Rabbits are Sadistic Bastards

Okay so here’s a good one
thanks to Monique “Katana Wombat” Brutalisk

so there’s this farmer
he’s got problems
these problems seem to have taken the shape of a raccoon fox
and two extraordinarily large testicles
that’s right
it’s tanuki time again guys
so this fucking tanuki is just robbing this farmer deaf dumb and blind
meticulously thieving the hell out of every vector of this dude’s estate
and so one day the farmer is like ok I’m done with this
and he digs a hole
and the Tanuki is like OH NO
HOLES
MY ONLY WEAKNESS
and falls in
and the farmer is like haha got you now bitch
gonna tie you to my ceiling and then go out hunting for the day
and tonight I am going to make you into SOUP
DELICIOUS

so the farmer ties that tanuki up
and gives his wife EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS not to let the it down
and then he goes out hunting
and the tanuki is like hm
how can I escape this predicament
OH MY GOD I’VE GOT IT
how about instead of having the farmer’s wife NOT let me down
I get her to
wait for it
LET ME DOWN
BRILLIANT
so he’s like hey farmer lady
let me down and I’ll totally do your chores for you
and the farmer lady is like SWEET DEAL
HAVE SOME FREEDOM
and the tanuki is like great thanks
and then beats the old lady to death with a wooden pestle
which is basically just a big splintery dildo
and then cuts her up and puts her in some soup
WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A TALE OF WACKY HIJINKS
WHY DID SHIT GO ALL JASON AND MEDEA ALL OF A SUDDEN

well anyway then the farmer comes home
and the Tanuki morphs into his wife
OBVIOUSLY
and is like hello husband I heard you like soup
so I put some tanuki in your soup so you could GET REVENGE WHILE YOU EAT SOUP
and the farmer is like EFFICIENT
BRING OUT THE SOUP
and the tanuki brings out the old lady soup
and then right before the farmer eats the soup the tanuki is all HAHA GOTCHA
YOUR WIFE IS IN THAT SOUP ACTUALLY
VROOM
and he runs away
and the farmer is like aww fuck
well at least he warned me before I ate any soup
kind of bad comic timing honestly
although now I gotta throw all this soup out
such a waste
jeeze
oh wait I mean I AM BLIND WITH RAGE
AAAAAA
and he is yelling so fucking loud that he wakes up the local talking rabbit
that is the problem that arises when you have huge ears
any dude in a 10 mile radius gets fucked over by a tanuki and you gotta hear about it
so the rabbit shows up at the farmer’s house like hey man
you seem pretty pissed
what’s up
and the farmer is like THAT TANUKI KILLED AND COOKED MY WIFE
WHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE
and the rabbit is like shh shh
we are past fun-loving anime adventure my friend
now it is time for
FUCKED UP KOREAN REVENGE DRAMA
and the farmer is like ok I can go with that

so the rabbit goes out to fuck over the tanuki
he finds him hiding in his cave or wherever tanukis hide
and he’s like yo man
you look pretty shook up
wanna go pick grass with me way the hell out of town?
and the tanuki is like yeah man let’s get the fuck out of here
so they go out picking grass
way up on a mountaintop
no witnesses
and the rabbit pulls a silenced pistol out of his bag
while the tanuki is bent over sniffing flowers or pranking bees or something
but then he’s like no
too easy
so instead they both gather huge bundles of grass
and the rabbit lets the tanuki walk in front
and then he sets the tanuki’s grass on fire with his zippo
and the tanuki is like hey what’s that sound
and the rabbit is like nothing buddy
we’re just passing through the zippo mountains is all
crazy natural phenomena amirite?
and the tanuki is like yeah i guess
but then he starts to hear and smell fire
and he’s like hey what’s that
and the rabbit is like oh no worries dude
now we’re in the fire mountains
they’re right next to the zippo mountains
it’s pretty logical if you think about it
and the tanuki is like WHY DID YOU TELL ME THERE WAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
MY BACK IS ON FIRE
WHY WOULD I EVER NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING IN MOUNTAINS CALLED THE FIRE MOUNTAINS
AAAAAAA

so the tanuki gets horrible third degree burns all over his back
and the rabbit is like gee man i dunno how this could have happened
lemme make it up to you
let me rub hot pepper sauce all over your wounds
and the tanuki is like that doesn’t sound like making it up to me AAHHHHHH
and the rabbit is like shhhh
shhhh
it’s okay
feel the burn
i’m totally doing medicine on you right now

but despite all of the rabbit’s fucked up efforts
the tanuki survives his wounds
he recovers
maybe hot pepper sauce actually IS a cure for burns
probably not though
anyway the rabbit is like fuck
now I gotta kill him in a DIFFERENT way
so he goes back to the tanuki’s place and he’s like hey bro
how’s it going
and the Tanuki is like fairly shitty but I’m still alive I guess
and the rabbit is like that’s cool that’s cool
listen dude I’ve been getting really into fishing lately
even though I am a rabbit and rabbits are pretty much vegetarians
i dunno I guess I just like torturing and killing shit
so uh
wanna come with?
and the Tanuki is like DO I?
YES

so they go fishing
and the rabbit has prepared two boats
one is made of wood
the other one is made of clay
the rabbit takes the wooden one and gives the clay one to the tanuki
and the tanuki
who knows fuck all about boats
is like SWEET
FREE BOAT
LET’S GO FISHING
and the rabbit is like I’LL RACE YOU TO THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON
FRIENDLY TALKING ANIMALS RACING IN A LAKE
I KNEW THIS WOULD BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE AFTER ALL
oh no wait looks like the tanuki’s boat disintegrated
now he is drowning in the middle of the lake
and he is like RABBIT
BUDDY
HELP ME OUT HERE
and the rabbit looks at him
with those fucked up beady red rabbit eyes
and he’s like

no.

and the tanuki drowns to death
and then the rabbit goes back to the farmer and he’s like hey man
problem solved
and the farmer is like sweet
now I can sleep at night
and the rabbit is like if you ever need anyone else tortured or killed hit me up
i think i kinda got a taste for this shit now
and the farmer is like i’m good for now thanks
but you’re welcome to live in my house if you want
so they live together happily ever after
until the rabbit’s trigger finger gets itchy and he turns the farmer into meatloaf

so the moral of the story
is don’t fuck with rabbits
in fact
don’t fuck with anyone because rabbits might find out

THE END

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5 thoughts on “Rabbits are Sadistic Bastards

  1. "BUNNIES AREN'T JUST SWEET LIKE EVERYBODY SUPPOSES!
    They've got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!
    And what's with all the carrots?
    WHAT DO THEY NEED SUCH GOOD EYESIGHT FOR ANYWAY?"

  2. But like…in one translation it’s a badger he kills and the badger was worse. He killed people’s wives then served their heads to his own wife on a platter. Of of which was the rabbit’s wife.

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