother I’d still prolly fuck his daughter
chick is HOTT

so Ivan goes outside and he’s like hey wolf we gotta go do another thing
and the wolf is like IVAN
BUDDY
DO YOUR HANDS HAVE LITTLE LIKE
BAD-DECISION POWERED ELECTROMAGNETS IN THEM
JUST YANKING THEM FULL SPEED INTO WHATEVER PROBLEMS COME YOUR WAY?
and Ivan is like dude listen
sometimes a man just has to fondle a shiny bridle
it’s not my fault this was one of those sometimes
and the wolf is like FUCK
FINE
LET’S GO GET THIS PRINCESS OR WHATEVER

so they go to the castle where the princess is
and the wolf is like alright
all the guards are asleep
the princess’s door is open
and she is already tied up in a shopping cart for ease of transport and
god dammit
you know what
fuck this
you just get as far away from here as possible
I’ll go get the princess myself and catch up with you
how about that
and Ivan is like what’s that I didn’t hear you
I found some poison ivy
and I was eating it so i wouldn’t accidentally step on it later
and the wolf is like KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING BUDDY

so the wolf kidnaps the princess
without ANY PROBLEMS
and then he catches up with Ivan
and Ivan gets on his back
but then Ivan seems pretty bummed out
and the wolf is like what’s wrong
and Ivan’s like I was just thinking
I really wanna bone this princess
but we gotta exchange her for a horse
I’ve already demonstrated that I don’t give a fuck about horses
so this is a really bad trade in my estimation
and the wolf is like don’t worry I got this covered
go hide the princess
then I will turn into the princess
and we will exchange me for the horse
and Ivan is like ok
so he hides the princess
who by the way does not express a SINGLE OPINION IN THIS ENTIRE STORY
pretty sure she doesn’t even say words
or like grunt
not actually sure she’s a person
but whatever apparently she’s hot
and then he exchanges the shapeshifting wolf for the horse
and rides away with the princess
and then the king goes to fuck the wolf
but then it’s not a princess it’s a wolf
and he’s like AHHHHH
NO ONE TOLD ME THE PRINCESS WAS A WEREWOLF
FUUUUUUCK
and then the wolf runs away and hooks up with Ivan again
I’m not sure why
all that happens when he hangs out with Ivan is Ivan fucks up and the wolf fixes it
like I feel like he’s already paid back Ivan for the horse he ate
and he didn’t even owe him that much
considering Ivan willingly rode his horse down a road that said YOUR HORSE WILL DIE
but anyway Ivan is riding along with the wolf and the princess and the horse
and he seems pretty bummed
and the wolf is like what’s up
and Ivan is like well I don’t really like it when my actions have consequences
so is there anyway you could make me not have to give the other king this horse?
and the wolf is like I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so the wolf turns into the horse
and Ivan hides the horse and the princess
and then gives the wolf to the king
and the king gives Ivan the firebird
and then goes to fuck his horse
but it’s not a horse it’s a wolf
and he’s like OH FUCK
NO ONE TOLD ME THIS HORSE WAS A WEREWOLF
AAAAA
and the wolf books it back to Ivan and they all ride away and it’s great

So Ivan is like gee, thanks wolf
and the wolf is like THIS IS AS FAR AS I GO
however I am going to end up bailing you out one more time
and Ivan is like yeah whatever
so then he rides a little ways and passes out under a tree
at which point his two shitty bros ride by
and they’re like oh snap Ivan has pretty much everything ever

let’s kill him and take it all
so they do
and that would have made an awesome ending for the story
BUT NOOOOOOO
the wolf has to show up again
and hold a blackbird’s baby hostage until it brings him magic water
or really just regular water and fizzy water
and he uses those things to bring Ivan back to life
and Ivan doesn’t even realize he was dead
but then the wolf catches up with the shitty bros and murders them
and Ivan regains all his stuff/women
and then goes home to his dad and is like yeah
so a wolf ate my horse and then i stole a bunch of shit and then my bros killed me
but it’s ok because a wolf ate them and I got the firebird and a horse and a woman
and the king is like I’m sad for a while
BUT NOW I’M OVER IT BECAUSE MY SON IS GETTING MARRIED
TO A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF A WOMAN WITH NO OPINIONS

so the moral of the story
is mistakes don’t have consequences
that’s what magic wolves are for

THE END

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12 thoughts on “Prince Ivan Takes Dumb To the Next Level

  1. This myth makes 20x more sense if the wolf had the hots for Ivan. That guy probably had mastered puppy eyes LIKE NO OTHER.

    C'mon, someone write me some Ivan/Magic Wolf slash fanfic.

  2. > C'mon, someone write me some Ivan/Magic Wolf slash fanfic.

    It actually exists. It truly does. The moment you mentioned it, something clicked in my head, and I recalled seeing one such fic at the infamous ffnet about 4 years ago. So yeah, rule 34.

  3. …thanks to you both, I now have that image burned into my brain. I appreciate that ever so much. >_O

    Also? The ballet "Firebird" is waaaay less complicated than this shit. Though not as full of swearing. The swearing is definitely a plus.

  4. Wow. Thanks for sharing that. I shouldn't be surprised that the woman is an object in this story, but it still makes me mad. Also, memo to self: Get a wolf. They're extremely handy.

  5. "you will be cold and hungry
    so basically par for the course in this country"

    Its funny 'cause its true. You are made entirely of awesomesauce and win!
    ~Californianinkansas

  6. I often wonder if these stories made any damn sense in their original language. Like, they must have been told around a campfire, right? And people would have been like, "What? Why was there a sign that told exactly what would happen if you took each path?" But I don't know. Maybe that was their form of choose-your-own-adventure, and the storyteller had a different story for each path. That would be awesome.

  7. They totally didn't make sense in Russian either D: In fact, I think this makes more sense than the original story.
    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. THE RUSSIAN VERSION OF THANK YOU.
    SO LIKE,
    VODKA. HAVE VODKA.

  8. This is really funny, I’ve never thought an old fairytale can be so hilarious. When I read this as a child I didn’t think it may look so… well, you understand – a little meaningless. But anyway I had a great time laughing)) XD

  9. Pingback: KOSHCHEI THE DEATHLESS | Myths RETOLD

  10. but you totally missed out on the Grimm Brother’ ending to this story in which the fox asks Ivan to murder him in return for all the help he’s given him

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