Okay so Robin Hood again:
Dude is hanging out with his boys in the woods
shooting arrows at shit because that’s all they ever do
and they manage to kill a bunch of animals really fast at great distances
it would be better if they had guns but I guess they like a challenge
anyway Robin Hood is SUPER STOKED about these dead animals
because he loves yeomanry/fucking hates animals
and he starts being like “Man, Little John
you are the best at arrows
I bet I could ride a hundred miles and never find somebody who’s better at arrows.”
But then Will Scarlet
who is sort of the third wheel in the bromance between Robin Hood and Little John
is like “uhh actually …”
And Robin Hood is like “WHAT?
And Will is like “There’s this monk over by the river who is –“
“WHO IS WHAT, SHITSMITH? WHAT IS HE?”
“He’s … better at arrows.”
And Robin Hood is like “OH IS HE?
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO GET …
And then he puts on some sunglasses and rides his motorcycle over to Fountains Dale
which is where this Friar is supposed to be.
So he gets to this river
And there’s a friar there.
Seems to be the friar he’s looking for
because he’s got hella armor on and he’s carrying weapons
so Robin Hood does the only sensible thing:
He runs up to the friar and says “CARRY ME ACROSS THE RIVER”
So the friar does the only sensible thing:
He picks up Robin Hood and carries him across the river.
Then, when they get to the other side of the river
he turns to Robin Hood and he says
“Carry me across the river.”
So Robin Hood does the only OKAY NO.
NONE OF THIS IS SENSIBLE.
TWO DUDES IN ARMOR ARE TAKING TURNS PLAYING HORSEY IN A RIVER
LIKE A SHITTY MEDIEVAL OREGON TRAIL
THIS IS LIKE IF I SHOWED UP TO A JOB INTERVIEW
AND I WAS LIKE “HEY
CARRY ME ACROSS A RIVER.”
AND THEN HE DID IT.
BECAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
As soon as Robin Hood gets the friar across the river
he turns around and he’s like “CARRY ME AGAIN”
and the friar is like “Sure I’ve got nothing going on today”
so he starts carrying Robin back
But then he gets to the middle of the river and he’s like “PSYCHE”
And he tosses Robin into the river
and Robin is like “You FUCK I am going to KILL YOU”
(PS: Why does Robin Hood only seem to make friends by fighting them in rivers?)
So Robin starts shooting arrows at the friar
and the friar keeps deflecting them with his shield until Robin runs out
then they beat each other with swords until Robin gets tired
And Robin is like “Okay dude time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And the friar is like “Well I carried you across a river on my back so why not”
And Robin is like “Great. Let me pull out this horn and blow on it 3 times”
And the friar is like “Sounds non-suspicious to me!”
so Robin Hood blows on the horn
which obviously summons his whole gang
and the friar is like “Oh shit time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And Robin Hood is like “I’d be a dick if I said no”
And the friar is like “Great. Let me whistle three times
you know the whistle where you put your fingers in your mouth?
That’s the one I’m gonna do.”
And Robin Hood is like “Wow, you can do that?
I tried for like an hour and I couldn’t get it.
That’s why I have to carry this big shitty horn with me all the time.
Anyway yeah, that sounds fine.”
So the friar whistles three times
and all of a sudden A SWARM OF DOGS APPEARS
ONE DOG FOR EVERY DUDE IN ROBIN’S BAND
BARKING AND BITING AND CATCHING ARROWS IN THEIR FUCKING TEETH
and the friar is like “HAHA FUCK YOU I’M A DOG LORD”
and Robin Hood is like “OH NO A DOG LORD”
but Little John is like “WHHHHHHAT?”
and Robin Hood is like “Hey dude do you see all those dogs?”
and Little John is like “YEEEEEAH”
and Robin Hood is like “Kill them for me?”
and Little John is like “OKAY”
and he shoots like twenty of them
because he IS pretty good at arrows
And the friar is like “Whoa dude stop shooting my dogs”
And Robin Hood is like “Only if you join our medieval crime syndicate.”
And the friar is like “will there be violence?”
And Robin Hood is like “Excessive amounts.”
So the friar is like “Okay sweet.”
And from then on, he is known as …
So the moral of the story
is never bring a dog to a bowfight.