Real Princesses Get Hernias From Vegetables

Okay so there’s this prince right

A PRINCE YOU SAY?
NO SHIT
yes my friends there is definitely a prince
and the way you can tell he is a prince
is that he is a total picky-as-fuck asshole brigade all rolled into a single dickweed burrito
see he is trying to find the perfect princess right
but he has a really weird definition of princess
whereas most people might define princess as
“daughter of a king”
this twank tank defines princess as
“any woman with a supernaturally oversensitive spine”
he is so intent on his mega retarded alternate dictionary that he devises a princess test
basically you gotta come in and take a nap in his house
but not just any nap
THE ULTIMATE NAP
by which i mean a nap on top of TWENTY FUCKING MATTRESSES
that is too many mattresses my friends
if I had that many mattresses I would not waste any time sleeping on them
i would build an impenetrable mattress fortress and NEVER SLEEP AGAIN
but anyway underneath this carnival of comfort
the prince places a SINGLE
FUCKING
PEA
and if the would-be princess doesn’t bitch about it in the morning
bam
no marriage
no you know what
that’t not brutal enough
and i’m sure you guys are gonna come rushing in with some alternate version where like
everyone gets face-raped by orangoutangs or the sun explodes and there’s incest
so fuck it
pre-emptive revision
if you don’t feel the pea you get fed to bears
so everyone is getting fed to bears left and right
limbs are flying all over the place
it’s great
when all of a sudden it starts raining
this is not important it is just so the next princess can make a dramatic entrance
all like KASLOOSH
I AM A TOTALLY LEGIT PRINCESS
I KNOW I AM KIND OF MOIST RIGHT NOW AND COVERED IN DEAD LEAVES
BUT I CLEAN UP REAL GOOD I PROMISE
PLEASE AT LEAST GIVE ME A PLACE TO CRASH FOR THE NIGHT BEFORE I GET FED TO BEARS
and the prince is like alright whatever
my bears are pretty hungry
get on the mattress pile
so she does
and then in the morning he’s like well how did you sleep
and the chick is like TERRIBLE
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PUT IN MY BED
IT’S LIKE I WAS SLEEPING ON A GUN THAT SHOOTS EXPLODING JACKHAMMERS
WHAT KIND OF SHITTY HOST ARE YOU
YOU’RE A PRINCE RIGHT?
LIKE I HEARD YOU WERE A PRINCE
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CAN’T YOU EVEN AFFORD TWENTY MATTRESSES THAT DON’T SUCK?
YOU’RE PATHETIC
YOU’RE WORSE THAN PATHETIC
IF SHIT COULD SHIT
YOU ARE WHAT IT WOULD SHIT ON
and the prince is like hooray let’s get married

so ladies
the moral of the story
is be a huge bitch all the time
riches await

THE END

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21 thoughts on “Real Princesses Get Hernias From Vegetables

  1. Ha! Yeah, princesses being defined by their delicacy is something that gave me pause even as a kid. I vaguely remember a story in my old Book of Dragons that mentioned in passing that you knew this princess was a *real* princess because she couldn't wear anything other than silk without her skin bleeding.

  2. Gives a good context for the saying "harden up, princess". Because if there's one thing I want in my royalty, it is that they would be extremely vulnerable to injury and/or death.

  3. Yeah, if I were a prince I'd look for the chick who could pop out some sturdy heirs the easiest, not some whiny brat who can't sleep on *only* 19 mattresses.

    This story was still one of my favorites because of all the other crazy and useless tests the girls would have to pass. Like finding the one weed in a room of flower bouquets, noting that her steak was 3 seconds too rare, finding the one wool thread in a massive silk outfit, managing to trip over the only loose stone in a hallway. Maybe my mom made those up for me to laugh at or maybe this is why America doesn't have royalty because these bitches were pathetic.

  4. Maybe, just maybe, the princess didn't even feel the pea; maybe she just had back problems due to centuries of genetic fuckery resulting from inbreeding.

  5. I read a modern retake of this one, where the Prince gets off on beating and raping women, so he's searching for the woman with the most delicate/easily-bruisable skin in all the land, to make his sadism all the more enjoyable.

    I'll have to dig it out because I'm not sure I remember the details correctly, but I think the princess turns out to be like a demon princess or something. She lets him beat her up good and proper a few times, and then gives him his just deserts in some appropriately gruesome manner. It was beautifully dark and twisted, almost Grimmesque.

    No incest, though, sorry.

  6. Personally I like the version where the prince is sick of this shit and trying to get his bone on but his dad is being the asshole who does the pea thing, and the prince hijacks the whole brigade by using a bowling ball. It was a parody I read as a child and it makes a hell of a lot more sense.

  7. Danny,

    I had to find it before I could fall asleep the other night, ha! It's called "The Real Princess" by Susan Palwick. I read it in an anthology of reworked fairytales (none nearly so amusing as Ovid's, though) called "Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears." (The ending wasn't quite as gruesome as I remembered, but still good.)

    It's part of a series edited by Ellen Datlow and Terri Windling; it's sort of geared towards women in general (very chick-lit-ish cover) but if you enjoy fairytale variants, I highly recommend the series, as many of the reworkings are astonishingly morbid.

    For instance, in another book, there's a retelling of Ashputtle, where "Mrs. Asch" is a grossly obese kindergarten teacher who relieves some of her long (LONG) ago childhood traumas after one of the most cossetted kindergartners goes missing. Everyone thinks that "Mrs. Asch" – not her real name, nor is she a Mrs. – loves the children to pieces, being an old, fat, presumed-widow, but her inner dialog is utterly chilling, especially in regard to the "missing" child.

    Anyway, as far as "The Real Princess," I googled for a few phrases from the story and don't find it published online anywhere. You can view about 2/3ds of it on Amazon's "look inside," but of course crucial pages are missing.

    IMO it's worth the cost of the book, as there are several other dark works. "Beast," by Tanith Lee, which flips the "Beauty and the Beast" tale inside out; "Summer Wind" by Nancy Kress, which turns "Sleeping Beauty into a nightmare; and "The Huntsman's Story," a micro-story by Milbre Burch, a shuddering reworking of Snow White inspired by the kidnapping and death of Polly Klaas.

    There are some light-hearted stories, too – it's not ALL gloom and doom. I recommend the whole series, and if anyone has some of the "no longer available" books and is willing to sell, hit me up!!

  8. So apparently the qualification for being a real princess is to be ultra-high-maintenance.

    Because, as a prince, you can have anything you want. And what you want is to spend your life with someone who is virtually incapable of ever being satisfied, comfortable, or happy. . . .

  9. Apparently, the original danish version by Andersen has quite a few double entendres when the princess complains about “something hard” in the bed that kept her awake all night and certainly bruised her.
    Maybe the original version had rape in it?

    There is also a Swedish version, where an orphan girl sleeps on 7 peas under her mattress and is informed by a sympathetic animal about them, so she can claims to have felt them all night and pass as a princess.

  10. I would point out that a bunch of the Russian royal family had hemophilia so it might be a bizarre misinterpretation of the idea that if you were actually royalty you had to be totally delicate, but they could just bleed the prospective girls to death to see if they clotted so they did this… except that hemophilia only effects men

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