Rapunzel’s Mom Sure Loves Lettuce

I AM OUT OF GREY SHIRTS GUYS
MAKING GREYISH BLUE ONES NOW BECAUSE I THINK THOSE ACTUALLY LOOK THE BEST
THE COLOR I AM REFERRING TO LOOKS LIKE THIS

THEN WHEN I RUN OUT OF THOSE I WILL PICK A NEW COLOR
I CALL THIS
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

okay so anyway there’s this pregnant chick

she’s wearing maternity clothes and getting odd cravings and whatnot
pretty standard pregnant shit
but this is a fairy tale so she also lives next door to a witch
and also this witch has a MEGA SWEET GARDEN
seriously there is a wicked hurricaine of like beets and tomatoes
sitting around being lush as shit up in this garden
but the lushest shit of all
is this patch of lettuce
but it is not just any lettuce my friends
it is some kind of crazy superlettuce called RAPUNZEL
now i know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking HOLY SHIT
ISN’T RAPUNZEL THE NAME OF A CHICK IN SOME FAIRYTALE?
WHAT A COINCIDENCE
you need to calm down my friend
you’re embarrassing yourself

but anyway this pregnant chick is staring out her window into the witch’s garden
and she starts coveting the SHIT out of that rapunzel over there
she’s like OH MAN I WANT SOME OF THAT SO BAD
I COULD LIKE
MASH IT UP IN A TUB OF BEN AND JERRIES ICE CREAM
THROW SOME BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES ON TOP OF THAT SHIT
BAM
FIVE STAR FUCKING CUISINE
i’m sorry if I seem like i am being really harsh on pregnant ladies
but the point I am TRYING to make
is that this particular pregnant lady is EXTREMELY UNREASONABLE
she is so extremely unreasonable
that when the rapunzel does not immediately teleport into her stomach
she decides that she is going to die
and so she just sits right down and starts dying
all sullen and shit
and then her husband walks in like WHOA STOP DYING AT ME WOMAN
and she’s all WAAAAH I WANT SOME SPECIAL LETTUCE OR I AM GOING TO SAD MYSELF TO DEATH
and the husband
who is as dumb as his wife is unreasonable
is like well I guess my only option here is to steal it from my neighbor
you know
THE FUCKING WITCH
not like there are lettuce stores or seeds I can plant or anything
no
this witch’s garden is the single source of rapunzel IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

so the husband goes ahead and jumps the witch’s fence
grabs a handful of lettuce
and jumps out
and he brings it to his wife who has all her salad shit READY AND WAITING
and she eats that shit up
and he’s like awesome now I can go to sleep
but NOPE
NOPE
WIFE WANT MORE RAPUNZEL
so he goes out to steal some more vegetables
but WHAT DO YOU KNOW
i guess the witch installed an alarm system or something
because when the dude shows up to get the lettuce she is all NOPE
and he is like come on my wife is being so unreasonable help a brother out
and she’s like ok you can have as much lettuce as you want
BUT I GET YOUR FIRSTBORN CHILD
and the husband is like SWEET
FEWER RESPONSIBILITIES
and the deal is sealed
and then later the wife gives birth to a baby
and the witch teleports into the room
all like THIS BABY IS NAMED RAPUNZEL NOW
YOINK
just like merlin in that other story

so then the witch does the sensible thing
which is put baby rapunzel in a tower
with no doors or stairs or anything
just a window like 20 stories up
which rapunzel is supposed to let her MASSIVE HAIR down out of
every time the witch wants to come up
which sounds kind of painful/repulsive
and also begs the question
how did she get up there in the first place?
clearly the witch can’t fly
or she wouldn’t be wasting her time CLIMBING SOME FUCKING HAIR
did she just like throw her really hard when she was a baby
or use one of those barrels from donkey kong or what?
i mean can’t she teleport?
didn’t we establish that?
why is she wasting her time with all this hair all over the place
hair is just a glorified bundle of problems
silky smooth problems

