Ragnarok: Better than 2012

Bad news guys

in this myth all the norse gods die
yeah this is the big one
the end of the goddamn world
so basically the first thing thats gonna tip everyone off
that the world is ending
is this thing called Fimbulvetr
which just means
THE WINTER OF WINTERS
and it seriously is
a winter
made of MULTIPLE WINTERS
like
there is going to be a winter
and then once that winter is finished
there will be ANOTHER WINTER
and then after that
will it be spring?
think again son
MORE WINTER
so this is basically going to have the effect
of pissing off everyone in the world
and turning them into assholes
everyone will start fighting everyone
because its just gonna be so cold
for so long
everything is going to start to really suck
then finally after that goes on for a while
this wolf Skoll
who is one of the sons of Fenrir
is gonna eat the sun
then fenrir’s other kid Hati will eat the moon
because he’s a fucking copycat
then the cock Fjalar will crow to the giants
all like TIME FOR WAR MOTHERFUCKERS
and the golden cock Gullinkambi will yell the same thing at the gods
and then a third cock will raise the dead
hehe
cock
THEN
there’s gonna be A WHOLE BUNCH OF EARTHQUAKES
and this is going to have the effect
of finally releasing evil wolf bastard Fenrir
from his shitty underground prison
and his bottom jaw is gonna touch the earth
and his top jaw is gonna touch the sky
and his eyes are going to be on FIRE
and theres gonna be a whole bunch of tsunamis and shit too
because Jormungand
the midgard serpent
who holds up the world
and is also another one of loki’s horrible children
is going to start having siezures all over the ocean
on its way to fuck up the land
and not only that
but he’s going to breathe poison all over everthing constantly
completely destroying all the air
and all the land
and all the waves caused by the serpent
are gonna set free this ship called Naglfar
full of giants
ready to romp and stomp everyone
and another ship is gonna set sail from hell
with all the dead people on it
and Loki is gonna be driving it
because the gods sure as shit want nothing to do with him
at this point
and guess who else is coming to the party
FIRE GIANTS
ALL THE FIRE GIANTS
what are fire giants you ask?
I dont know maybe giants MADE OF FIRE
the sole purpose of whom is to show up
at this EXACT MOMENT
lead by this guy SURT
and fucking set fire to EVERYTHING
so then this dude Heimdall
who is the god of light
and the son of nine chicks
and has gold teeth and can see a hundred miles
is going to blow his horn
signaling that SHIT
is finally about to get REAL
and odin and all the other gods
and all the elves
and dwarves
and demons
and basically just anything ever
are going to ride onto this one battlefield
called Vigrid
which means BATTLESHAKER
and they are going to tear each other to pieces
Odin is going to fight Fenrir
and fenrir is going to eat Odin
and then odin’s son Vidar is gonna be like NOOOO
and run up and rip Fenrir’s jaw in half
which is pretty appropriate because Vidar
is the god of revenge
meanwhile thor is gonna fight Jormungand
because they have unfinished business
from the time thor tried to lift it cause he thought it was a cat
and he is gonna kill it
but then its poison
is gonna kill HIM
and Surt is just gonna run up
and pick the weakest looking god
Freyr
who is the god of the sun and elves and shit
and just kill him straight up
because Freyr is unarmed and a pussy
then Tyr is gonna look around like
shit i need to kill someone to prove how badass i am
how about this terrible wolf GARM
and he kills it
despite the fact he only has one hand
but then Garm also kills him
and also Heimdall kills Loki
FINALLY
but Loki also kills Heimdall
so that will suck
and on top of ALL OF THAT
Surt is gonna just start chucking fire
in every direction
burning everything
so it wont even really matter if you survive the epic battle
because everyone is catching fire anyway
except for these two people
Lif and Lifthrasir
a dude and a chick
who will just be sleeping in this indestructible forest
during this whole thing
guys i dont understand why everybody doesnt just like
hang out
in the INDESTRUCTIBLE FOREST
that would seriously minimize some casualties
just saying
anyway when its all over
and the earth dives underwater to try and put out all the fire
and then comes back up again all fresh and new
Lif and Lifthrasir are gonna repopulate the world
and everything is going to be great forever
what i think we can take away from this myth
is that no matter who you are
or what religion you believe in
its really important to believe in the apocalypse
because then no matter how shitty your life is
you can always imagine
that maybe the world will end before you die
and you will get to be part of something super important
and your lack of achievements will not matter
and no one else will outlive you either
woo

the end.

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10 thoughts on “Ragnarok: Better than 2012

  1. Ya know, I do feel better about my life.
    Thanks.
    Also, Tyr is my new best friend.
    We're going to have a secret handsh-oh wait.

    • Tyr sacrificed his hand to bind the jaws of Fenrir until the battle. You can still have a secret handshake. Also, he has a mean kick, so don’t insult him

  2. Way late to this particular party, but I just thought I'd add this awesome little fact: Naglfarr, the boat that carries the giants into battle, literally means 'nail-boat', because it is a boat made from human fingernails. Vikings rule.

    • That may be my very favourite mythical detail. Naglfarr is specifically made out of the fingernails of the dead, and the Vikings were really fastidious about trimming their nails, so in case they died they’d give Loki as little shipbuilding material as possible. Trufax.

  3. yeah, sucks most all the gods die. but atleast after the world isnt on fire anymore Balder and Hodur just strut outta hell and find Modi and Magni walking round with Thor's hammer. I wanna know what badassery they got about doing as time goes on…

  4. You forgot to mention that Vidar has a boot that is made out of all the waste leather straps human shoemakers threw away. So Vidar’s purpose is to literally KICK ASS. Fenrir’s ass.

    So concerning this and the fact that the boat Naglfar is made out of fingernails the moral of this story would be:
    Always cut your fingernails and throw away as much leather as you can.

  5. I’ve actually heard that a theory about Ragnarok was that it literally was going to be the end of the world, so like, there is nothing after it, no paradise, just BLERGH NOTHING.

    Sources say that Balder was going to rise again, but these sources were all written after Scandinavia became a Christianised region, and that Christian scholars may have written that in solely to have a Christ-like figure.

    I wonder~

  6. I read this while listening to my metal playlist on my phone. Guess what song just happened to pop up as soon as I started reading? Ragnarok, by Tyr (the band, not the god). Best. Thing. Ever!!! Also, the song is really awesome on its own.

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