Rumplestitskin needs to be a little less of an idiot

Guys I have a confession to make
I am not exhaustively researching these fairytales
i pretty much have this one book and i am using the versions in this book
what i am saying is your alternate versions in the comments are greatly appreciated
also
anyone who is not reading the alternate versions in the comments:
sucks to be you i guess

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS PIECE OF SHIT MILLER

not the miller from the canterbury tales
he is a piece of shit too
but he at least has the redeeming quality of telling rad stories
no
this guy is just 100% grade A prime ground asshole
one day he decides to go talk to the king
and he’s like hm
i’m just a piece of shit miller
how do i make myself seem important?
oh I know
LYING
so he rolls up on the king’s throne room like OY
MY DAUGHTER CAN SPIN STRAW INTO GOLD
PS: I DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS
JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE
and the king is like oh man
i have a fuckton of straw
and also a fuckton of gold but you know what they say
until you can swim in a pool full of gold like scrooge mcduck
you are not a real king
BRING YOUR DAUGHTER IN HERE
and the miller is like uh sure ok
are you gonna pay me to use her or anything?
and the king is like NOPE
and the miller is like shit well this went bad pretty fast

so he brings his daughter to the king
and the king locks his daughter in a room
mercifully fails to rape her
PROBABLY
and then is like OK
THIS ROOM IS FULL OF STRAW
I WANT THAT STRAW TO BE GOLD IN THE MORNING OR I WILL KILL YOU
THAT’S RIGHT
YOU
NOT YOUR SHITTY LYING FATHER
YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR EVERYONE ELSE’S MISTAKES
and the daughter is like well that seems fair
then the king leaves and she starts crying

so around midnight
the door unlocks and some weird sketchy looking dwarf rolls in
probably wearing all kinds of needlessly pointy clothing
hats and shoes and whatever
grinning like a goddamn grin machine
and he’s like hey gurl
i herd u needed sum straw spun in2 gold
i can do this
i am a dwarf and as a dwaf it is very useful to know how to make gold from straw
you know
so i can fuck it
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
but ok so first order of business
what are you gonna give me if i do this
and the girl is like uh
how about my necklace
and the dwarf is like DONE
and then he sits down and has a motherfucking gold party on that spindle
lotta fairytales about spindles i guess
but yeah the king shows up in the morning and the dwarf is gone and he is like
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
alright i am going to make you do this AGAIN

so he locks this chick in a BIGGER room
full of MORE straw
and is like goodnight
make this straw into gold
i’ll most likely kill you in the morning
and then the dwarf shows up like DID SOMEBODY SAY GOLD
and the girl is like here you can have my ring
and the dwarf is like SOLD
and in the morning the king comes back like OH SNAP
BUT I STILL DON’T HAVE ENOUGH GOLD
EVEN THOUGH I AM KING OF AN ENTIRE FUCKING CONTRY
so he puts her in a BIGGER room with MORE straw
and he’s like HERE’S THE DEAL
IF YOU FUCK UP
STILL GONNA KILL YOU
BUT IF YOU WIN
YOU GET TO MARRY ME
DING DING DING DING
and the girl is like oh awesome
i get to marry this homicidal goldophile
what a great incentive
but i guess the better incentive is not getting killed so i kinda gotta do this

so the king leaves and the dwarf shows up like NEED SOME MORE GOLD?
and the girl is like that would be nice yeah
but i am out of things to pay you
and the dwarf is like that’s cool
just promise me your firstborn child
no big deal
and the girl is like sure whatever i don’t need kids anyway
and then the dwarf sits down and makes a fuckton more gold
and the king comes in in the morning like OK FINE
LET’S HAVE SEX

so they do
frequently
and then this chick
who i will from now on refer to as the queen
gets pregnant
barfs out a baby
and then this fucking dwarf shows up like CHILD PLEASE
NOT LIKE THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED
THIS HAPPENS CONSTANTLY IN THESE KINDS OF STORIES
and the queen is like what
i totally forgot about that shit
HOW DO YOU FORGET THINGS LIKE THIS
THEY ARE PRETTY BIG THINGS
but hold on my friends
have you noticed that so far
no one in this fairytale has a name?
they still have the one name alotted per fairytale
and they haven’t used it up
WELL THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE
because the little dwarf is like alright
i’ll give you three days
and if you can guess my name in those three days
you can keep your fucking baby
not even entirely sure what i plan to do with the baby honestly

so the queen makes the most out of these three days
she sends messengers all the fuck up over everywhere
just collecting bigass lists of names
and then the dwarf shows up every night
and the queen is like IS YOUR NAME BRADLEY?
KYLE?
VAMPIRELLA?
HULK?
CHEWY?
BODEGA?
NANCY?
BELLBOTTOMS?
FRANK?
and the dwarf is all nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope
so then day TWO happens
and it goes much the same way
except that the queen tries all the weird as fuck names
all like IS YOUR NAME TYRANNOSAURUS SEX?
PUNCH ROBOT MCGEE?
TITS DELIRIOUS?
SHORTRIB?
SPINY NORMAN?
COWSHIT DOUGLAS?
and the dwarf is like nope(6)
and then day THREE happens
but see day three is when the investigation gets its big break
because super early in the morning some messenger stumbles in
all like hey
so i had pretty much given up on this stupid quest
but then i just happened to be wandering through the mountains
when i came upon some dude dancing around a fire
freestyling
all like CHECK IT OUT
I STEPPED TO THE QUEEN BOUT TO TAKE HER BABY
SHE SAID CAN I KEEP IT AND I SAID MAYBE
YOU CAN TRY TO GUESS MY NAME BUT I KNOW THAT I’LL STILL WIN
CAUSE WHAT MOTHERFUCKER’S GONNA GUESS RUMPLESTILTSKIN
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so uh
yeah
try rumplestiltskin maybe?

