Robin Hood is for Pussies

(Hey you guys should check out this guy
he is like my soulmate but with philosophy
)

But wow okay I just dug up some serious shit

so there’s this peasant and his wife right
and one day some rich bastard shows up at their house
like OH HO HO HELLO PEASANTS
LET ME DINE ON YOUR SIMPLE PEASANT FARE
I AM FEELING CONDESCENDING TODAY
and then while the peasant woman is preparing some potato dumplings
(which are really tasty by the way)
the rich dude and the husband go into the backyard to fuck around with trees
and the trees become a metaphor for how the rich dude is actually the peasants’ son
who was a huge asshole and ran away years ago
so that’s pretty surprising and everything

see it turns out that after the peasants’ piece of shit son ran away
he became mega rich
by STEALING
and he is actually pretty proud of this fact
in fact he’s strutting all the fuck over all these metaphor trees
like HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME
I AM THE MASTER THIEF
AINT NO THIEVES BETTER THAN ME NO SIR
and his dad is like yeah well
i mean you’re still a criminal
and then they go tell his mom and his mom is like well
that’s pretty disappointing
i mean like couldn’t you have been a doctor or something?
and the son is like NOPE
THIEF ALL THE WAY
and his mom is like well i guess whatever you do is okay with me
but if the local count finds out you’re the king of all thieves or whatever
he is going to get pretty mad and probably murder you
and this pompous ass is all like WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT
YOU KNOW HOW WE’RE GONNA SEE ABOUT THAT?
I AM GOING TO GO HIT UP THE COUNT’S CRIB TONIGHT AND I AM GOING TO TELL HIM WHATS UP
THEN WE’LL SEE WHO MURDERS WHO
ANSWER:
NO ONE
NO ONE IS GOING TO MURDER ANYONE
and his dad is like man for a master thief you sure yell a whole lot

so it gets to be evening
and the master thief decides it is time to go do needlessly dangerous things
so he shows up at the count’s place like yo
remember me?
I used to be your godson or whatever
guess what I am now
A FUCKING THIEF
THAT’S WHAT I AM
and the count is like oh shit
well i guess I better execute you then?
and the thief is like wait no
how about instead I prove to you how great i am at thieving
by stealing a bunch of shit from you
and the count is like tell me more
and the thief is like seriously dude
pick any three things you want me to steal
i will steal them no problem
harder the better
I get off on this shit
and the count is like hm ok
so challenge 1:
you gotta steal my favorite horse out of my stable
challenge 2:
you gotta steal my bedsheet out from under me AND the ring off my wife’s finger
and the thief is like well technically that is two things but i’ll let it slide
and the count is like okay
so then challenge 3:
steal the priest and the sextant out of the church
and the thief is like well i mean i’m the world’s greatest thief
that is more like kidnapping though
and the count is like SHUT UP YOU SAID I COULD PICK ANYTHING
and the thief is like alright whatever dude
gonna go make you look like an idiot now
peace

so he goes to his secret thief hidey hole
and he disguises himself as an old woman
and then he buys a huge keg of really legit wine
and he mixes it with some sleeping potion he just has lying around
and then he rolls up to the palace that night with the wine on his back
and he walks right up to the soldiers guarding the gate and he’s like hey guys
can i sit by your fire
and they’re like sure
what’s in your keg
and the thief is like oh nothing
just some REALLY LEGIT WINE
I’m selling it
do you want to buy some?
and the soldiers are like fuck yeah let’s get trashed
and they just start huffin’ and puffin’ up alcohol mountain
and meanwhile the thief just works his way further and further into the palace
playing the role of roving booze-merchant with like ALL THE SOLDIERS
until he gets to the stable
where there are three soldiers
one who is holding the bridle
one who is holding the neck or something
and one who is sitting on the fucking saddle
guys i think these soldiers were pretty drunk already
because here they are
it’s like 11PM
they’re hanging out in the stable
sitting on their boss’s favorite horse
probably dragging it around in a circle making train noises
but anyway the thief doesn’t have to try very hard to get them to drink the booze
and then they pass out
but he’s still got a problem
which is how is he going to get the horse away from them?
well he puts a rope in the hand of the guy who was holding the bridle
and he puts a bundle of hay under the arms of the guy who was holding the horse
and then he’s just left with the saddle guy
so what does he do?
okay pay close attention
he finds four ropes
he loops them through metal rings attached to the walls
he ties those ropes to the corners of the saddle
he then uses the ropes to SUSPEND THE SLEEPING SOLDIER IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM
WHILE HE YANKS THE HORSE OUT FROM UNDER THE SADDLE
THAT IS SO LEGIT
TELL ME THAT IS NOT LEGIT
and then he wraps the horse’s hooves in rags so it doesn’t make any noise
but that’s not as hilarious to imagine so whatever

