Robin Hood and Friar Tuck are Two Violent Morons

Okay so Robin Hood again:
Dude is hanging out with his boys in the woods
shooting arrows at shit because that’s all they ever do
and they manage to kill a bunch of animals really fast at great distances
it would be better if they had guns but I guess they like a challenge
anyway Robin Hood is SUPER STOKED about these dead animals
because he loves yeomanry/fucking hates animals
and he starts being like “Man, Little John
you are the best at arrows
I bet I could ride a hundred miles and never find somebody who’s better at arrows.”
But then Will Scarlet
who is sort of the third wheel in the bromance between Robin Hood and Little John
is like “uhh actually …”
And Robin Hood is like “WHAT?
WHAT ACTUALLY?”
And Will is like “There’s this monk over by the river who is –“
“WHO IS WHAT, SHITSMITH? WHAT IS HE?”
“He’s … better at arrows.”
And Robin Hood is like “OH IS HE?
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO GET …
SHOT DOWN.”
And then he puts on some sunglasses and rides his motorcycle over to Fountains Dale
which is where this Friar is supposed to be.

So he gets to this river
And there’s a friar there.
Seems to be the friar he’s looking for
because he’s got hella armor on and he’s carrying weapons
so Robin Hood does the only sensible thing:
He runs up to the friar and says “CARRY ME ACROSS THE RIVER”
So the friar does the only sensible thing:
He picks up Robin Hood and carries him across the river.
SILENTLY.
Then, when they get to the other side of the river
he turns to Robin Hood and he says
“Carry me across the river.”
So Robin Hood does the only OKAY NO.
NONE OF THIS IS SENSIBLE.
TWO DUDES IN ARMOR ARE TAKING TURNS PLAYING HORSEY IN A RIVER
LIKE A SHITTY MEDIEVAL OREGON TRAIL
THIS IS LIKE IF I SHOWED UP TO A JOB INTERVIEW
AND I WAS LIKE “HEY
INTERVIEWER:
CARRY ME ACROSS A RIVER.”
AND THEN HE DID IT.
BECAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
As soon as Robin Hood gets the friar across the river
he turns around and he’s like “CARRY ME AGAIN”
and the friar is like “Sure I’ve got nothing going on today”
so he starts carrying Robin back
But then he gets to the middle of the river and he’s like “PSYCHE”
And he tosses Robin into the river
and Robin is like “You FUCK I am going to KILL YOU”
(PS: Why does Robin Hood only seem to make friends by fighting them in rivers?)

So Robin starts shooting arrows at the friar
and the friar keeps deflecting them with his shield until Robin runs out
then they beat each other with swords until Robin gets tired
And Robin is like “Okay dude time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And the friar is like “Well I carried you across a river on my back so why not”
And Robin is like “Great. Let me pull out this horn and blow on it 3 times”
And the friar is like “Sounds non-suspicious to me!”
so Robin Hood blows on the horn
which obviously summons his whole gang
and the friar is like “Oh shit time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And Robin Hood is like “I’d be a dick if I said no”
And the friar is like “Great. Let me whistle three times
you know the whistle where you put your fingers in your mouth?
That’s the one I’m gonna do.”
And Robin Hood is like “Wow, you can do that?
I tried for like an hour and I couldn’t get it.
That’s why I have to carry this big shitty horn with me all the time.
Anyway yeah, that sounds fine.”
So the friar whistles three times
and all of a sudden A SWARM OF DOGS APPEARS
ONE DOG FOR EVERY DUDE IN ROBIN’S BAND
BARKING AND BITING AND CATCHING ARROWS IN THEIR FUCKING TEETH
and the friar is like “HAHA FUCK YOU I’M A DOG LORD”
and Robin Hood is like “OH NO A DOG LORD”
but Little John is like “WHHHHHHAT?”
and Robin Hood is like “Hey dude do you see all those dogs?”
and Little John is like “YEEEEEAH”
and Robin Hood is like “Kill them for me?”
and Little John is like “OKAY”
and he shoots like twenty of them
because he IS pretty good at arrows
And the friar is like “Whoa dude stop shooting my dogs”
And Robin Hood is like “Only if you join our medieval crime syndicate.”
And the friar is like “will there be violence?”
And Robin Hood is like “Excessive amounts.”
So the friar is like “Okay sweet.”
And from then on, he is known as …
FRIAR TUCK.

So the moral of the story
is never bring a dog to a bowfight.

The end.

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7 thoughts on “Robin Hood and Friar Tuck are Two Violent Morons

  1. That. Was. AMAZING!
    I was so happy when I saw the new myth – and even more so, when I saw it was another Robin Hood story!
    I love your versions of Robin Hood and this one is a worthy sequel to all the others. So many brilliant lines and images! And the moral had me dying. :D

  2. So there’s this collection of steam punk erotica which I purchased years ago for…research purposes, and one of the items involves a bunch of guys in an air ship who go around invading lager airships full of rich people and robbing the shit out of them while dressed as Robin Hood characters to make it seem like a play so the rich people will cooperate, and the whole thing ends with an airship three some between Robin, Maid Marion, and Little John, and I don’t know, maybe I’ve read it too many times or something, but that’s all I can think of when people mention Robinhood, and I kind of wish I could inflict that on more people, so…

    • Hmmm. I think I might need to know about this, also for …research purposes…

      OK KATE PERSON MAKE WITH THE STEAMPORN

      (I just came up with “steamporn” although I’m sure seven thousand other people did it first but I don’t care)

      • Yeah agreed. You can’t just tantalizingly refer to your immense cache of Robin-Hood themed steamporn (thank you dustwindbun, on behalf of all of humanity) and then fail to deliver!

  3. I had a book about Robin Hood when I a kid. It was a proper, old-school book with a leather cover, and yellowing pages that smelt weird, but it was in mostly readable English, and I loved the fucking thing, and the stories in it inspired me. Probably helped that I grew up not too far from Nottingham, and have had a proper stick-fight with a friend over that very river.

    Even tried to made my own bow and arrows. Out of…well, it was probably the wrong kind of wood, and the kitchen string didn’t help. Safe to say nothing was killed, or even mildly wounded, but still, Robin Hood!

    Anyway, this made me grin like an idiot, and I pretty much lost it at “will there be violence?”. You just sold me your book:)

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