so that night the dwarf shows up
and the queen is like IS YOUR NAME CACTUS?
HOBART?
OH WAIT I KNOW
RUMPLESTILTSKIN?
and the dwarf is like AWW FUCK
WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU
TOTALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE THAT FACEBOOK PROFILE HUH
OH BALLS I AM SO ANGRY NOW
so he does the sensible thing
he stomps on foot so hard it goes all the way into the ground
and then he tries to grab his other foot
and use it to pull himself out of the ground
but that is not how this shit works
so instead he TEARS HIMSELF IN HALF
METALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
and then the queen lives happily ever after and no one fucks with her ever again

so the moral of the story
is consider developing ludicrously unrealistic expectations for your children
it will encourage dwarves to appear and grant them wishes

THE END

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19 thoughts on “Rumplestitskin needs to be a little less of an idiot

  1. I always like the ending where the dwarf is the like "The Devil told you, The Devil told you!!!" and stamps so hard he goes right through the floor completely and then the floor just closes up and he disappears.

  2. I once read a version where Rumply (I'm calling him Rumply now, BTW) any ways, Rumply tries to grab the baby anyways but then the ground swallows him up.

    I guess the ground is the best contract lawyer there is? Like, "That constitutes a breach in your agreement with my client, time for num-nums"

  3. this one was originally a moral tale about keeping daughters away from penises. cause a stilt with rumpled skin…is a cock. not sure how it 'evolved' into its present incarnation

  4. To be fair to the king, gold prices have skyrocketed to over $1300 an ounce.
    I guess that makes it the most expensive sex toy, at least for dwarves.
    It's a rough economy for everyone out there.

    Also, amazing as usual.

  5. Oh, we know what he's gonna do with that baby…

    Actually, I think there is a version where instead of dancing around the fire, he's actually building the little shit-machine's CRADLE. So like, maybe he just wants to be a dad but medieval adoption laws are keeping him from realizing that dream? Maybe? Or maybe he like to molest children in the woods after a long day of spinning straw into gold. I dunno.

    I DO know that your Dread Pirate Roberts reference totally made my fucking day. Especially since I picture all these fairy tale princes as Humperdink. Especially the rapey ones.

  6. I always thought he wanted to eat the baby. Because that's what evil magic things do with babies. IDK. The real question is why he'd want a necklace or ring when he can make TONS of gold out of animal feed. Maybe it's more satisfying for him if a real woman has touched a golden ring. Maybe he went to the gold making school instead of the gold working school.

  7. I like the fact that the typo in the title makes him Rumples Tit Skin. Okay, less like, more am amused by, because actually I don't think I'd like it if somebody rumpled my tit skin. That sounds painful.

  8. There's also a similar fairy tale where everything goes as planned! It's three ladies that show up, one with a huge thumb fro twisting thread, one with a huge foot from treading the machine, and one with a huge lip from licking the thread no idea why. So they're all like say that we're your favorite grannies at your wedding. Girls like sure, DOES, and the prince is so freaked out by what could happen to his lovely bride, he forbids her from spinning ever again.

    Oh, I also think the straw to gold for this one came about cause girl was like I'm not gonna spin you cant make me, her dads yelling at her, and the prince is like why so yelling? which is when dad whips out the lie of "my daughter is so industrious turning straw to gold I can't get any sleep because of the sound… Yeah." so that one could be fun, in that no ones a dumbass.

  9. There is also a similar but slightly different fairy tail about Tom Tit Tot. In that one a woman bakes 5 pies but her daughter eats them all. So instead of hitting her like she should have she goes out on the porch and sings that her daughter ate 5 pies. Then the king comes by and she is embarrassed by her daughter so she sings that he daughter spun 5 skeins.

    Apparently that is a lot and the king is impressed. He tells the woman he will marry her daughter and she doesn't have to do shit for 11 months. In the 12th month she has to spin 5 skeins a day all month or he'll kill her. The woman probably just wanted to get rid of her stupid daughter so she agrees.

    After that it's pretty much the same set up, only the little imp guy ends up named Tom Tit Tot instead of Rumplestiltskin and the imp wants the girl, not the girl's daughter.

  10. there is actually a swedish version of this story too… except the dwarf is a giant, and the queen is a priest, and the baby is a church.,.. so i guess its really a bit different.

    but what is sweet about the swedish version is that the giant (called Finn) was turned into stone and that stone figure is still standing in the vault of this church in southern sweden. for real. i've seen it. and i mean, it is not like a statue like that could be man made or anything. swedish fairytales rule

  11. Anonymous dude–I too have seen and actually touched the statue of Finn the Giant. It's more of a pillar. I asked around, no one could seem to recall enough of the story to tell it cohesively–though it was pretty fun making up a new story out of the bits and pieces people could recall. Don't suppose you've got a line on a good, full version of the Finn-story, by chance?

  12. @ tanayle: anonymous dude is actually anonymous girl =P and yes, finn is more of a pillar, but why make a nice story lame? 😉

    anyway, i have only found swedish versions of the tale (http://www.ybridge.se/saganfinn.htm) so far, and i dont feel like translating them, at least not tonight… even though its not very long =)

  13. DAS HAT DIR DER TEUFEL GESAGT!

    I’ve always loved Rump-… Wait, how do you write it? Not Rumpelstilzchen, no? Okay. I can live with that. I guess.
    Anyways, always loved him, always loved the story. Your version, however, was PURE GOLD. Like straw-made-into-gold gold.
    I really adore your myths. And fairytales! Heck, I adore everything written by you!

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