RAPEHAZARD

Now I know what you are thinking guys
and no
rapehazard is not the name of my new sludgecore speed metal band
it is the name of this post
because this post is about a rape hazard

okay so there’s this dude Aesacus
he’s kind of a hermit sort of
except his beard is not long enough
he is pretty young and his mom is a nymph
and also he is bros with Hector from the Iliad
so he is not really very much like a hermit at all
more like a feral fairy forest dude
who hangs out in the forest all the time gettin’ his lonely on

but apparently this particular forest is a pretty hip spot
because lately Aesacus has been catching glimpses of this MECHA HOT-CHICK
named Hesperia
I thought this myth was going to have something to do
with the golden apples of the Hesperides
but boy what I wrong
and if you thought that
you were also wrong
what
did you think you were special
did you think you got to just believe wrong things and have them not be wrong things?
just because it was you who believed them
and you live in some kind of magic fairy bullshit castle
where you can tell no lies and the prince shits candy rainbows from his truth pony?
think again asshole
or maybe actually don’t think again
you might think more wrong things

ANYWAY
Aesacus catches perhaps one too many glimpses of Hesperia gettin’ all bathey
which causes him to morph into TURBO RAPE BATTLE ACTION AESACUS
WITH EXTENDING PENIS
and he comes charging out of the underbrush like SEXXXXX PLEEEEEEASEEEEEE
and Hesperia is like aw hell no
and starts running
and Aesacus starts chasing
and she’s running and he’s chasing and then OW
BAM
WHAT THE FUCK
SNAKES
and then Hesperia dies
and Aesacus is like oh nooooo
I am not kinky enough for necrophilia
the only way to salvage this
is if I die too
cause it’s not necrophilia if you’re both dead
so rather than finding another snake he jumps off the nearest cliff
but then on his way down one of them pesky sea nymphs named Tethys
is like aw hell no that’s nasty
and she turns him into a seagull instead
and Aesacus is like FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK
and spends the rest of forever dive-bombing the ocean
trying as hard as he can to drown himself
so that’s why seagulls are dumb in that particular way

so the moral of the story
is when it comes to forest sex
always bring protection
and also antivenom

THE END

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11 thoughts on “RAPEHAZARD

  1. Your myth retelling skills cause me to instantaneously self-combust with laughter,
    so I have a sweet suggestion for your next myth idea.
    Being an opera singer myself, I deal with opera plots.
    a LOT of them.
    Some of them I think would be totally up your alley.
    If you decide you have become bored with the kind of myths you usually do,
    you should seriously consider doing opera plots.
    Start off with this monster of a saga;
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Der_Ring_des_Nibelungen
    It's basically like, if Greek/Norse mythology knocked up Lord of the Rings,
    this is the mutant creature that would come out.
    If you were to watch all the operas straight, it would take like a whole day;
    each opera in itself is probably enough material for a whole video, lol.
    The opera librettos are in German, but many English translations exist.
    Nico Castel has a great one.
    Hope you like it!

  2. Sludgecore and speedmetal are two contradictory genres of heavy metal. Sludgecore generally is the result of acid trips, lots of weed, downtuned guitars, and technically aware drumming. Lyrical content varies, but generally revolves around something fantastical. Examples could be early Black Sabbath, The Sword, Baroness, Mastodon, or Acid Bath. Speedmetal is just fuckin' fast and brutal. It can be technical, but mostly it just sounds like Satan drove by on the biggest, fastest, loudest motorcycle you could imagine. Examples include Venom, Skeletonwitch, most Slayer,and a lot of Sepultura.

    Love your blog by the way, broseph.

  3. look CLEARLY I meant some insane new hybrid of sludgecore and speed metal called SLUDGECORESPEEDMETAL.

    No okay seriously I didn't even know sludgecore was a real thing and I am extremely grateful for your disambiguation. Especially the part about satan's motorcycle. Thank you.

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