so yeah the next day he shows up with the horse like WHATS UP COUNT
and the count is like ONE
ONE CHALLENGE COMPLETE
AH AH AH
but you’ve still gotta do two more
and if you fuck up on either of those
I swear to god i will fucking kill you
and the thief is like ok fair enough

so that night he’s gotta steal the bedsheets right
but the count is not gonna make this easy for him
he decides to stay awake ALL NIGHT
waiting for the thief to come in through the window
and as soon as he sees him
he’s gonna shoot him
WITH A GUN
HOLY SHIT THIS IS A FAIRYTALE WHERE DID THEY GET GUNS?
and also his wife makes a really tight fist around her ring when she goes to sleep
but don’t worry guys
master thief has it covered
what he does is he goes over to the gallows
and he steals him a dead body
then he puts a ladder up against the count’s window
perches the dead body on his shoulders
and starts climbing the ladder
when he gets high enough that the dead body is in the window
BAM
the count shoots that dead asshole right in the head
totally desecrating his corpse
it’s okay though
that corpse was probably the corpse of a horrible criminal or something
like maybe a THIEF
but so when the dead body falls off his shoulders
the master thief jumps off the ladder and hides in some bushes
and the count comes to look out the window
sees the dead body
and then promptly goes to bury it
for what reason I am not sure
but anyway then the thief runs up the ladder into the Count’s room again
and he goes over to the count’s wife and he’s like hey this is your husband speaking
i just killed that thief guy
lemme use the bedsheet to bury him in
it will prevent a scandal somehow
also i am feeling generous
how about we bury him with your ring
after all I shot him in the head while he was trying to get it
might as well give it to him now that he’s dead
and the count’s wife is like HONEY YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU?
IT IS BECAUSE OF ALL THE GREAT LOGIC YOU USE
and she gives him the sheet and the ring
and then he probably persuades her to have sex with him
and then he leaves
and then the real count comes back and he’s like hey honey
just finished burying the body
and the wife is like nothing is wrong at all i am going to go to sleep

so obviously everybody is pretty confused the next morning
when the ultimate thief shows up with the ring and the bedsheet
and surprisingly few bullet holes in his face
the count is seriously like HOLY SHITBALLS
ARE YOU A WIZARD?
well fuck I guess you get to try the third challenge now
at least for the third challenge you won’t be stealing anything that belongs to me
just some people who live around here
also we’ve now entirely moved away from things that are valuable to steal
into the wonderful world of random pointless crime
feeling pretty good about this
and the thief is like me too, godfather
time to fuck up some priests