anyway one day the prince is walking all over the woods
what prince, you ask?
the fucking prince ok
every fairytale has one
if he is not mentioned directly then he is probably crouched in the bushes somewhere
bein’ princely
but yeah he’s princing around when he hears rapunzel singing some sweet tunes
and he is like OH MAN I LOVE SINGING
WHERE IS THE SOURCE OF THIS NOISE I WANT TO PUT MY DICK IN IT
and he finds this tower and he’s like aw fuck how am i supposed to get up there
if only there was one of those barrels from donkey kong
but then he hides behind a tree and the witch shows up
all like RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR BRAIDS
OR I WILL GIVE YOU DOUBLE-AIDS
and she climbs up and probably molests her stepdaughter a bit
and then leaves
and the prince is like ohhhhhh
so he runs up to the tower like
RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR HAIR
I MUST ESCAPE AN ANGRY BEAR
and it’s like BOOM
AND SOME HAIR COMES OUT
and the prince climbs it all nimble and shit
and he gets up to the top and he’s like well hey
and Rapunzel is like what’s that
and the prince is like oh that’s my dong
and Rapunzel is like what’s it for
and the Prince is like it’s for sexing
and Rapunzel is like oh
uh
and the prince is like I CLIMBED YOUR HAIR WITH MY DICK IN MY HANDS
DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE HERE WITH A FOOT IN YOUR ASS
so they have sex and it’s great
and then the prince is like man
i would like to have this sex on a regular basis
how about we climb down your hair and you come back to my place
and rapunzel is like you are forgetting something
you are forgetting that the hair is attached to my head
how the fuck am i supposed to climb down
and the prince is like oh uh
i’ll bring you a ladder?

so the prince leaves
and the next day the witch shows up
all like RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR DREADS
OR I’LL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD
OH SHIT WRONG STORY
but she gets up to the top and Rapunzel is like hey so
how come it takes so much longer to haul you up
than it takes to haul up my secret lover who you’re not supposed to know about
and the witch is like WHAAAAAAAAT
THAT’S IT
CUTTING OFF ALL YOUR HAIR
TELEPORTING YOU TO THE DESERT
FUCK THIS FUCK EVERYTHING
and then she ties the hair to the windowsill and waits for the prince to show up
WAIT
WHY DIDN’T RAPUNZEL DO THAT
SHE TOTALLY COULD HAVE CLIMBED DOWN HER OWN HAIR
but i guess spending your whole life inside a tower
does not make you great at problem solving

anyway then the prince shows up with a ladder
he sees the hair already waiting for him
and he climbs up
only to have the witch jump out like SURPRISE ASSHOLE
and he’s all like FUCK THIS I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
and he jumps out of the window and happens to land in some brambles
it’s okay though because he manages to break his fall
WITH HIS EYEBALLS
and then he goes blind obviously
so he just starts wandering all over the place
bumping into trees CONSTANTLY
rocky and bullwinkle did a pretty good version of this actually

but so eventually the prince somehow manages to get to the desert where rapunzel is
i guess because he wants sex SO BAD that he learns SONAR
and he meets up with Rapunzel
who is now raising their two love children
and she sees him all blind and shit and she runs over and cries on him SO HARD
that the tears get in his eyes and unblind him
and then he takes her back to his kingdom and they live happily ever after i guess

so the moral of the story
is fuck laughter
misery is the best medicine

THE END.

RedditStumbleUponShare

10 thoughts on “Rapunzel’s Mom Sure Loves Lettuce

  1. I also love the version where Rapunzel's like "man my dresses don't fit any more ('cause I'm preggers)" and the witch is like TELL ME ABOUT YOUR OBVIOUSLY SECRET LOVER.

  2. Man, I wish the prince had said
    RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR LOCKS
    SO YOU CAN GO DOWN ON MY FAT ASS COCK
    That would have been sweet.

    But this is still super-sweet

  3. What I can't stop thinking about is, did he get tangled up in her hair while having sexy times? Because seriously, that shit would be thick, lush, and hell-a long!
    "Hold on baby, my foot is caught."
    "OW! YOU SONOFA—"

  4. I can teleport – no wait, I can't, I need to climb up your hair – no, I can teleport again.

    Fairy tales are like really bad direct to DVD movies where consistency is not required but a total suspension of disbelief and overlooking of obvious solutions are.

  5. This is badass. ALSO. I AM THE PERSON FROM SANDWICH WHO KEEPS ORDERING SHIRTS. THANKS FOR YOUR MESSAGES ON THE MAIL. YOU SHOULD FOLLOW MY BLOG BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE DOES. Megg

  6. That was awesome, but way to mis-use begs the question.
    But still, awesome and please do Tinderbox next thank you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>