so what the thief does at this point
is he shows up at the chapel with two bags
one bag is full of candles
the other bag is full of crabs
yep
big ol’ sack full of crabs
where did he get a bag full of crabs you ask?
duh
he stole them
he’s the ultimate thief
weren’t you listening
probably there is a seaworld nearby the castle that is very confused now
but so he walks into the chapel graveyard
with his sack full of candles and his sack full of crabs
sorry I can’t get over this sack full of crabs thing
so much fun to type
plus
it’s a sack full of fucking crabs
have you ever actually had a sack full of crabs
just a whole bag of crabs to do whatever you want with?
oh man i’d be like a kid in a candy shop
if all the candy was crabs
and it was in a burlap sack
so really i’d be more like a kid with a burlap sack full of crabs
BUT ANYWAY I’M TELLING A STORY HERE
so he takes all the crabs
and he melts the candles to their backs
and then he lights the candles and sets all the crabs free in the graveyard
and then he puts on a robe
and goes into the chapel
and starts ringing the bell and yelling HEY
HEY EVERYBODY
IT’S THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD
THE DEAD ARE CRAWLING AROUND IN THE GRAVEYARD COLLECTING THEIR BONES
THE DEAD HAVE CHOSEN TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES AS CRABS WITH CANDLES ON THEM
DO NOT QUESTION THE DEAD
THE ONLY WAY INTO HEAVEN IS TO CLIMB INTO MY SACK
EVERYBODY CLIMB INTO MY SACK QUICK

so the priest and the sextant live really close to the church obviously
and because of that
they hear this nonsense first
but instead of rolling over and going back to sleep
they both wake up like OH SHIT THE END OF THE WORLD?
BETTER GO CHECK IT OUT
so they show up at the church
and they see all these lights moving around
and they go into the church and they’re like hm
seems like a pretty easy way to get to heaven
let’s crawl into this bag
so they do
and they’re like hm why does this bag smell like a bag full of crabs
and that is basically the extent of that brilliant plan
accomplished with some candles, a robe, and a bag of crabs
seriously this guy is like the macguyver of putting stupid people in bags

so then he proceeds to drag this lumpy bag of morons down the chapel steps
all like WE’RE CLIMBING THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
and then he drags them outside through the crab infested graveyard
and through some puddles
all like THOSE ARE TOTALLY CLOUDS
and then finally he stuffs them in one of those dovecote things
which someone told me are basically just closets full of doves
and he’s like DO YOU HEAR THAT
THAT IS ALL THE ANGELS
I AM GOING TO GO AHEAD AND LOCK YOU IN HERE NOW
AND NOT OPEN THE BAG OR ANYTHING
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION

so the next morning the thief shows up at the count’s place
and he’s like yo
you should check your closet full of doves
there are religious personages in there
and the count is like boy
how did I get to a point in my life where that sentence makes sense
well I guess you’re some kind of wizard
i’m guessing I probably wouldn’t be able to kill you if I tried
so go ahead and leave my territory or I’ll kill you
and the thief is like ok sounds fair
I’m totally the best though right?
and the count is like yes
you are the best
and the thief is like sweet
and then he leaves
and he never sees his family again
but that’s okay because they’re not very proud of him anyway

so the moral of the story is
i don’t care how good of a thief you are
you have nothing to gain by personally introducing yourself to law enforcement
what did you think they were going to give you a prize or something?

THE END.

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8 thoughts on “Robin Hood is for Pussies

  1. For all that this dude has a big ol' sack full of crabs, he's still one dumb asshole. But yeah, I'm totally going to tell this one to my class.

  2. Perhaps it's all an allegory to keep kids away from crabs? Or to encourage young people to develop real careers in a field other than asshattery?

  3. I was trying to figure out why there would be a navigational instrument in a church up until it became clear it was a person. Do you perhaps mean sexton?

    I'm not sure that it's not funnier the way it is, though.

  4. “and his dad is like man for a master thief you sure yell a whole lot”
    Oh no, you DIDN’T! The hell? :D What I probably love the most about your myths is the frequent, random yelling and swearing (doesn’t sound too great now that I’ve typed it in…). I don’t know I just completely enjoy it. And then you did THAT and use it in your story? Logically? Damn, I idolise you now! :D
    Rest of the story was brilliant as well. Seriously, sir, I adore you!

  5. So *actually* the whole ‘distract by alerting the authorities’ thing is a regular and effectively used theme in a lot of thief stories. Sometimes it’s shifted to “use the authorities as cover”, but the smarter (or more boneheaded–one and the same, right?–) thieves tend to go that route. You don’t generally see assholes using sacks of crabs, tho. ^.^

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